Conservatives Decry Obama Nobel Peace Prize, Award Alternative "Jesus Prize"

Conservatives reacted with shock and dismay to the Nobel committee's decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to President Barack Obama. There are reports that some prominent conservatives exploded like Agent Smith at the end of Matrix. But FOX News commentator Bill O'Reilly reacted with little surprise, telling viewers, "Look, Sweden is a socialist country, so of course they elected one of their own." Rush Limbaugh blamed "reverse discrimination," claiming that, "Qualified white candidates have been passed over once again for a black man who doesn't deserve a peace prize." Limbaugh also complained that liberals were "playing the race card again." Glenn Beck wept aloud on his radio show and cried, "Run for your lives, America, the fascho-communist revolution is at hand!"

Other conservatives, led by billionaire Rupert Murdoch, hastily arranged an alternative set of prizes to combat perceived bias by the Nobel Committee. According to FOX News president Roger Ailes, the new prizes are called "Jesus Prizes" because "everyone looks up to Jesus." The Jesus committee has already selected winners for the 2009 prizes in the following categories:

Literature: Sarah Palin, for her upcoming book, Going Rogue: An American Life. While the book has not been released, the committee expressed confidence that "its literary impact will be enormous."

Economics: Rush Limbaugh, for his groundbreaking theory that Obama had purposefully created economic instability in order to increase unemployment that would make people more anxious about health care and help pass a universal health care plan.

Chemistry: Charles B. Thaxton, author of The Mystery of Life's Origin, for his pioneering work in the field of Intelligent Design

Physiology or Medicine: Rush Limbaugh again, for his courageous resistance Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius' swine flu vaccination drive on the grounds that "it's not her role" to tell him what to do.

Physics: God, for making the universe. God's award will be accepted by His representative, Dr. James Dobson, and the $1.5M award will be donated to Dobson's Focus on the Family organization.

Peace: Joint winners George W. Bush and Dick Cheney, for ridding the world of Saddam Hussein, a "dangerous menace" who the committee said "might one day have developed Weapons of Mass Destruction."

For a serious explanation of the Nobel committee's motivations, read Dr. Cleveland's excellent analysis: Why Obama Won the Nobel.