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JETtison

by Mortimus 11/24/2008 - 1:03 am   |


I would not, could not, in a pinch
I could not, would not, without a flinch
I will not bet on them with a mouse
I will not bet on them with my house
I will not bet on them here or there
I will not bet on them anywhere
I do not believe in Gang Green Madame
I do not like them, cause Gang Green I am

That being said: The Jets are the team to beat in the AFC

Yea, I know that's faux pas #1 in the town of Gang Greenwich, but I'm saying it anyway. I can hear the 3 of you Jet fans on this thread gnawing on the last shred of white on your cuticle screaming "you're jinxing it!!!." Hulksta Please. These last two weeks I've witnessed my team stick it to Chowdaville in Chowdatown in OT after the typical last second dagger, then play Jeeves to the '72 Dolphins champagne toast. I'm selling high. If I can't feel good about my team right now, then when can I? When they win the Super Bowl? Hahaha, c'mon.

Year after year I hold on to this .com stock. I watch it soar to ridiculous heights on unfounded hype (Blair Thomas is Barry Sanders son!), then ride it all the way down into nothing. The result: an enraged green mutant locked up in a cell, with nothing to show for it! Well, I'm selling a few shares now. This team is good...damn good. Allow me to count the ways: They've finally got their beefy man-beast nose tackle to anchor the 3-4, the O-line is disciplined and powerful, Revis is a shutdown corner, Jones is a tough no-nonsense back, Leon Washington is a game-changing scat back, Dustin Keller is a dynamic security blanket, Kerry Rhodes is on the verge of rock stardom, Cotchery and Coles are clutch good hands receivers, oh and then there's that Favre fellow. Forget the fact that he holds every single passing record he carries one little other distinction: He has a taste for winning.

Like or not, Jets nation is composed of more weak-kneed, concessionary, pessimists than any other team East of Chicago. We always expect defeat. 1/2 the fun of being a Jet fan is figuring out every game how the crime is going to go down: Pick-7? Missed Field Goal? Fumble on the goal line? 4 broken ankles in a tackle pile-up? Well maybe it's the 460tds or the 12 miles of passing yards, or maybe it's just the Mississippi twang that says "homey don't play that."

I'll admit this doesn't feel right. To believe that I'm actually supporting a legitimate franchise for some reason makes me feel a little dirty all over. It's like I've just woken up after a crazy night of heavy boozing and I don't recognize the team I've been sleeping with the last 25 years.

"So...um...this is awkward."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm sorry allow me to introduce myself...my name is Mortimus"

"Yea, I know. I learned that when you embroidered your name on my PJ's for the first time 25 years ago"

"No you're mistaken. Those weren't your PJ's. Those were PJ's of someone who always promised me heartache and pain."

"I haven't been loyal to you?"

"No, no, quite the contrary. My whole life I've always been able to count on you to stab me in the back."

"I'm confused"

"Well, it's just that I've gotten so used to being disappointed. And you....you...well...you're beautiful. You're everything I've ever wanted.

"So what's the problem here?"

"Well, I always knew what I was getting before. But lately everyone respects you and wants to be you. It just makes me confused about what you're going to do next."

"What are you saying?"

"Frankly, I just don't think we're compatible anymore."


True, this is something that probably should be written after the Super Bowl or at least the AFC Championship, but I'm a weak-kneed Jet fan without any white left on my cuticle...just cashing in some shares.

J-E-T-S, Jets?  Nah.

The Jets, karmically, in a nutshell, are the 1986 Jets.  I think they opened 9-1, finished 10-6, backed into the wildcard, losing in an opening round OT game.  Am I wrong?  (Hear that last word as roo-wawng, the way only a Noo Yawker can say it.)

They are M-E-T-S with helmets.

So when you say they're the team to beat, I read that like a nice steak to eat.  Meaning, the steak will be eaten, the team will be beaten.  There, like Mets and Jets, that rhymed, I think.

by Articleman 11/24/2008 - 12:37 pm
I'm not sure what Ken O'Brien and Brett Favre have in common besides both screwing Dan Marino over. P.S. I would be thrilled to be the Mets with helmets.
by Mortimus 11/24/2008 - 4:10 pm (re: Articleman)

Can you really call the Giants / Jets a Subway Superbowl?  The game would take place in Tampa.  Plus, they play in the same stadium in NJ, one that is not serviced by any subway. And the J-E-T-S are second-fiddle, evidenced by the fact they play in GIANTS Stadium :).

I used to work with an obsessive Jets Fan.  He went to every game even during the lockout season.  Every season in addition to his season tickets, he would buy a package to follow the Jets to the Super Bowl if they made it.  I am hoping he makes it to Tampa this year to watch his beloved Jets and won't be too crushed when my Giants stomp them out :) 

by dijamo 11/24/2008 - 1:06 pm
I would never call it a Subway Superbowl- if anything "NJ Transit Bowl" but that's just as stupid as you've already pointed out with the whole "playing in Tampa" dealie. Last I checked the Yanks and Mets didn't play the 2000 World Series in Acapulco. It's true, Jet fans suffer from an inferiority complex - they know they are second fiddle as evidenced by the huge Giants Stadium letters and the blue and red seats they watch the game in but that's what also makes us better fans - we're always on edge looking for a fight to prove ourselves. It is sort of sad but it has provided a much more intense fandom then any other of the vanilla teams I've rooted for. And yes we are all entirely obsessive. If you ever come across a lukewarm Jet fan I'd be willing to bet he couldn't name 5 players and probably lists 'green' as his favorite color. They don't exist, because when a team inflicts this much pain on you year after year you either sever the relationship or come back every time like a lapping dog.
by Mortimus 11/24/2008 - 4:01 pm (re: dijamo)

Well Mortimus, you've finally done it. I have refused to believe in this team from the beginning. Favre signing? "Rubbish," I said. "The man's painkiller addiction will come back to bite him," I said. Faneca and Woody? "Great. More elder statesmen who remember what it was like when Christian Okeye and Barry Word shared the Chiefs backfield." Jenkins? All I could think of was him singing fat guy in a little coat. But here they are, on a run, and you have the gall to say they're the best team in the AFC? Have you gone mad? Don't you remember the rule of inverse hope? I'd like to thank you in advance for purposely ruining what little chance the team of druken Joe had of fulfilling the same dream that led him down the path to ruination.  I, on the other hand, will be continuing to hate hate hate all the way until the final seconds of a glorious final game. Only then will I allow myself to think for even one brief moment that my team won't stab me in the heart with a screwdriver covered in streptococci, leading to my unfortunate death by infective endocarditis. Look it up. You should be ashamed of yourself, good sir.

by Anonymous (not verified) 11/25/2008 - 11:54 pm (re: Mortimus)

Anonymous,

You're doubt is sweet music to my soul or a brisk beer shot in the latter half of the 3rd quarter. It's like I'm back in section 353 Row 30 (2 feet from the cliff) and we're up 35-3 but you're vicious anger at a run play on 3rd and 11 makes me realize that the outcome is still in question. You sir are a true fan. Though I think you misinterpreted what I was writing - I understand our inevitable doom is right around the end zone pylon but as of this very moment we are the best. And before the Jets take a leap off of row 31 in dramatic fashion I'm trying to enjoy the moment rather than play the role of skeptical "Major League II" fan.

by Mortimus 11/26/2008 - 12:08 am (re: Anonymous)

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