KISS THE DOLLAR GOODBYE

So, perhaps you've heard the buzz about a shiny, new compromise compromise in the battle for healthcare reform reform.  First, there was the notion of single-payer.  Of course, this proved to be far too unpalatable for anyone to the right of Dennis Kucinich, so then we were given the notion of the public option.  This would create a Medicare-style system for anyone who wanted to buy in.  It was certainly a compromise, but the merits of the compromise, as well as the general notion, were clear - it's publicly run and anyone can opt in.  Public.  Option.

OKLAHOMA CITY - A new law set to come into effect on Nov. 1, will require all men in Oklahoma to reveal personal details regarding every sperm that they murder.

“Every year in Oklahoma, a googolplex of sperm die lonely deaths inside socks, in showers and other places,” said Oklahoma spokeswoman Sally Kern. “This holocaust of the unborn must end.”

So, have you heard about President Obama winning the Nobel Prize? If you'd suggested this to me yesterday, I wouldn't have believed it, let alone been able to put forth an argument for it, so I won't pretend it made intuitive sense when I woke up this morning.

Okay, so we're not really bombing the moon, as some of the more sensational headlines have indicated.  We're trying to find out more about the water that might be there.  However, this did remind me of one of my favorite sketches from Mr. Show.  Submitted for your approval:

Conservatives reacted with shock and dismay to the Nobel committee's decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to President Barack Obama. There are reports that some prominent conservatives exploded like Agent Smith at the end of Matrix.

UNITED STATES - In a stunning announcement today, U.S. President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for his diplomatic efforts. Immediately following the announcements, Conservatives throughout the United States lost cohesion and exploded, much like the Agent Smith character did at the end of the Matrix.

“I was sitting next to Jonah Goldberg and Bill Kristol having breakfast,” said an unnamed source. “We heard the news and I looked over to them and all I saw were pixels floating into space.”

so my ex-boycrush is a expositionist perv. its cool. i'm not like some dumbass kid.

OK, I know I've been a bad, bad, bad dagblogger for quite some time, but seeing as I'm getting married in less than four weeks, I'm giving myself a pass. (Today's key word: ELOPE!!!)

I'll be back more regularly by the end of the year, but for now, I just wanted to give you a ballsy prediction:

My friends, never before in my lifetime have I witnessed an America so divided. Republicans fighting Democrats. Libertarians fighting environmentalists. Whigs not fighting anyone but just happy to be mentioned.

This is why President Barack Obama comes under such criticism. He was elected under the false hope that he’d invite the economy over for a beer and have it leave a bull market behind. But Obama does not have all the answers, nor the ability to turn thing around. In fact, no man has the ability to turn this great nation around. Except one. Levi Johnston.

My friends, I have long withheld this information, as I’ve long believed that my sexuality is no one’s business but my own. However, after seeing recent studies and news reports, I believe that now is the perfect time to come forward and admit what so many have long believed:

I am heterosexual. And let me tell you something, it’s freakin’ fantastic.

Dateline: 2 Days from now

Obama made history yesterday when he signed an executive order forcing Fox Corp. to make a new season of the acclaimed and prematurely canceled television show Arrested Development. “We are at a crossroads,” said President Obama. “We can either go back to pushing the failed agendas of the past, such as canceling a hilarious television show, or we can move forward by doing the things necessary to make TV more watch-able.”

Sometimes I become so enmeshed in the daily dramas of life that I forget to recognize the important milestones of those I hold dear. In such cases of neglect, the sin is not selfishness--I care, I really do--but rather self-absorption. My life is like a gripping suspense film. I...just...can't...turn...away. Not because my life is particularly interesting. It just happens to be mine. In addition, I have an attention absorption problem. I can't even turn away from an episode of Elmo's World. (My nephew and I like to spend quality time with our furry red monster friend.)

Continuing with my theme of bad journalism, I have a video that was given to me last week that will allow people to see how Rolling Stone reporter Matt Taibbi is a naked short selling dupe.

OMAHA - Noted blogger William K. Wolfrum has announced today his plans to rewrite the Holy Bible so it better conforms to his standards.

“From what I’ve been told, the Bible’s a hell of a book and has a lot of good lessons,” said Wolfrum, who has admitted to skimming through Revelations to see how it all ends. “But there’s just a lot of stuff in there that doesn’t work for me.”

Wolfrum said he is only interested in changing one major element in the Bible.

The Dalai Lama is in Washington this week trying to arrange a meeting with President Obama. It's Obama, however, who is acting like the Buddhist master, i.e. he’s doing nothing. The Wall Street Journal, has been quick to decry Obama’s Zen like response to the Lama. Saying that meetings with the Dali Lama are important because they “affirm the religious and democratic freedoms America stands for while setting a precedent for the rest of the world.”

Every morning I wake up, look at myself in the mirror and ask myself this question: Am I a good guy? Now, it’s a purely hypothetical question, as there is no doubt that I’m a good guy who has high standards of politeness and decorum.

Near the end of his televised confession Thursday night, David Letterman admitted that the details of his affairs with staffers might be embarrassing, "especially for the women."

That line was a lot of things: a self-deprecating joke, an appeal for privacy, an attempt to position himself as the defender of his former employees and girlfriends. Perhaps it was a disingenuous piece of rhetoric; perhaps it was a sincere moment of protectiveness; it could very easily be both. But whatever else it was, it was the truth.

“My friends, as many of you may have noticed, there has been a huge drop off in the quality of my blog posts over the past few months. Due to this, there has also been a drop in profitability for this blog, as well.