Jesus Christ quits Christianity after viewing Republican platform

(With today's GOP, I feel like this post - originally posted Sept. 2008 - never stops being topical.)

For years, Jesus Christ had kept quiet while his “followers” had killed and committed horrendous acts of intolerance in his name. They were the “birth pangs” of a new religion, his surrogates would say. One day he would be accepted by all as a liberator.

But in an announcement that has left his followers shaken, the Christ himself has come forward to announce that he is leaving Christianity, effective immediately. The reasoning: The 2008 Republican Platform. Reached for comment at a West Hollywood coffee shop, Christ said that he couldn’t deal with a world that so misinterpreted his words and actions.

“They mention the word ‘faith’ 12 times in their platform,” said Christ. “Do they think we’re idiots or something?”

Christ went on to say that he had grown tired of being portrayed as a “marauding archangel of vengeance,” and that he held out little hope that the world would ever accept his message of peace.

“There’s a new breed of Christian out there that seems to think I represent free-for-all capitalism and slaying my enemies,” said Christ, munching on an arugula quiche. “I mean, they made Isaiah into a Cold War-era strategist, for Dad’s sake. Did they even read the New Testament?”

With the 2008 U.S. Presidential election coming up in short order, many have expressed skepticism over the timing of Christ’s announcement. Reached for comment, John McCain’s campaign lobbyist Rick Davis said that his candidate would not be responding to the “obvious liberal smear.”

“John McCain has made it clear that he will not speak to or about Jesus Christ until Christ shows him the respect he deserves,” said Davis. “John McCain was a POW and deserves respect. Jesus obviously can’t understand the kind of sacrifice John McCain made.”

For his part, Democratic Presidential nominee Barack Obama has said he plans to stay above the fray.

“This is above my pay grade,” said Obama during a campaign stop in Canton, Kansas. “Way, way, way above my pay grade.”

The reaction from many political entertainers was swift. Sean Hannity of Fox News made clear his disappointment in Christ.

“Seriously, let him go,” said Hannity to co-host Alan Colmes on the popular show “Hannity & Colmes” on Fox News. “If he doesn’t have the courage to face up to the Republican platform, how can he ever stand up to Osama bin Laden. This is a partisan attack, plain and simple.”

In response, Colmes vehemently disagreed with Hannity.

“But, but, but … , ” said Colmes.

The major religious corporations of the world have yet to comment on Christ’s decision. At the Vatican Web site, a simple message appeared: “Thank you for allowing us time to reflect on this matter. Pray for us, and know that we need your tithing now more than ever.”

Many devout Christians have stated that Christ’s abandonment will not affect their faith.

“Jesus Christ is the one true savior and those who don’t accept him into their heart will perish in eternal damnation,” said religious entertainer Joel Osteen. “That is the truth, regardless of Christ’s actual involvement.”

A thoughtful Christ said he had yet to decide what would be next for him, but expressed pride in his philosophy and accomplishments.

“We had a good run,” said Christ. “It really far exceeded anything I had hoped for, but humanity was supposed to become more evolved over time, not less.

“It’s just time to pull the plug.”

Christ said he would likely dedicate his time to working on an autobiography that will focus on his philosophies and work with people from all walks of life.

“I figure after 2,000 years it’s about time there was a book about me,” said Christ. “You know, from someone who was actually there.”

When pressed for details, Christ said he wasn’t allowed to reveal anything about the upcoming tome due to a contractual commitment with Simon & Schuster. But Christ did allow for one tidbit to be released - what the “H” stood for in “Jesus H. Christ.”

“Hector,” said Christ, walking out the door.

–WKW