The 3 Conspiracies of Week 12

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Conspiracy Zone!

Conspiracy #1
The Lions losing is dictated from above
Three days from now we will all sit around the grand oak flat top with big bird in the middle and pigskin in the upper left. We will bow our heads and give thanks. Grammy appreciates the health, Poppa still cherishes the 39 pesos to his name, Little Sister loves Edible Turducken Barbie, and the rest of us football fans will thank God for not creating us in his own image as Lions supporters. You see, that's what makes Thanksgiving all the more special. Looking at Detroit fans donning paper baggies over their head you come to realize that no matter how crappy your football team might be, it could always be worse. It's like watching those Sally Struther's commercials and then deciding to pour out a little of your next cup of 'Joe on the concrete for the little ones in Ghana. Detroit needs our help now. The heads of Escalade, Denali and Explorer are on Capitol Hill at this very moment begging for billions to be delivered in monthly C.A.R.E. packages. So on Sunday with Detroit whooping Tampa 17-0 in the 2nd quarter the call went down to coach Marinelli and the players.
"Coach Marinelli?"
"Speaking"
"This is the head of the UAW here, listen up and listen up good. I swear to you if you blow this for us and go on and win this game I will cut your nuts off with a soldering iron. We're teetering on the edge of getting some government cheese, and if you win this game and Thursday comes and millions of Americans and hundreds of Congressmen are sympathizing with Rams fans I'll make sure you sleep with Matt Millen." 38 Buccaneer points later and Marinelli has the most secure job in Michigan.

Conspiracy #2
The Titans lost on purpose
After spending the last 48 hours doing nothing but processing the Jets cakewalk win I've come to this conclusion. It just makes too much sense. Sure, it was a great win for my Jets and a must win at that, but I see Mr. Wizard of Oz clearly behind the curtain (and his damn awful science project ideas). The conspiracy is simple, at this point in the season the media gets lazy. They need the goods to keep the interest of the other half of the league who has already begun to imagine Michael Crabtree in their fabric. So they latch on to the undefeated, they climb onto him like little trolls onto Michael Jackson in that awful Gulliver's Travels remake music vid. They claw at him, and needle him "will the pressure get to him?" "can he handle all 800 of us maggots on him at the same time?" then they call on the lard asses of the '72 Dolphins and then they hop on, and they claw and needle "I like my Dom with a ham sammich bitch" "don't call me until you're on my block." And if weeks go by and they're still standing they call in the reinforcements of the mainstream media and then all 3,000 of them saddle up. Simultaneously they all inflict paper cuts, scratch marks and indian burns "history about to be made in the NFL" "the greatest team of all time." And if by late January MJ is still on his feet they hit the red button of trademarks, incentives, commercials, and endorsement deals. The weight is enough to put a pressure crater in the Hope Diamond. So with the Titans docket loaded up with the unceremonious slaughter of the Lions on Thursday, and the Browns and Texans up after that, something had to be done before things spiraled out of control. So with nobody looking the Titans brass took Gulliver out behind the woodshed, gave him a kiss on the cheek, then put him down like 'Ol Yeller to shake all the maggots off for an extended playoff run.

Conspiracy #3

Bill Belichick is up to something
Oh quit oohing and aahing at Matt Cassel. You're all making me sick. You're like some distracted magic show crowd trying to figure out how the magician put the fembot's severed body back together without noticing the sawed box she was put in was three sizes too big. You think it's just a fluke that Belichick has transformed the two unlikeliest QB's into the two biggest superstars of the NFL? Like some magical technicolored lightning bolt striking the same sweat crusted Russell Athletic hoodie twice? "Oh gee, who would have thought we could take the 199th pick of the draft and make him a 3-time champ, then find similar success with a QB who hasn't started a game since Prom. Goodness me, however were we able to get so lucky?" My shredded gut tells me 8 weeks under Belichick and Deadman could become a fantasy stud. And my TI-83 brain tells me there exists a lair under Foxboro. And in this lair the thermostat is set on 15 degree centigrade, and there contains nothing except a plush Lay-Z-Boy chair (with Matrix style cranium hookup) and one 70's style movie projector. And for the past few months outside of practice, game and pee-pee time Matt Cassel has been strapped in with his eyelids spread eagle "Clockwork Orange" style absorbing thousands of hours of videotape recorded via secret camera buried in every Under Armour insignia. Sounds too ridiculous? Too out there for you? Well, before you write me off as crazy just know that the 'Big Brother' coat of arms has the words spelled out in Latin "e mustus protectus this villa."