The Bishop and the Butterfly: Murder, Politics, and the End of the Jazz Age
    William K. Wolfrum's picture

    Blogger to rewrite Holy Bible because it serves him poorly: "It's a masturbatory issue"

    OMAHA - Noted blogger William K. Wolfrum has announced today his plans to rewrite the Holy Bible so it better conforms to his standards.

    “From what I’ve been told, the Bible’s a hell of a book and has a lot of good lessons,” said Wolfrum, who has admitted to skimming through Revelations to see how it all ends. “But there’s just a lot of stuff in there that doesn’t work for me.”

    Wolfrum said he is only interested in changing one major element in the Bible.

    “I can’t really verify this, but I’ve heard that the Bible says masturbation is a no-no,” said Wolfrum, who was unsure over whether he was speaking of the Old Testament or New Testament, often conflating the two. “But I’m pretty sure Methuselah told Jesus that it’s a no-no, right? I just can’t have that.”

    Wolfrum said his tome will be called “Billy’s Bad-Ass Bible,” and will not be as long as either the Old Testament or New Testament to better take into account chronic masturbators with short attention span.

    “It’ll likely be pamplet-sized. Perhaps more like a newsletter, even,” said Wolfrum, who added that he was just as qualified as anyone to rewrite the Holy Book(s). “It really depends how many pictures I can cram into it.”

    Despite many calls for his death by Christian fundamentalists, Wolfrum said he was resolute in his new project and would do it for sincere reasons, rather than for monetary gain.

    “Hey, I’m trying to do something for all of humanity here,” said Wolfrum. “Because, as I think we’re all well-aware, rewriting the Bible to suit your own purposes is plainly a masturbatory issue.”



    Be sure to keep this part:

    "I will sweep away everything in all your land," says the LORD. "I will sweep away both people and animals alike. Even the birds of the air and the fish in the sea will die. I will reduce the wicked to heaps of rubble, along with the rest of humanity," says the LORD. "I will crush Judah and Jerusalem with my fist and destroy every last trace of their Baal worship. I will put an end to all the idolatrous priests, so that even the memory of them will disappear. For they go up to their roofs and bow to the sun, moon, and stars. They claim to follow the LORD, but then they worship Molech, too. So now I will destroy them! And I will destroy those who used to worship me but now no longer do. They no longer ask for the LORD's guidance or seek my blessings." (Zephaniah 1:2-6 NLT)

    God's vengence is in vogue nowadays.

    So, I visited your links.

    It's getting really hard to tell the difference between the right-wing and a parody of the right-wing. I keep hoping that it'll turn out that Coulter, Limbaugh, Hannity, Beck, etc. were all just participating in a very long version of a shaggy dog story.

    You've run headlong into Poe's Law.

    FOX News' "media critic" Bernard Goldberg: The dictionary is written by some liberal person.

    PS For the edification of our readers, here's the first few paragraphs of the Obama entry in Conservapedia:

    Barack Hussein Obama II aka Barry Soetoro (allegedly born in Honolulu Aug. 4, 1961) is the 44th President of the United States, and previously served as a first-term Democratic Senator from Illinois (2005-2008). Obama and his running mate Senator Joseph Biden won the presidential election after 23 months of campaigning that spent over $700 million, much of it raised from undisclosed or fraudulent donors. Obama spent far more per vote than McCain did: Obama spent $7.39 per vote, while McCain spent only $5.78 per vote.

    As President Obama has pushed for establishing a Palestinian state over the objection of Israel's Prime Minister, inclusion of Turkey in the European Union and holding Guantanamo detainees indefinitely without trial.

    Obama's budget and stimulus bill advanced his socialist idea of "spreading the wealth."  His health care plan would force employers to purchase health care or pay a fine and will force many into a poorly run single payer system. To announce his trip to Berlin in July 2008, Obama used posters which show a marked similarity to posters of Lenin and Che Guevara. During Obama's youth in Hawaii, he developed a strong, almost Father/Son relationship with Frank Marshall Davis, a high level Communist Party functionary while Obama has stated that his favorite professors in school were themselves Marxists.

    Obama has stated, "We cannot continue to rely on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives that we've set. We've got to have a civilian national security force that's just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded."

    Catholic Archbishop Charles Chaput of Denver, where Obama was nominated for president, criticized Obama as the "most committed" abortion-supporting candidate "since the Roe v. Wade abortion decision in 1973." Obama said "the first thing I'd do as President is sign the Freedom of Choice Act." It "would invalidate virtually all state and federal limitations on abortion, and would make partial-birth abortion legal again."

    The Association of American Physicians and Surgeons observed that Obama used techniques of mind control in his campaign, as in this speech: "a light will shine down from somewhere, it will light upon you, you will experience an epiphany, and you will say to yourself, 'I have to vote for Barack.'"

    FYI, one of your posts has made the front page of reddit.  Prepare for an onslaught of traffic.

    Nice work, wolfie.

    Indeed, 2 points for the wolfman

    While you're updating: could there be more about the woman who's about to be stoned for adultery? Because the KJV has almost nothing about what she's wearing.

    By more, I assume you mean more pictures (with less clothing), right?

    After all, it would be par for the course with the right wing.

    Thanks, ya'll. All those hours of endlessly sticking Jesus into all my blog posts is finally paying off! ;)

    Hey, it worked for Paul.

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