Michael Wolraich's picture

    God Relents: Condoms Cool for Sick Gay Prostitutes

    God announced through his spokesman Pope Benedict XVI that male prostitutes with HIV would be permitted to use condoms in order to prevent the spread of the disease. The ruling applied retroactively, so past condom use under appropriate conditions would be pardoned. In principle, the pardon could elevate unrepentant condom users from Purgatory or even Hell, but divine experts expect the ruling to have little practical significance for condemned souls.

    "I anticipate appeals," predicted Saint Peter, Director of Admissions at the Bureau of Divine Justice, "But honestly, even without the condom thing, you'd still have trouble with the gay prostitution thing. If you repented being a gay prostitute but not the condom use, you might have a case."

    Some critics have suggested that the ruling was deliberately designed to minimize legal consequences. Lucifer, a former associate of God, told reporters, "God has invested heavily in branding Himself as omniscient. If you start admitting, 'Oops, we goofed,' that goes against the brand. So he is basically saying condoms are cool, but you're still going to burn."

    God did not respond directly to the critics, but His office released a press statement reiterating His omniscience: "God is All-Seeing and All-Knowing. Any changes in official policy with respect to prophylactic use by gay prostitutes with HIV were scheduled at the beginning of time in accordance with the Divine Plan. God reserves the right to implement additional policy changes at His discretion without explaining His designs to mortals."

    The ruling has left many of God's representatives on Earth confused. One HIV director for a Catholic charity complained, "Now I've got these guys asking me if 'Ultra-Ribbed Minty-Twister-Treat' is OK with God. How do I know?"

    Some Catholic-affiliated organizations are already attempting to fill in the gap. A Vatican City based company, What Would Jesus Wear?, has released a line condoms with barbed ribs to ensure maximum displeasure during deviant sexual acts. "It's not supposed to be fun," explained founder Peter Pious. "Our condoms give your you-know-what a spiritual workout while doing God's work by not spreading HIV."


    It is not confusing when you use the truly amazing ("believe it or not!") "Humanae Vitae logic."

    You just don't want people keeping those little sperms and eggs from getting together. If the sperm is nowhere near an egg, there's no harm to the possibility of one of them 4-celled humanoids that may or may not attach to a uterine wall. In onanism and homosexuality it's just sperm. It's a sin, but no big deal. You can be sorry you did it, go to confession, get absolved, rinse and repeat.

    If your condom is preventing God's work of getting those sperm and eggs together, though, you are really in some serious toying with the universe and things like that.Surprised

    Does anyone actually listen to this creepy old man, who closed his eyes and mind to the REAL depravity of his fellow priests who are around him on a daily basis?  Does anyone truly think he can say with authority who will go to purgatory, hell, or heaven?


     If his "retroactive" pronouncement doesn't prove that he is a fraud, I don't know what would.

    it's 0'dark-thirty here so I'll take this as a Sermon from the BlogMount for my Sunday morning penance.

    Most Excellent! Had a hard time trying not to laugh out too loud!

    This is funny!  Is this story in any way connected to the Pope's creation of 24 Cardinals today?  I thought only God could create, but here the Pope is crazily creating away, 24 birds at a time no less. 




    Given the Catholic Church's massive scandals involving priests and younger boys, it's really rather bizarre and a tad suspicious that Pope Benedict would single out male prostitutes as a group for which condom use would be appropriate. What made that come first to mind for him, I wonder?

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