Back in the warm, fuzzy days of January in South Carolina, Barack Obama was asked whether Bill Clinton deserved to be called the first black president. He replied "I would have to, you know, investigate more of Bill's dancing abilities...before I accurately judge whether he was in fact a brother," to which Hillary Clinton replied, "I'm sure that can be arranged."
Rejoice, readers! It has been arranged. Concerned about increasingly bitter campaigns, further hemoraging of campaign advisers, and the threat of nationwide tantrums if FL and MI primary votes are counted, discounted, caucaused, mailed, text-messaged or what-have-you*, Howard Dean has proposed a novel solution: a dance-off. A number of superdelegates have already hopped onto to the dance-off bandwagon, and under pressure, both candidates have agreed participate. Some detractors feel that a dance-off is not a valid way to choose a nominee, but in the wake of the Texas primacaucus, the Democratic leadership seems to have decided that "validity" is pile of crap.
* I personally advocated for a blog-off in which both candidates would post, and the winner would be decided by reader recommendations, but the technology was thought to be too unreliable.
The winner will be selected by a panel of judges comprised of neutral Democratic statesmen: Al Gore, John Edwards, Mike Gravel, and P. Diddy. The American Internet audience will also be encouraged to register their preferences by writing in comments to this blog. The competition will have three parts: ballroom, breakdance, and freestyle.
In the ballroom segment, the candidates will be partnered with their spouses. Paying tribute to Hillary's support among Hispanics, the Clintons have selected the Uruguayan Tango. Their decision, however, has caused something of diplomatic kerfluffle with Argentina. President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner was reportedly miffed that the Argentine Tango was not selected, and there were rumors in the Uruguyan press that the choice presaged a free trade agreement with Uruguayan (URFTA). Bill Clinton was promptly dispatched to Buenos Aires to meet with Christina's husband, former president Nestor Kirchner. Bill and Nestor took in a soccer match, and after a few cervezas, the hard feelings were assuaged. The two power couples have reportedly planned a double date at a neutral location to be determined. The Drudge Report reports that they plan to play putt-putt golf in Panama, but there have been also rumors of strip-Twister in Guatamala.
The Obamas will lead a small group of dancers in what they're calling "An American Medley", which will include the Macarena, the Horah, country line dancing, and YMCA. According to a statement from the Obama campaign, "the American Medley will unite young and old, black and white, red and blue, male and female, gay and straight, fat and thin, jock and nerd, latte drinker and malt swigger... [Editor: And so on, ad nauseum]
The breakdance segment will be solo a performance, but Bill has asked for the opportunity to prove his "blackness" with an interlude during Hillary's performance, and Barack has graciously accepted. The routines are still being worked out, but Barack has promised to execute his signature moves: "Yes I Can", "The Audacious Hope Monger", and a new creation, "My Grandmother Is A Racist Too". No one has ever seen Hillary break, but her routine sounds intriguing with moves called "Big State", "Experienced", "Richardson Is A #$%@&!!!!", and a friendly challenge to Barack, "I Will Destroy You". Bill's interlude will be a feelgood nostalgia routine to include variations Michael Jackson's famous classics, "W Is For Worm" and "The Hillbot".
Both candidates promise to go all out for the freestyle competition. Barack has been spending lavishly from his campaign chest on an olympic size pool for a massive synchronized swimming routine. There are some rumors that he plans to fit as many as 50,000 performers into the pool. The routine will emphasize his popular grassroots support and lithe young bodies. We're hoping that Barack shows enough taste not to wear a speedo himself.
Clinton, by contrast, is going avant-garde with a performance art piece featuring a many-headed Mexican pinata called the Harping Hydra of Hillary Hate. Each head of the hydra will bear a likeness to one of her enemies. She and a sombrero clad Hispanic child will hack off the heads of the hydra with machetes while screaming guttural war cries. This piece is designed to showcase Hillary's strength as a fighter and her opposition to Nafta, while maintaining allegiance to Hispanic Americans. She's been mum on whose likenesses will be on the Hydra, but a knowledgeable insider has expressed certainty that Chris Mathews and Maureen Dowd will be among the victims along with the expected Republican targets: George Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and Ken Starr. The Republican head chopping is sure to be a crowd pleaser at this Democratic event. Let's just hope that Hillary keeps it friendly, and we don't see Barack's head on the Hydra.
Tune in tomorrow to read about the exciting preparations in Dance Dance Nomination, Part II.