Exclusive Interview: Joe the Plumber

G: Hello readers. I have a very special guest today: Joe the Plumber, who has exploded from obscurity to celebrity faster than a photogenic moose-hunting governor. Joe, thanks for coming to my blog post.

J: My pleasure, Genghis. I've always dreamed of being interviewed by a blog with a readership of 10 or 11 people.

G: Think big, Joe. We're going for 17 today. I'm honored that you accepted the invitation. I'm sure that you're in high demand since you became the cause célèbre of the presidential debate.

J: Well, I didn't have much choice, since you fictionalized me.

G: Credit where credit is due, Joe. John McCain fictionalized you. Before we get started, are you related to the Polish plumber?

J: Who's the Polish Plumber?

G: In European politics, he represented the specter of cheap Eastern European plumbers taking choice plumbing jobs from Western Europeans.

J: No relation. That guy is a caricature.

G: And you're the real thing?

J: I was a real person before the debate. I had a last name and everything. Now I'm just Joe the Plumber.

G: I see. So what do you represent now?

J: As I understand it, I'm a stand-in for all the guys who crack the $250K income limit, above which Obama would tax the hell out of 'em, but who are still regular guys with names like "Joe."

G: So you're saying that if you were Genghis the Plumber, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

J: No way. In that case, I'd be Genghis the Terrorist Plumber, and we'd be discussing toilet bombs.

G: That's disturbing. In any case, according to a recent study, plumbers with all-american names who earn more than $250K make up 0.00000229% of the population. It used to 0.00000295%, but a couple of guys just went bankrupt. So if I may be blunt, who gives a shit about your taxes?

J: You're missing the point, Genghis. I'm not a voting block; I'm an ideal. Heck, I wasn't making $250 G's either when I was a real person. But I dreamed of making $250 G's. And doggone it, if Obama becomes the president, the real me won't have that dream any more. And neither will all the other plumbers with names like "Joe," "Tom," and "Biff."

G: Because Obama is against dreams?

J: Because Obama wants to tax the heck out of dreams. The real me's dream plumber truck won't be the top of the line anymore. The real me used to fantasize about buying 100 closet augers, 200 slip-joint pliers, and 800 toilet plungers. But if Obama wins, he'll have to scale back his dream. All I want is for the government to keep its dirty hands off the real me's dreams.

G: What about the economy? The credit crisis?

J: Irrelevant. It's a dream business, so it's only affected by the dream economy. The dream economy has very strong fundamentals, very strong.

G: Maybe you should just move to a dream tax haven.

J: I'm seriously considering it.

G: But in the meantime, the real you is willing to give up a real tax break and a real health care cost reduction so that his dream taxes will be lower and he can buy more dream closet augers.

J: Exactly. And not just the real me. All the plumbers, brick layers, auto mechanics, and ice cream truck drivers. They all dream of getting rich some day and but still being regular guys and not becoming snotty golf-playing bastards who deserve to be taxed. Obama's dream tax will ruin it for all of them.

G: Well, thanks for coming by Joe, what you've said makes a lot of sense. Give my best wishes to the real you and his dream plumbing business.

J: Thanks, Genghis. Good luck with your dream blog.