Team Me

    This is not political.  It's personal.  Sometimes, the twain shall meet.

    Since moving in with my mother, last September, I've found that I'm not all I'm cracked up to be.  I thought I had my act together, and that it was my mother who was the fragmented soul.

    Alas.

    My mother was diagnosed with depression-based dementia, last summer.  I was diagnosed with "unemployed and broke".  So we decided I should move in with her, up in PA.  We needed each other.

    I think I wrote about this. 

    Anyway, I'm happy to report that my mother's "dementia" which was keeping her from being able to drive a car, form a coherent sentence, and keep her from overseeing her own general wellbeing (as in, remembering to eat dinner), was basically due to the fact that she was suffering the worst of her depression after having suffered the worst of her depression several years back -- right after losing her husband.

    Depression sinks in, not just once but twice.  But since moving in with Mom, I've seen a sea-change in her, and her psychiatrist and neurologist both think that she's not suffering from dementia, after all.  Yay!

    The woman I thought was house-bound is now driving herself to AA meetings and the bank and the store. 

    And I had nothing to do with it. 

    It was in her, all this time.  Having someone in the house, yes, it's helped her.  But she's done all of this on her own, for the most part.  I can't and won't take any responsibility.

    She's just....happier. 

    But, I have to admit that, during those first few months after I moved in...things were scarier.  She and I fought tooth and nail.  Literally.  Our cats got on better than we did.  They, at least, only hissed.

    It got so bad that I decided to spend $25 a week on a therapist.

    Can I tell you, this money is worth its weight in gold?  NOT for the enlightening I will give you all, my denizens, LOL...

    But seriously, it feels so good to be able to be honest with an objective person.

    You (who know me, anyway) know that I left an abusive relationship several years ago.  You also know I was let go of my job a few years ago.  I have been adrift and I act like it. 

    Through my current therapist, I am not learning how to solve you all.

    Alas.

    I am learning how to recognize in me the many roles that I play, in trying to keep myself seem somewhat normal.

    Here I thought I loved you all, and was very hurt to discover that you all did not love me the same way.  Now I understand why I have been not such a good friend to one and all of you.

    It's because it's okay for me to set boundaries, and not just let you all mold me into what you want me to be.  Yay!

    Because I can't be what you want me to be.  I can only be me.  And sometimes I royally fuck up. 

    My therapist is teaching me to get through that stuff, but in the meantime, I just want to say that I, as always, am a work in progress who is trying to remain progressive.

    My heart is with the Dems.  My issues stem from trying to deal with my Republican family and stop labeling them as such.  I.E., I'm a wishy washy fool when it comes to politics but, hey, you've got my damn back.

    My therapist tells me that it's okay to argue with my family and to continue to stand strong for myself.  My inner critics (ranging from my grandparents to my fool of an ex-boyfriend who drove that 4x4 at 90mph) tell me otherwise. 

    Me, I'm just trying to get through this coming week before I attend my first-ever Dem Party meeting in my new county next Thursday.  AND try to learn the choral music I'm expected to have down pat by May.

    Shall I leave you all with this?  It's one of the songs I sing Tenor in.  Yeh, lol, me a Tenor. 

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W86a2o3uaLs

    Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I'm not here to marry Camus or lust after Artie, or be friends for life with any of you women-folk. 

    I'm just me.  Myself.  And I.

    I'm under construction, as I think we all are. 

    Thanks for listening.

     

     

    Comments

    Brave post.


    Nice Lis. Good for you.


    lis, so much positive news within this post - lessons learned, healing hearts/minds ensuring a future rife with love, laughter and new life skills. And new 'tools' acquired to support and protect you and yours!

    It really is a gift you have given us with your message - at the very least a reminder that we can not only survive, but prevail over life's trials - and be enriched from the experience.  

    You can't do much better, IMO, than to be 'just' you - unique, loving, kind, creative and a blessing for all of us who have been fortunate enough to meet up with you as we traverse our life's path. 

    Thanks for caring about you and us.  


    Hi LisB!


    There is a crack, a crack in everything.
    That's how the light gets in.
     
    - Leonard Cohen, Anthem
     

     


    In my experience, job changes often lead us to reconsider that which we take for granted while we are immersed in the workaday routine—partially because we suddenly have more time to reflect, partially because we suddenly have to reconsider every penny we spend. And of course, you find out who really, "loves ya, baby," when times are tough.


    This is great LisB.

    Takin a chance and seeking out some guidance and comfort.

    But Smith tells me:

     
    I may meander
    through some fields and forests, but
    I'll find my way home.

     

    "I may meander
    through some fields and forests, but
    I'll find my way home."

     

    And so will you, LisB.  
     

    Your words, so honest.

    Your self-critique inspires. 

    Peace; within your grasp.

     

    .


    Holy crap, y'all are too kind. 

    I wrote this in a very drunken state in the wee hours after St. Pat's Day.  It's a wonder any of you read it, LOL.

    But, thank you.  Seriously, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  Therapy IS a wonderful tool and I'm so glad I'm able to use all my hard-earned money on it.  I hadn't realized how much I needed it. 

    And living here with my mother in PA, my eldest sister just a few minutes away, has been wonderful too.  So thanks for all the good wishes.

    I'll let you all know how it goes at the Pike County Dem meeting on Thursday night.  I'm looking forward to it.

     


    This is great, Lis.  You write with such honesty and humor, I know when I start reading your pieces I won't be able to tear myself away until you've finished.

    Glad to hear that your mom's dementia was only temporary.  People still tend to think depression is one of those things one can just snap out of, but often it takes just the right  combination of savvy doctors and the right meds, along with time and patience. 

    I think you sell yourself short when you say it had nothing to do with you.  Loneliness leads to depression all too often, and just having a warm body in the house can make all the difference.  (Hey, it could be that all that cat-fighting was just the ticket, too!  Gave her a reason to get up in the morning. . .)

    My only complaint is that you don't write often enough here at dag.

    Oh, and my other complaint is that you won't consider being friends for life with the women-folk here.

    I don't see what that has to do with anything. 

    It could happen, you know. . .


    Hiya LisB !!!

    Finding oneself is the hardest reality show to watch. Been there too.


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