SOUTH CAROLINA - Desperately trying to distance itself from the outlandish behavior of its Republican politicians, the State Tourism Board has announced an aggressive new campaign to encourage tourism.

“It was time to take the focus off the Republicans and on the state,” said Tourism Board Chairman Tim Tapper. “And we’re willing to go to any lengths to do that.”

Today, you can’t walk down the street without being ideologically undressed by an American Patriot. The streets and roads are chock-full of good, hard-working Americans who want their country back from those that stole it from them.

But just being an American Patriot isn’t enough these days. Today, we need LEADERS. We need GREAT American Patriots that not only understand the incalculable importance of writing in all caps, but also understand that this is a time of action.

You may have heard about Glenn Beck's recent paranoid accusations, but if you are a drive-by voyeur of right-wing hysterics, you might not appreciate the method behind the madness. Relying on out-of-context quotes, tenuous associations, and giant leaps of speculation, Beck has meticulously pieced together the most elaborate, nefarious government conspiracy in the history of cable news. His argument consists of four primary elements:

Part 1: The Czars