DULUTH - In a scene of overwhelming carnage, Bobby Jenkins, 9, brutally murdered more than 100,000 people, zombies, and other entities yesterday.

The slaughter began at 3:30 p.m. yesterday, when Sally Jenkins, mother of Bobby, allowed her son to play the video game "Slaughter Everything." After doing some bills, Sally Jenkins stumbled across the murder scene and immediately sent young Bobby to his room.

"It was really unsettling," said Sally Jenkins. "He was just going crazy, slaughtering everybody." [Read more]

NEW YORK — The writing style of satire was blown up in a suicide attack at its home in the upper West side of Manhattan. Snark and Snide Disregard were also injured in the attack and are currently in intensive care.

Satire, which gained prominence via writers like Jonathan Swift and Voltaire, has struggled to find its footing recently in the Internet-driven world, as more and more satire is associated with mindless attacks, sophomoric humor and the oft-imitated “Breaking” news story. Satire reached a low point recently when the magazine “The New Yorker” hired Andy Borowitz, who then proceeded to write the exact same story 175 consecutive times. [Read more]

Over in North Korea, Kim Jong-Un has spent the better part of the month threatening to vaporize South Korea, the United States, and anyone else who wants a little vaporization. Now, generally, when a leader of a nation with nuclear capabilities makes wild, outlandish threats, the rest of the world pays attention, for reasons of vaporization avoidance. [Read more]

Let me just say right off that when it comes to Homeland and border security, I'm all for it.

When it comes to appreciating how essential shipping is to the Great Lakes, I'm right at the head of the line.

When it comes to being in awe of the engineering feat that is the Soo Locks I am so in awe I can't stand it.
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WASHINGTON - President Barack Obama banned the controversial drone program here today, and reaction to the move was swift, as every other country on the planet immediately announced they would do the same, even France, which has a well-earned reputation of being a pain in the ass on these types of matters.

The move to ban drones was met by complete bipartisan support in both the House and Senate, with even staunch defense supporters like warmongering angry white guy Sen. John McCain giving it a thumbs up. [Read more]

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama – in an attempt to ease tensions with Senate Republicans – bought a dozen GOP senators dinner last night, in what all have said was a pleasant evening. The dinner was held at the Jefferson Hotel, with Obama picking up the tab out of his own pocket. [Read more]

So I think I told you I’m working on a book.  I’ve changed the title again, so now I’m calling it “Living to Tell About It”.   (The sub-title may or may not be “How to tell your story when it gets to be That Time,” but don’t hold me to it.) [Read more]

I never thought this could happen to me …

My life was an ordinary one. My wife had left me two years earlier, taking the kids. My job with the cable company was unsatisfying but it paid the bills. I went to the bar three or four times a week. I played poker once a week with some guys I really didn’t even like. I was a nobody.

Then I saw her.

I was at Walmart to pick up something to eat and maybe a puzzle. I had some time on my hands – ok, I always had time on my hands – and I wandered about the store. That’s where she called to me.

She was long and sleek. Her power was undeniable, but her smouldering sensuality was undeniable. [Read more]

TEXAS – Scientists at the University of Texas-El Paso have discovered that the human body will deflect bullets in a “legitimate” shooting.

“We have seen that, when the human body is stressed out and about to be legitimately shot, the bullet will not harm them,” said Dr. Phil Gingrey. “The obvious conclusion is that people who do have a bullet enter their body actually want to be shot.” [Read more]

We women have had a rough few decades. The modern woman has to worry about pleasing their man or finding a man. We have to worry about children. We have to worry about our jobs and vaginas. But it didn’t used to always be this way. Since the great feminist uprising came and washed away our self-respect and dignity, we women lived a far simpler existence. We indeed had it all. [Read more]

My friends, America was born some 450 years ago in 1776 and has the documentation to prove it. Now, America has an expiration date – Dec. 31, 2012.

