Former vice-president Dick Cheney was hospitalized again Monday for chest pains. Doctors quickly ruled out the possibility of a heart condition, as Cheney was born without one.

"We think it may have been a twinge of guilt stemming from a fluke, temporary remission of his HDD (Humanity Deficiency Disorder)," said one physician on condition of anonymity. "Or it could have been one of the plutonium batteries in his mechanical blood pump leaking radiation into his chest cavity. Either way, we're not too concerned."

A spokesman for Cheney said he was resting comfortably, and that the former vice-president was probably comfortable, too.

Family members laughed when contacted by phone. Upon hearing the news, daughter Liz Cheney whistled like Ellie Mae Clampett, then uttered  a single sentence that rhymes closely with "Huck Finn."

Only one Senate staffer broke the eerie silence on Capitol Hill, pleading for anonymity for the sake of his family's safety. "Thank God," he said. "One of these days, I think he'll really die, but I wonder.... He's like that guy Jason in 'Halloween.' Please, for the love of Christ, please don't publish my name. He'll waterboard my wife and kids. And my dog."

The Catholic Archdiocese of Washington put its priests on high alert, ready to exorcise the nation's capital at a moment's notice in the event that Cheney gave up the ghost.