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Hits of the Day
News From the Future: Canada in Negotiations with Internet Virus
by Genghis 5/1/2009 - 9:17 am
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May 1, 2029
Canadians suffered a fifteenth day without computer access as the the Canadian government negotiated with a malicious software virus for release of its nation's computers. The virus, known by its nom de guerre, Evil LOLcat, has demanded ¥10 billion, freedom for 25 quarantined viruses, and a "cheezburger."
Denied access to their favorite blogs, entertainment sites, and porn, the normally staid Canadians have reacted with unprecedented rage. There have been riots in Montreal, Toronto, Edmonton, and other megacities. The Canadian government estimates that hundreds have been killed across the country with billions of yuan in property damage. Downtown Winnipeg has reportedly been leveled, but witnesses say that it's hard to tell the difference. Meanwhile, Quebec has threatened to secede if the standoff is not immediately resolved, the fourth such threat this year. According to a recent poll, 55% of non-Quebecois Canadians want Quebec to "STFU and leave already eh," 31% don't realize that Quebec is still part of Canada, 11% "don't give a flying jeezle," and 3% don't know what a "jeezle" is.
The origins of the virus are obscure. Some analysts theorize that it was accidentally spawned in 2023 when Chinese spyware invaded the most popular LOLcat website, icanhascheezburger.com, and had its way with the web host, an event which sparked global outrage and elicited a rare public apology from the Peoples' Socialist Spyware Agency.
As Canada struggles, MyRealittee.com, the world's most popular search engine, has offered a ¥5 billion reward for the capture of virus. Bounty hackers around the globe are tracking it, but Evil LOLcat has so far eluded them and periodically broadcasts taunting messages through Canadian computers and portable devices, such as "I IZ A BAAAAD KITTY!!!!" along images of kitty porn, which have caused some Canadians to be hospitalized.
Developing...
News From the Future is a series of dagblog exclusives about events that have yet to occur. We've received the articles through a glitch in the blogosphere known as a bunghole. Previous headlines:
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In the News
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Koch Brothers, Allies Pledge $100 Million At Private...
Huffington Post - A. Terkel/R. Grim begins report with:
WASHINGTON -- At a private three-day retreat in California last weekend, conservative billionaires Charles and David Koch and about 250 to 300 other individuals pledged approximately $100 million to defeat President Obama in the 2012 elections.
and report includes:
The source told The Huffington Post that they lamented the direction the conference has taken over the years. They said it used to be about "conservative strategy" and building a movement, but now it was mostly an "alpha male" spectacle focused on fundraising to beat Obama.
This is downright frightening.
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Brooks Goes All Revolutionary
If I could offer advice to a young rebel, it would be to rummage the past for a body of thought that helps you understand and address the shortcomings you see. Give yourself a label.
Effective rebellion isn’t just expressing your personal feelings. It means replacing one set of authorities and institutions with a better set of authorities and institutions. Authorities and institutions don’t repress the passions of the heart, the way some young people now suppose. They give them focus and a means to turn passion into change.
As if the socio-political change is a matter of removing one set and plugging in the other set.
In the end, all Brooks once wants to do is point to the kids of today and say "aren't they being silly."
What Brooks wants to avoid is the messiness that comes from delving into the change where the outcome is not known before one set out ahead of time. It wraps this up by saying those who see it in a different way are merely motivated by personal feelings, which is about as asinine as it gets.
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Komen caves, kinda, but still refusing to approve Planned...
As they say, you read, you decide. Preview:
They'll still turn down Planned Parenthood again next time because of the supposed pass-through grant. Unless of course, Nancy Brinker was lying last night. So which is it?
“This represents nothing new. We have known and have reported that they are continuing five grants through 2012. This is a reference to that. The second clause about eligibility is certainly true. Any group can apply for anything. It does not mean they are going to get anything,” Ruse told LifeNews.
Geez, is the 'surrender' a trojan horse? Or in fact, not even a surrender, since ongoing current funding was not being stopped. According to this, it's all about the future funding processes, which is still not committed. Hmmm.
Read the article at http://www.americablog.com/2012/02/komen-caves-kinda-but-still-refuses-to.html -
Senate Votes To Ban Its Members Insider Trading Not Really
Once again, as ever, this bill (as many legislative actions) provides only the facade that our Nation's leaders are legislating what the country needs and holding themselves to the same standards as their constituents.
In truth, the proposed legislation does not provide the same oversight and consequences for Congressional insider trading malfeasance, as the rest of our nation's citizens are subject to under current insider trading laws.
We need to stand up and speak out that this is not good enough! Please, blog - send emails - call - communicate the facts to the WH, media and your own local governmental body, asking them to pass a resolution to be forwarded to your state's congressional members as well as the WH. Don't attack either party as all are culpable. A bi-partisan coalition none should support.
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Komen Reverses Course
Well it took longer than I thought, but just a day longer. KOMEN has reversed course.
We want to apologize to the American public for recent decisions that cast doubt upon our commitment to our mission of saving women’s lives.
Nancy Komen Brinker goes on to deny what happened and continues to say they were misunderstood, but the backlash has been enormous, and they have reversed course and apologize.
The thing is, I think this will continue to hurt them, as they've been found out, they support policies that that hurt women.
Yep, sorry Nancy, your days in the spotlight are probably over.
I will update this with some video soon.
Read the article at http://blog.komen.org/?p=994
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This is relevant to my interests:
Too perfect. Thank you. I hesitate to ask why this is relevant to your interests.
Like maple syrup. mmmmm.
So you thought you could rile dagblog's Canadian fan base with accusations of future wussiness, Genghis? We don't rile so easily. Canadians take to the streets only when our hockey teams either win or lose. (Unfortunately, that happens more often now that the NHL has instituted regular-season tiebreakers. We used to so love a good tie.)
I decline to rise to your bait. Except to say we're all collectively sorry if we've said or done anything to fuel your blatant anti-Canadianism. Even if we didn't do anything, we're still sorry you feel that way.
That's so Canadian.