The 3 conspiracies of week 14

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Conspiracy Zone!


Conspiracy #1
Detroit is preparing to make the Lions the crown jewel of the city

Sounds silly to you doesn't it? But let me ask you who has garnered more attention this season: the Pats or the Lions? Do you have any idea what the Seahawks record is? How many fans have you seen sulking in Cleveland? Mark my words: Detroit will use this '08 team as a stepping stone from which to launch motor town USA back to its Flapper and Prohibition days.

You see, when that final whistle sounds in week 17 in Lambeau Field the Lions will have become unequivocally the worst team in NFL history, and my friends, that's something you can trademark. Within seconds after that loss, you will be bombarbed by a massive ad campaign from GM: "Sure our cars get awful mileage, break down pretty frequently and are kind of clunky ... but they're so easy to drive a Detroit Lion can do it." And we'll all chew it up and laugh, and go out and buy their cars hand over first even though we know nothing about the product. And then Ford will release a commercial where a Detroit Lion is getting a psychiatric evaluation from Adrian, Chrysler will have all 53 Detroit Lions losing to Martina Navratilova in tennis and heck NBC will even pick up the "Detroit Lions" as a comedic mini-series. You will be plunged in a sea of "merchandising, merchandising, where the real money from the NFL is made: Detroit Lions the T-Shirt, Detroit Lions the coloring book, Detroit Lions the lunch box, Detroit Lions the breakfast cereal, Detroit Lions the flame throwa...the kids will love this one."
Michigan will throw the Lions a stock-ticker tape parade, and parents will bring their children and point to the Edsel and Pinto driven by Daunte Culpepper and Rod Marinelli "You see son, you should always go out there and try your hardest because there's nothing to fear. Because over there in the dumpster truck are the gentlemen who have already set the floor for you." Money will pour in, paper bag sales will boom, the depressed will flock to the city simply for a B-12 ego boost injection. The zero-16 trademark will break the bank, and every year when another team threatens to challenge the ultimate feat of ineptitude the city will see another spike in revenue as the media flocks to Detroit to hold their breath and see if Daunte Culpepper and Rod Marinelli will be able to pop the "Natty Light" this year.



Conspiracy #2
Favre wants Pennington

Quit freaking out Jet fans, you knew what you were getting when Favre came here: a player who does everything in style. Post-season un-retirements, 400 yard Monday nighters, Wrangler Jeans. Favre doesn't mess around. Yet, with Chad Pennington and the AFC East Dolphins staging one of the great reversal of fortunes in sports history, some Jet fans have begun to get buyer's remorse. Imagine that: Arguably the greatest QB of all time, a Jets NFL Madden Cover (the first since Mark Gastineau in '84) and the New York backpage headlines over the Super Bowl champs, and still some fans are pining for the only guy who can enjoy a game of 'long toss' with Johnny Damon.

That's right, despite being armed with the 'Great One' and a game ahead in the AFC East, fidgety Jets fans were already eyeing Week 17 against the 'Fins as possible 'Chadazuma's Revenge,.' Naturally this  greatly irked the Favra. All week long, thoughts of gorgonzola, muskets, and taxidermied Pennington heads swirled through his mind. "Don't these fools know I am no mere mortal? In my career I've thrown for more TDs, handled the equivalent impact of a bullet train, and have never even endured even as much as a paper cut. Yet these fans favor the guy whose spent half his career in a sling!?! How can I prove myself to these capitulatory fools? Goddamn it, I've been the biggest thing in this league ever since Cameron Diaz was young and popular."

So before the 49ers game, after all week long getting questioned for falling to the division leading Broncos, Favre had had enough. Unpublished reports even have his secretary marking Week 17 on his google calender as "High Noon." 10 minutes before gametime Favre headed to the bathroom for his "shaving cream, razorless blade" routine. Before he could even apply a dab of Barbasol he began to stare into the mirror. He brushed his hand through his stubble like a grizzled Brando, curled his lips, then put his unbreakable fists through the porcelain sink, while letting out a blood-curdling scream "I WANT PENNINGTON!" Like he was Chris Farley doing his Norman Schwarzkopf impersonation. Favre went back out to the lockerroom huddled with his teammates and exclaimed "I want to chop his nuts off when it counts so the whole world will see. So let's go out there and lose this thing!...1, 2, 3, Wrangler!"




Conspiracy #3
Tatum Bell is injuring all the Broncos Running Backs

I know what many of you are saying: "Yea, yea, Mortimus we know about this one already." Well to all the casual informed fans I apologize, but I feel the need to expose this one to the masses.

Take a gander at the Broncos injury chart: Peyton Hillis, Ryan Torain, Anthony Alridge, Andre Hall, Michael Pittman, all running backs, all out for the season. Of course, there's also Selvin Young who supposedly should have been healthy to play a few weeks ago but has yet to suit up...hmmm.

For the less-informed Tatum Bell was a budding star in the Broncos system until he was traded to the Lions for Dre' Bly a couple of years ago. Seeing his football career flash before his eyes, Tatum instead of bouncing back, gave up hope. Prior to this season, stuck in a crowded backfield in  zero-16 town Tatum attempted one last cash grab in the form of $4,000 of luggage and money from fellow running back Rudi Johnson (true story).

Well, with no job and plenty of time Tatum spent his next few weeks sulking on his couch feeling sorry for himself. He gorged himself on Fritos and Candy Corn all while watching Winter Olympic highlights. But it wasn't until he got to the Lillehammer Figure Skating DVD that Tatum was able to drop the delicious cornlike edibles.

During the day he spent 15 minutes on the Bow-Flex, at night he'd do Tai-Bo. He sculpted himself back into a machine, eating nothing but protein powder and cow feet. Now an unstoppable force of flesh, Tatum realized the best path to prosperity was engulfing the Yellow Brick Road and his competitors in lighter fluid. One by one they began to fall like a Vietnam flick. On overnight cross-country trips he'd quietly go Jeff Gilooly on a knee or two, during game time he'd swap the running backs pain killers with sugary watermelon "Nerds." Finally, with no one left but Tatum the job has been all his.

Before you freak out and alert the authorities, understand that coach Mike Shanahan knows. He's not a fool (the 5 teeth on Tatum's gold chain is a dead giveaway). Yet he's trapped. He's in the middle of a playoff hunt, without any other running backs on his roster, and all things considered sort of appreciates Tatum's cut throat attitude and Tai-Bo shredded physique. Though come next season Vegas says 3:1 he ends up doing "Celebrity Boxing"