William K. Wolfrum's picture

    David Barton is a liar - this is what Thomas Jefferson really wanted

    Noted liar-for-Christ David Barton has been making the media rounds lately, pushing another book of blatant history revisionism. Having been a blogger for quite some time, I consider myself a leading expert on just about everything, especially Thomas Jefferson and the Founding Fathers. Thus I feel it is vital for me to set the record straight and show to the world that Barton is a daft poppy-head (apologies for the technical historical lingo).

    I haven’t actually read Barton’s book, “The Jefferson Lies,” mind you. But I come from the Naomi Schaefer Riley school of journalism that states implicitly that knowing a subject comes from the gut, not from actual studying or logical thinking.

    This is why I feel the need to point out these unassailable, completely true facts about Jefferson and the Founding Fathers.

    Jefferson, you see, was a virulent Atheist on par with Richard Dawkins. This becomes obvious when you read through Jefferson’s trio of unpublished Atheist books: “God? Please,” “God? Really, We’re Still Blathering About That?” and “God? If He Really Existed, Wow is He a Jerk.”

    In these books – which are not available to anyone – Jefferson rips God a new one, and prognosticates on the same level as Nostradamus.

    “If there really were a God, would he allow me to actually own people? The whole concept makes no sense. Sure, I own people and occasionally sleep with some of them. But I do so simply because I CAN,” Jefferson wrote.

    Or then there’s his view on God in politics.

    “Only the weak-willed and incredibly stupid want a theocracy or even think religion has any place whatsoever in an actual government. What a bunh of freakin’ morons,” wrote Jefferson.

    Or his predictions on today’s political scene.

    “Mitt Romney? Are you kidding me? When this happens, the entire Republican Party needs to resign in shame and go live on an island somewhere where they won’t bother anyone. Mitt Romney for President? LOL.”

    Aside from being the first human to ever use the acronym “LOL,” Jefferson had other things to say about today’s politics. Such as this, which he told me in a dream:

    “One day, Barack Obama will be President of the United States of America. And Conservatives need to stop filibustering everything he tries to do. It’s un-American.”

    Jefferson added:

    “I mean, he’d be just three-fifths of an American today, and most likely a slave owned by one of us founders. But I’m pretty sure these things will change, eventually.”

    Jefferson was not the only Atheist founding father, of course. George Washington once said this to a fellow walking by him:

    “You can enjoy your so-called God. I’ll be drinking your milkshake while you do.”


    “You guys know that Ron Paul voted for the war on Afghanistan, right? Because of ‘political pressure.’ What a freakin’ phony.”

    Or then there was Thomas Paine, who had this to say:

    “A media that refuses to call a liar a liar is not a media. It is a bunch of high-paid entertainment reporters. Joan Rivers should be covering politics if that’s what you want. At least she has some balls.”


    “David Barton is so full of crap that you should be legally allowed to plant roses inside of him. What a lying scumbag.”

    These examples prove – beyond a shadow of a doubt – that everything you have ever learned about Jefferson and the Founding Fathers is a lie. They all thought God was a silly concept, that religion belongs nowhere near a government, and that today’s Republicans are douchebags who will invoke God to win arguments.

    I understand that I will have my critics. But everything I wrote here is the absolute truth. Go ahead and try and disprove any of it. It will just show that you hate the Founding Fathers and the United States of America. As Jefferson said while conducting a magic show at a child’s party:

    “God is an illusion. Biblical historians doubly so.”


    Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles


    Correction: Although it is commonly said that Thomas Jefferson was the first person to ever use the term "LOL," this is untrue, and a slur on the man.

    The actual Jefferson quote was far more eloquent, "Mitt Romney for President? LMFAO."

    ADAMS was the actual inventor of the term LOL, which came as he retweeted Jefferson's comment. Which just goes to show, for those paying attention, that Jefferson >>> Adams.

    Brilliant reporting, as usual, Mr. Wolfrum.  Although I admit I was shocked to learn that the former host of Family Feud, Richard Dawkins, was an atheist.

    And that Thomas Paine sure had a lot of common sense, didn't he?  I hear he knew Joan Rivers in the biblical sense, which is the one sense even an atheist embraces from the bible.

    Did you know that Thomas Jefferson once made an elephant disappear using only a dumbwaiter ... he was named Walter ... but never mind that.



    Give me a plinkin break. [New non-cussword] Thomas Jefferson was not named Walter, at least not in my Texas schoolbook, which was fur shure the bestest available anywhere in Texas. [Cat fur is for kitten britches but fur shure is the straight skinny.] Those books are gettin' way too politically correct, though. The latest addition of that text calls him a "Floundering Father", says he had a 'slow connection,' but I don't think his skills as a fisherman are relevant to a true understanding of his place in history like we got in the good old days when boats were made of wood and men were made of steal. 

     Educashun, bleh, just raises too many questions. KISS is my favorite acronym. Says it all for me.  'Keep it stupid, stupid.'

     The South will rise again. And Again. And...



    Plinkety-plink!  Not Jefferson!  Walter was the dumb waiter!  (sigh) Man, you miss one day of writing class and no-one understands your comedic syntax.  Frankly, I blame it all on Ronald Reagan who cut syntaxes on the upper 1%.  Instead of detailed speeches on reforming the tax code, Reagan just said, "Taxes bad," and soon the entire upper crust was indulging in so many syns you couldn't count them on two hands and one foot ... if that was your idea of a good time.  


    I must have run across this idiot on cable but I really am unfamiliar with him and hope that condition remains as is.

    Wiki tells me:

    Barton holds no formal credentials in history or law, and scholars dispute the accuracy and integrity of his assertions about history, accusing him of practicing misleading historical revisionism, "pseudoscholarship" and "outright falsehoods"

    I suppose his point is that school just fucks up your mind anyway.

    He and beckerhead and rusho shunned opportunities at educational institutions.

    I suppose the lack of formal education helped them vent their prejudices without remorse; made life more black and white (so to speak) and evidently made them a lot of money.

    Unfortunately, he was also peddling this on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart fairly recently (I think within the last week), and Stewart let him get away with most of it. I really like Stewart, but I think when dealing with issues of religion, he's way out of his element.

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