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The Heretic's Bible - Genesis 11: God is an asshole

by Genghis 6/14/2009 - 10:00 pm   |

The descendents of Nimrod, the mighty trapper before God, settled in the valley of Shinar. Once they were settled, they decided that it would be fun to build a really tall tower that reached the sky, so that’s what they did.

Then God came around to check out their tower, and he apparently wasn’t too pleased because he said,

“They are a single people, all having one language, and this is the first thing they do! Now nothing they plan to do will be unattainable for them! Come, let us descend and confuse their speech, so that one person will not understand another's speech.”

So God and his pals, whoever they are, descended and confused the people’s speech and scattered them all over the world. Then the people stopped building the city because in addition to translation problems, they were scattered all over the world.

Commentary: You know that kid in school who sees some smaller kids make a tower out of blocks, so he kicks it over to impress his buddies with how big and bad and all-powerful he is. That’s God. But at least He didn’t drown everyone this time.

Anyway, the rest of the chapter is another boring list of descendents and how long they lived. The weird thing is that most of them lived to be 400+ even though God already said that no one would get to live past 120. Maybe He forgot. He should have made another rainbow-type-reminder-thing.

The last bit is important though. In the twentieth generation after Adam, there was a guy named Abram. Abram married a woman named Sarai, who was sterile.

Commentary: I love cliffhangers.


The Heretic's Bible is a translation of a recently discovered commentary by a notorious first century heretic, Joseph the Latriner. The commentary is presented in italics with footnotes by the translator.

Previous: Genesis 10 - Of ites and ims
Next: Genesis 12 - Abram pimps his wife

 

I think that maybe if she would just change her name, she could confuse her womb in to not being sterile anymore. Do you think that might work?

Option B could be for her husband to impregnate one of the servants. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

by Nebton 6/15/2009 - 10:00 am

Nebton, you are that know-it-all kid who reads ahead and then spoils the ending for all the other kids. I take solace in the knowledge that they'll probably string you up by your underwear at recess.

by Genghis 6/15/2009 - 10:40 am (re: Nebton)

Never had that done, but I did get pantsed (see previous post on that) and bubblegum in the hair. No doubt, I did (and do) deserve it. :P

I think the one thing that put an end to it was when my would-be tormenters got fat and slovenly while I became the Adonis I currently am. (Since I don't plan on posting any pictures, you'll just have to take my word on that. Oh, and I have this bridge I've been trying to sell, as well.)

by Nebton 6/15/2009 - 11:21 am (re: Genghis)

The weird thing is that most of them lived to be 400+ even though God already said that no one would get to live past 120.

You mean the bible contradicted itself?  Nooooooooooooooooooo!  Wait, duh.  Tongue out

by Larry Jankens 6/15/2009 - 3:59 pm

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