The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 4: Boys will be boys

Having gained the knowledge of good and evil, Adam and Eve set about going forth and multiplying, which is what God said that he wanted them to do in the first place. They had two sons, Cain and Abel. Cain became a farmer and Abel a shepherd. Cain offered some of his crops to God, but Abel offered his fattest sheep, so God loved Abel and ignored Cain.

Commentary: Couldn’t God make his own sheep? That’s like giving eggs to a chicken.

Well, Cain got pissed off and depressed because Abel got all the divine love, so he killed him. Then God came around and asked Cain what had happened to Abel, and Cain pretended that he had no idea, but of course God knew exactly what had happened.

Commentary: It is inadvisable to lie to omniscient beings.

God sentenced Cain to restlessness and isolation, which seems a rather light punishment after what happened to the poor snake. But Cain acted like it was the worst thing ever and whined that people would kill him when they found out what he’d done.

Commentary: People? What people?

So God made a mark on Cain’s forehead so that “people” would know who he was and promised that anyone who killed him would be punished seven times as much.

Commentary: Let me get this straight. Cain kills his own brother without provocation and gets off with restlessness and isolation, but anyone who kills Cain is to be put to death (seven times)? It just goes to show that even at the beginning of time, it was all about family connections. By the way, what did Adam and Eve think about all this?

So Cain went off to the land of Nod and got married.

Commentary: To a sister?

Cain and his wife did the whole multiplying thing and begat a son, Enoch. Then Cain built a city for, you know, all the people and named it after his son.

Enoch (the son, not the city) begat Irad who begat Mechuyael who begat Methushael who begat Lemek. Lemek had two wives, and he bragged to them,

“I have killed a man and a child. If Cain is to be revenged seven times, then for Lemekh it shall be seventy-seven times.”

Commentary: Lemekh was obviously a psychopath.¹

And by the way, Adam and Eve had another son, named Seth.

¹Psychopath: A loose translation of a Low Aramaic idiom meaning, “zany murderer who refers to himself in the third person and can’t do math.”

The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.

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