Alien Attack Now Imminent, Republicans Warn

Conservatives are sounding like a celestially-fervid flock of Chicken Littles over President Obama’s plan to reduce the U.S.’s nuclear weapon stockpile by as much as 80 percent.

And for good reason.

As Ronald Reagan knew well in the 1980s—because his wife kept him informed of all inter-galactic current events—20,000 nuclear warheads may have been enough to bomb every sovereign nation on the globe 100 times each, but it wasn’t nearly enough to thwart an alien attack!

Now that the stockpile is in the process of being reduced to 1,550 nuclear weapons, the threat has been compounded.

“The aliens are coming! The aliens are coming!” Republicans screamed upon learning of the president’s plans.

U.S. Rep. Trent Franks called it “reckless lunacy,” while the Republican Party’s all-knowing ayatollah, Rush Limbaugh, described the proposal as “staggering” and “downright scary.”

Though they’ll cloak their fear-mongering with fiery rhetoric about the nuclear capabilities of Iran, Syria, North Korea and Egypt, none of these countries pose a real threat to the United States or her allies. One warhead apiece (four total) would be more than enough to eliminate (literally) each of these foes, and that assumes they were suicidal enough to push the limits.

The real threat, the only logical reason anyone would worry about reducing America’s 1,550 nuclear stockpile, is the threat of an alien invasion—in which case, who knows how many warheads will be necessary to secure our freedom from extraterrestrial aggression?

Obama has several available options. The most extreme proposal would eliminate 1,100 weapons, which would leave the United States with 450 warheads—meaning that the United States would have the capability to flatten every sovereign country on the planet only twice—with about 60 weapons to spare.

Obviously that won’t be enough, not if “The Martians Are Coming!”

And so it’s obvious, dear American citizens, that President Obama doesn’t deserve a second term. If he wins re-election, he may very well “unilaterally disarm” our great country and invite all enemies of freedom to burn our cities to the ground in a hurricane of radioactive explosions.

Think of your children before you punch the Obama-Biden ticket this November.

You’ve been warned.