Premium New Year's resolutions for every occasion - now on Ebay

Don't spend begin the new year without a resolution! At Premium Resolutions, Inc., we supply the finest New Year's resolutions for every situation. Visit us on EBay today! Here are a few samples of our offerings:

For elite anti-pirate officers of the Indian navy:
I resolve not to sink any Thai fishing boats.
Buy Now: $3.99

For Thai fisherman:
I resolve to avoid the Indian navy.
Buy Now: $4.99

For Britney, Paris, and Lindsay:
I resolve to wear panties to public events.
Buy Now: $69.99

For Miley Cyrus:
I resolve not take off my clothes for photographers until my publicist thinks it's good for my career or I blow through all my cash.
Buy Now: $199.99

For investors:
I resolve not to buy any more worthless equity until the next bubble.
Last bid: $854,452.04 (increasing rapidly)

For Bernie Madoff:
I resolve to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Trust me.
Buy Now: $50 billion

For Dick Cheney:
I resolve to remain unrepentant until the end of time.
Buy Now: Pegged to cost of Iraq war, currently $583,461,993,036

For Governor Blagjovich
I resolve not to resign until I get something for it. I've got this thing and it's [expletive] golden, and I'm just not giving it up for [expletive] nothing.
Buy Now: Immunity from prosecution

For John McCain:
I resolve to conduct myself with honor and integrity until my next election campaign. Also to study up on the economy.
Buy Now: $399.99

For Sarah Palin:
I resolve to insert myself into America's political consciousness until the country screams for mercy. You betcha.
Buy Now: $150,000 - billed to RNC

For Joe the Plumber:
What she said.
Buy Now: 50% of book proceeds

For Joe Biden:
I resolve to be the most effective VP ever.
Buy Now: a bucket of warm piss

For John Stuart, Stephen Colbert, Jay Leno, and the SNL staff:
I resolve to find something funny about Obama.
Buy Now: $199.99
SNL bonus: I resolve to find something funny, period. Not counting Tina Fey as Sarah Palin.
Buy Now: $299.99

For AIG bankers:
I resolve not to go on lavish spa retreats until the government check clears.
Buy Now: $800 billion

For the American economy:
I resolve to get better. To try to get better. At least to not get worse. Oh screw it, there's always 2010.
Buy Now: Pegged to GDP, dropping rapidly

For Barack Obama:
I resolve to fix the economy, pull out of Iraq, and make healthcare affordable.
Buy Now: Not yet released
And quit smoking.
Buy Now: Free - pro bono

For George Bush:
I resolve to slink into oblivion.
Buy Now: Priceless

For those who can't afford our rates, we've also developed our patent-pending New Year's Resolution Generator™. For a mere $0.99, you can automatically create your own custom New Year's resolutions.

And for those who have trouble fulfilling their resolutions, we have a special Premium Resolution Reminder Service. For an additional $99.99, we will tattoo your resolution on a body part of your choice. Tattoo removal: $1999.99.