My anger management assignment gone very, very wrong

One of the take home assignments for my court ordered anger management course was to find useful articles to help de-stress your day.  Well, wouldn’t you know it; I came across this piece of garbage (below in black) and had to “sprinkle” the idiot author with my opinions (in blue) of her “tips and tricks”.  Enjoy!

75 (or 20, whatever) Simple Pleasures to Brighten Your Day

A little trick I like to use to make my days much more pleasant is to find little, simple pleasures and sprinkle them throughout my day.

They’re not big things, but they each simple pleasure can translate to a great day if you use them right.

1. Berries … mmmm. Honestly - who the fuck talks like this?  Either you’re a child molester, or some schoolteacher named Anna or Tina who’ve long ago tucked away the last shred of femininity into the drawer, and pulled out a fresh pair of granny panties and  mom jeans.   You sicken me.

2. Walking barefoot in grass. Ya - if you want to get hookworm from all the dog poop and on top of pimply rashes at the infection site, you suffer a massive case of diarrhea, gastrointestinal bleeding, and blackened stools. Ya - so I’ll pass on the disgusting barefoot walks if you don’t mind.

3. Listening to good music in the car. OK - this one I can’t find too much wrong with.  Except maybe it’s total cheese-dick factor.  But compared to the other turd-blossoms you’ve suggested so far - this one’s a gem.

4. Taking a long, relaxing shower. Are you insinuating that you’re jamming whatever is within reach up your gash?  Because that’s how it sounds.  And while I’m normally all for wet-n-wild masturbatory action, the thought of the person who would recommend “berries, mmmmm” doing that has just made me uber flaccid.

5. Coffee. Oh, wow did you think of this one all on your own?  I sure hope I can expect more pearls of wisdom like “coffee”!  Fucktard.

6. A good novel. So I’m trying to brighten my day, and you tell me to curl up with a good book?  Assuming my day needs brightening, (which if I’m reading your ignorant blather it does) why in the hell would I want to spend large quantities of the day (that you’re supposed to be fixing) silently reading to myself?  WOW - do you have some cyanide tablets for me before I start?

7. Popcorn and an old movie on DVD. Ok, here’s another ignorant idea.  Old movies suck.  Popcorn sucks.  You suck.

8. The smell of fresh-cut grass. You want me to go out to my lawn and sniff it?  You could have suggested I smoke some weed, or take a handful of opiates, but no - I’ll just cure my depression by smelling grass. FUCK YOU!

9. Watching the sunrise. This might be the single dumbest thing anyone has said to me - EVER!  This includes the retards at the learning annex who always want to slap high five and tell me about the poopie they made that day.  Despite how mind numbing those conversations are, they are hundreds of times more intellectually gratifying than you telling me to burn my corneas off and “watch the god damned fucking sunshine”.

10. Walking on the beach. That actually sounds fun, if I can carry a machete, hacksaw and shovel, and if you agree to come with me in the early morning hours.

11. A gentle morning run. You bitch. Have you ever run before?  Not only are you guaranteed a side ache that makes you want to blow your brains out, most of us get that shortness of breath that makes the air feel like it’s coated with broken glass.  But hey, ya - I’ll just wake up out of the coziness of my comforter, away from my hot wife’s naked body, and start my day off ALL WRONG with a morning run.  Again - I repeat.  FUCK YOU.

12. Yoga or stretching or meditation. Ya, why didn’t you recommend this one before the fucking run.  So my muscles will be so torn up tomorrow from my “fun” run, that when I try to stretch I’ll rip the tendon from the bone with minimal effort. Come here - I am going to poke you with this stick I found on my run. 

13. Watching the sunset. Sorry, with my scorched corneas I can’t see anything.  But hey, thanks for suggesting an activity that brings even more damage to my eyes.  Are you by chance related to Dick Cheney?

14. Hugging your child tightly.  You are one sick bastard - you know that?

15. Good wine. That’s it?  Good wine?  What - do I look at it, buy it, drink it, sniff it, pour it all over my sore muscles? 

16. Dancing like you’re crazy. I may kill you.  Really?  Dancing like I’m crazy?  Are you trying to get me committed to a mental institution?

17. A long conversation with a good friend. Sure, that’s what I want to do.  Have a forced conversation with one of those ass-hats who pretend to be my friend.  Why does it have to be long, just to make my life even more miserable?

18. Root beer float. What am I - 8?  Why don’t you just suggest pop rocks and coke, or Laffy Taffy?  Bite me.  Seriously, bite me.

19. Getting a massage. Now this one might have merit.  But I doubt you mean the kind they offer from the asian bathhouse down on highway 99.  You probably mean the kind from one of those gargantuan swedish chicks with the huge noses - and who do massage just to “heal”.  You know what will heal me?  The oiled hands of a hot asian jerking me after a nice hot oil massage.  But hey - I’ll take the actual therapeutic massage from the ugly chick - that’s fine too.

20. Telling jokes till your sides ache. I’ve got one.   What happened to the stupid author of this post after all of her suggestions failed miserably.  She died.  HA HA HA HA. Actually - I am feeling better.