Michael Wolraich's picture

    Conservatives Decry Obama Nobel Peace Prize, Award Alternative "Jesus Prize"

    Conservatives reacted with shock and dismay to the Nobel committee's decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to President Barack Obama. There are reports that some prominent conservatives exploded like Agent Smith at the end of Matrix.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Barack Obama wins Nobel Peace Prize - Conservatives explode like Agent Smith at the end of Matrix

    UNITED STATES - In a stunning announcement today, U.S. President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his diplomatic efforts. Immediately following the announcements, Conservatives throughout the United States lost cohesion and exploded, much like the Agent Smith character did at the end of the Matrix.

    “I was sitting next to Jonah Goldberg and Bill Kristol having breakfast,” said an unnamed source. “We heard the news and I looked over to them and all I saw were pixels floating into space.”

    SarahPalinGrrrrl's picture

    LEVI JOHNSTON IS A PLAYGIRL PERV

    so my ex-boycrush is a expositionist perv. its cool. i'm not like some dumbass kid.

    Deadman's picture

    I'm back ... and the Bear will be joining me shortly

    OK, I know I've been a bad, bad, bad dagblogger for quite some time, but seeing as I'm getting married in less than four weeks, I'm giving myself a pass. (Today's key word: ELOPE!!!)

    I'll be back more regularly by the end of the year, but for now, I just wanted to give you a ballsy prediction:

    Topics: 
    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    To save America, Levi Johnston must reveal his wang

    My friends, never before in my lifetime have I witnessed an America so divided. Republicans fighting Democrats. Libertarians fighting environmentalists. Whigs not fighting anyone but just happy to be mentioned.

    This is why President Barack Obama comes under such criticism. He was elected under the false hope that he’d invite the economy over for a beer and have it leave a bull market behind. But Obama does not have all the answers, nor the ability to turn thing around. In fact, no man has the ability to turn this great nation around. Except one. Levi Johnston.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    I’m heterosexual - and, wow, do I have a lot of rights

    My friends, I have long withheld this information, as I’ve long believed that my sexuality is no one’s business but my own. However, after seeing recent studies and news reports, I believe that now is the perfect time to come forward and admit what so many have long believed:

    I am heterosexual. And let me tell you something, it’s freakin’ fantastic.

    Larry Jankens's picture

    News from the hopefully future: Obama Un-Arrests Arrested Development Through Executive Order

    Dateline: 2 Days from now

    Obama made history yesterday when he signed an executive order forcing Fox Corp. to make a new season of the acclaimed and prematurely canceled television show Arrested Development. “We are at a crossroads,” said President Obama. “We can either go back to pushing the failed agendas of the past, such as canceling a hilarious television show, or we can move forward by doing the things necessary to make TV more watch-able.”

    Topics: 
    Michael Wolraich's picture

    Belated...

    Sometimes I become so enmeshed in the daily dramas of life that I forget to recognize the important milestones of those I hold dear. In such cases of neglect, the sin is not selfishness--I care, I really do--but rather self-absorption. My life is like a gripping suspense film. I...just...can't...turn...away. Not because my life is particularly interesting. It just happens to be mine. In addition, I have an attention absorption problem. I can't even turn away from an episode of Elmo's World. (My nephew and I like to spend quality time with our furry red monster friend.)

    Topics: 
    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Blogger to rewrite Holy Bible because it serves him poorly: "It's a masturbatory issue"

    OMAHA - Noted blogger William K. Wolfrum has announced today his plans to rewrite the Holy Bible so it better conforms to his standards.

    “From what I’ve been told, the Bible’s a hell of a book and has a lot of good lessons,” said Wolfrum, who has admitted to skimming through Revelations to see how it all ends. “But there’s just a lot of stuff in there that doesn’t work for me.”

    Wolfrum said he is only interested in changing one major element in the Bible.

    Larry Jankens's picture

    Obama and Sex vs. Dalai Lama and The Wall Street Journal: The 8 Fold Path to Unenlightenment

    The Dalai Lama is in Washington this week trying to arrange a meeting with President Obama. It's Obama, however, who is acting like the Buddhist master, i.e. he’s doing nothing. The Wall Street Journal, has been quick to decry Obama’s Zen like response to the Lama. Saying that meetings with the Dali Lama are important because they “affirm the religious and democratic freedoms America stands for while setting a precedent for the rest of the world.”

    Topics: 
    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Alan Grayson must apologize now! Democrats must always stay above the fray

    Every morning I wake up, look at myself in the mirror and ask myself this question: Am I a good guy? Now, it’s a purely hypothetical question, as there is no doubt that I’m a good guy who has high standards of politeness and decorum.

    Doctor Cleveland's picture

    "Especially for the Women": The Scarlet Letterman

    Near the end of his televised confession Thursday night, David Letterman admitted that the details of his affairs with staffers might be embarrassing, "especially for the women."

    That line was a lot of things: a self-deprecating joke, an appeal for privacy, an attempt to position himself as the defender of his former employees and girlfriends. Perhaps it was a disingenuous piece of rhetoric; perhaps it was a sincere moment of protectiveness; it could very easily be both. But whatever else it was, it was the truth.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Naked Short Spellers are destroying the quality, profitability of my blog

    William K. Wolfrum made this statement to supporters at 3 p.m.

    “My friends, as many of you may have noticed, there has been a huge drop off in the quality of my blog posts over the past few months. Due to this, there has also been a drop in profitability for this blog, as well.

    Michael Wolraich's picture

    The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 19: No rear entry

    Two angels disguised as men came to the town of Sodom one evening. Abraham's nephew Lot met them at the city gate and invited them to stay with him. That night, all the men of Sodom, young and old alike, gathered at Lot's door and demanded that he release the strangers to them so that they could butt-rape* them.

    Commentary: Sodom was not a popular tourist destination.

    Lot, being a good host, refused this request and offered the mob his two virgin daughters instead.

    DF's picture

    Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) Obliterates "Invertebrate Democrat" Theory

    Yes, Virginia, spines exist.  And, yes, even some Democrats have them.  We know this to be true because Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) went to the House floor this week and said this:

    Topics: 
    Orlando's picture

    Women’s Suffrage Under Attack

    Ok. So suffrage isn’t really under attack. But twice this year I’ve read accounts of writers who think it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to deny women the right to vote. It makes me wonder if the Republican party, having just this year burned major bridges with minorities and gays, is going for the trifecta.

     

    Topics: 
    Doctor Cleveland's picture

    Not About Polanski

    In 1977, a publicly-admired man committed a violent crime against a woman, and the actual events are not in dispute. Between his arrest and his sentencing, the man fled the United States and settled in France. Decades later, the French strenuously resisted extraditing him to the States.

    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Conservatives risk being jailed, tortured

    There is a remote, although gaining, possibility America’s military will intervene as a last resort to resolve the “Conservative Problem.” Don’t dismiss it as unrealistic.

    America isn’t the Third World. If a military coup does occur here it will be civilized. That it has never happened doesn’t mean it wont. Describing what may be afoot is not to advocate it. So, view the following through military eyes:

    Pages

    Latest Comments