William K. Wolfrum's picture

    A Straight White Man’s Burden

    By William K. Wolfrum on Wed, 02/08/2012 - 8:06am | Politics, Humor & Satire, Social Justice

    Being a Straight White Male is great. It really is. I mean, the number of perks I get solely for being a Straight White Guy is just ridiculous. Did you know we Straight White Men get free ice cream on Tuesdays? Our choice of flavors. It’s fabulous.

    But life as a White Male is not all good jobs, unlimited rights and privileges and free ice cream on Tuesdays. It is mostly, mind you, but it’s not everything.

    You see, as a Straight White American Male, it is my job to tell women and minorities what rules they must live by. It is a huge responsibility that I more or less take seriously.

    Imagine the time I have to spend deciding whether or not women should be allowed to have abortions or use birth control? I spend literally minutes each month debating this issue with other Straight White Men. But we make these decisions because we are Straight White Men and we know better.

    Then I have to decide how poor minorities can be before they revolt. This is not an easy task, either. Luckily, we live in the richest nation on Earth. Thus, minorities can obviously be much poorer still. I mean, many of them live like kings while still having walls on their house.

    And don’t think it’s a cakewalk keeping the LGBT community as second-class citizens. They are really insistent on having the same rights as someone like me, a Straight White Male. But when you are ensconced in privilege as I am, you want to stay a step ahead of the other guys. This is why my fellow Straight White Males fight to keep women, minorities, gays, lesbians and any and all non-Straight non-White non-Males from living with freedom and dignity. Don’t hate the player here, hate the game. The game in which I get to make up the rules as I go along.

    Yes, my friends, being a Straight White Male in the United States is not as easy as it seems. Sure, it’s very, very easy and no one is coming to take my rights away or anything, but there are responsibilities.

    So today, when you see a Straight White Male walk by, think about patting him on the back. Don’t actually do it, of course, as touching us isn’t allowed. I mean, know your place for God’s sake.

    –WKW

    Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

    Topics: 
    Politics
    Humor & Satire
    Social Justice

    Comments

    Yes, we straight white males must stick together.

    ... that's a figure of speech, of course.


    by Donal on Wed, 02/08/2012 - 9:54am

    Ah, you do not happen to be one of those Gay Caballeros are ya?


    by Richard Day on Wed, 02/08/2012 - 11:43pm

    I have to tell you, I have been very concerned for the much oppressed group known as White Guys. I recently read the book "White Like Me" Wow did I learn a good deal, I saw the inside of boardrooms across the country, I simply had no idea of the "oppression" one experiences as a "white man". Like this: If you aren't at the country club you have to stand in line to get your coffee? WTH, don't they know you get a priority! Geez.

    Heh.


    by tmccarthy0 on Wed, 02/08/2012 - 11:29am

    Yes, how often have I and I'm sure others (women and other 'minorities') have decried the victimization of the white, single male within our  society.  (Add in blue-eyed, protestant and financially secure you get mega extra sympathy points.)

    Truly, perhaps a non-profit could be implemented to help provide even more resources for this maligned group to access? I'll start lookin' into that for ya!  

     


    by Aunt Sam on Wed, 02/08/2012 - 1:58pm

     

     

    "There is no heavier burden than a great potential." - Linus Van Pelt, white guy.

     


    by EmmaZahn on Wed, 02/08/2012 - 6:41pm


    by cmaukonen on Wed, 02/08/2012 - 10:44pm

    I remember that!

    It is maybe the best parody of a (then) standard movie trope ever -- and then required social studies' reading book, Black Like Me. 

    Good nostalgia.  Thanks.


    by EmmaZahn on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 4:11pm

    Dear Wolfrum,

    I am very glad that you blogged this blog that you are straight. I read your previous post about disallowing women to have sex. You seemed to like the idea that they would have sex with each other in films and you stated that men would still be free to have sex. From this contexutalizing, I deffered that you were a gay man. Now, I am glad that you have set the record straight and you must must have meant that women could not have sex except with their husbands ( I mean one husband since I am not Mormon). Best wishes, W

     


    by The Decider on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 3:50pm

    contexutalizing

    You learned a new word!  I bet you got it from that wife of yours. I must say it was admirable how you were always attempting the hard work of improving your vocabulary. wink


    by artappraiser on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 4:24pm


    by Richard Day on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 4:33pm

    Pretty impressive; whoever mixed that tape makes Will Ferrell playing George Bush look to be a very poor imitation of the much much funnier real thing! Almost makes me understand why someone would want to have a beer with that guy.


    by artappraiser on Thu, 02/09/2012 - 4:55pm

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