Yes, Christopher Columbus’ great experiment in democracy is set to sail over a cliff – a “Fiscal” cliff, as it were. According to economics experts such as David Gregory, the fiscal cliff is a combination of tax hikes and budget cuts that will paralyze the economy and bring about such calamities as a return of smallpox, forced incest and insects of above average size, according to economic expert such as Jake Tapper. [Read more]

WASHINGTON — Stung by criticism over using a soup kitchen for a staged photo op that showed him washing dishes that were already clean, Vice-Presidential candidate Paul Ryan has announced he will be making a large donation to the Human Fund. [Read more]

My friends, the 2012 election is about choices. It is the choice between the out-of-control socialism of Barack Obama and the steady professional leadership of Mitt Romney. Also, the Navy SEAL who actually shot Osama bin Laden lives at 112 Ark St. in St. Louis, Mo. [Read more]

As a political blogger, I have long had a reputation as a pragmatic, level-headed fellow who often uses humor in lieu of shrillness. While I am proud of this reputation, it is one that has kept me from achieving the popularity I so rightly deserve. That is why, as of today, I will be changing my positions and attitudes to better take advantage of the current political atmosphere.

You see, with the U.S. election scant weeks away, I have yet to give my readers the passion, anger and outright falsehoods they truly desire. That is why, as of today, I will begin to produce blog posts that readers desire. In the upcoming days, I shall be releasing several new blog posts, including:

MITT ROMNEY WILL END DEMOCRACY IN AMERICA [Read more]

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A new Gallup poll today showing that a large percentage of Mitt Romneys think U.S. citizens are “jerks.”

The poll – which took the opinions of one Mitt Romney over a 10-state area – showed some negative trends for the U.S. public. By wide margins, American citizens were thought to be “stupid,” and “Jerks,” and that they “should not be involved in the governing process.

Politifact gave the "U.S. Citizens are Jerks" belief a "Completely Totally Kind of Not True" rating. The poll has a +/- of three percent. [Read more]

My friends, the 2012 U.S. elections are the most important of our lives. Which is why you should give me money.

Yes, my friends, it is that time again – the time for you to decide how much you love your country by giving money to a U.S. blogger residing in Brazil. As has been proven time and again, my words reverberate around the globe and give President Barack Obama a distinct edge in his race against humanoid life form Mitt Romney. For instance, when I tweeted this:

Remember: The Republican who is now telling you Romney is right will be saying Romney lost because he “isn’t a real conservative” on Nov. 7. [Read more]

Romney for President, Inc., today announced that Bain Capital, LLC, a leading global private investment firm, has completed its purchase of the organization. The total value of the transaction is $53 million.

Romney for President is a leading Boston-based provider of political strategy, public relations, and fundraising services. It was founded in 2011 by Mitt Romney, former Governor of Massachusetts and an original founder of Bain Capital, with the goal of electing Romney President of the United States.

"The completion of the sale is a significant milestone in our campaign's history," said Stuart Stevens, Romney for President's Chief Campaign Strategist. "We enter this new phase of our growth and development with a new name – Mittata Intelligence – and a renewed commitment to excellence, innovation, and federal budget reduction." [Read more]

So yes, it has happened:  I am 75 years old today.  Don't worry, I feel fine.  I'm still the same person, but one now saddled with the realization that I have lived three quarters of a century.  My God. How does a thing like that happen?

I'm planning a big day in which I'll be pondering some burning questions:  How the hell could three quarters of a century have sailed by so fast?  If I had been paying attention, could I have done something to slow it down?  And any chance I'm only half way to the end?
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WASHINGTON – In its last action before recess, GOP representatives passed a bill through the House that would require President Barack Obama to send a personal letter to Al Qaeda leaders, requesting a large terrorist attack on a blue state of the U.S. in late-October. The bill passed across party lines.

“We feel that a large-scale terrorist attack on the U.S. and its citizens is just what America needs right now,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner. “Just one devastating attack would be the end of this President, meaning lower taxes and more jobs would be on the way.” [Read more]

DES MOINES – Appearing together on stage for the first time, Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney and former Vice-Presidential nominee Sarah Palin had harsh words for the administration of President Barack Obama.

“By even mentioning that he did not like an anti-Muslim video, Obama has put all Americans in grave danger,” said Romney, smirking. “And when I say Americans, I’m not including troops overseas, because I’m only talking about important things in this speech.”

Romney added that all speech of all types must be free, lest the United States become a totalitarian dictatorship. [Read more]