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    Jesus Christ he was enormous

    Bill’s Beginner’s Bible Presents:
    Jesus Christ Was He Enormous


    By William K. Wolfrum

    Chapter 1

    Genesis 6: 1-4 tells us that “there were giants in the Earth in those days.” Like all statements coming from the Word of God, this is factually true. There were, in fact, giants. And none were more giant than Jesus Christ.

    Imagine, if you can, the excitement that was caused by the birth of Jesus Christ! It took five giant Angels, working overtime, to deliver him to his parents. Jesus cut his teeth on a peavy pole and grew so fast the after one week he had to wear his father’s clothes. His lungs were so strong that he could empty a whole pond of frogs with one “holler.”

    Jesus’s clothing was so large they had to use wagon wheels for buttons. They used a lumber wagon drawn by a team of oxen as a baby carriage. When he outgrew this his parents put him on a raft off the coast of Israel. It is said that rocking in his sleep he caused huge waves which sunk many ships. He would eat forty bowls of porridge just to whet his appetite.

    In other words, Jesus was freaking enormous.

    Obviously self-conscious about his size, Jesus went into hiding behind a mountain for the next 30 years. Nothing is known of what Jesus did those days. Then, he finally reemerged.

    The people came from far and wide to see Jesus and bask in his overwhelming shadow. Seeing that Jesus needed a place to live, Jesus’s new followers built him a huge castle. Jesus was pleased and laughed so loud that everyone in the world was healed of their illnesses.

    Then one day, a Muslim sneaked into Jesus’s castle. Jesus, whose sense of smell was equally giant, sensed the intruder and bellowed: “Fee-fi-fo-fum! I smell the blood of a Muslim. Be he ‘live, or be he dead, I’ll grind his bones to make my bread. ”

    Which he did, thus inventing Arabic bread. Then Jesus miraculously conjured up fish and wine to go with the bread and fed all his followers.

    Now, as you know, dinosaurs walked the Earth those days. One day Jesus’s followers gave him a green T-Rex named “Babe.” Jesus rode Babe all throughout the lands. Jesus and Babe were so large, the tracks they made gallivanting around Minnesota filled up and made the 10,000 lakes!

    Aside from being enormous, Jesus had a lot of important things to say and he liked to work with big men. So he needed disciples. The most famous were his twelve disciples. Each of these men was over six feet tall sitting down and weighed over 300 pounds.

    When Jesus was short of help, he trained some enormous ants to do all kinds of preaching. They weighed over 2,000 pounds and ate nothing but the best imported Swedish snuff. The ants did the preaching of 50 ordinary men. In the winter, Jesus had them fitted with warm mackinaws to keep them from hibernating.

    One day, Jesus was sitting on a hill by the river combing his beard with a large pine tree when without warning a volcano erupted and spat four hundred and nineteen gallons of lava onto his beard. Also out of the volcano popped Ghidora, a giant three-headed monster!

    Twice a day for forty days Ghidora, the champion of the Philistines, came out between the lines and challenged the Israelites to send out a champion of their own to decide the outcome in single combat, but all the Israelites were afraid. Jesus, however, declared he was not afraid.

    Jesus and Ghidora finally confronted each other. Jesus bellowed: “This day the LORD will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down, and cut off your head; and I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly may know that Yahweh saves not with sword and spear; for the battle is Yahweh’s, and he will give you into our hand.”

    Jesus then struck Ghidora on all three of its heads and the monster fell on his faces to the ground. Jesus then cut off Ghidora’s heads. The shocked Philistines fled and were pursued by the Israelites “as far as Gath and the gates of Ekron.” Jesus then took Ghidora’s heads to Jerusalem, where today they are known as Al-Aqsa Mosque.

    Coming in Chapter 2: Can Jesus defeat the fearsome MechaJesus?

    –WKW

    HT Michael & Hugh

    Originally posted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

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