SALT LAKE CITY – The Rapture came and went three weeks ago, say researchers at Brigham Young University. The entire episode took five hours and 45 minutes, and few if any took notice.

“Yeah, Christ was here, he looked around, played a round of golf at Pebble Beach and split,” said one researcher. “It’s a little disappointing really. We expected serious fireworks.”

Many Christians have long believed that the Rapture would include the “vanishing” of millions of loyal Christians around the globe, leaving the rest of the world’s population to die in hellfire. The return of Jesus was supposed to usher in high times for loyal Christians as the doors of heaven would open for them.

As it turned out, however, Jesus showed no real interest in any Christian, living or dead, and instead only took three practicing Jains with him to play golf, and then the foursome ascended to the heavens.

“Maybe next time,” Christ was reported as saying. Christ shot a 73, sources say, as he struggled with his putting.

Many devout Christians said they felt robbed of this significant spiritual event, and blamed liberals for the snub.

“I am a god-fearing Catholic,” said Newt Gingrich. “If Jesus is going to judge us by the liberals amongst us, I say we just shut things down on Earth. That’ll show him.”

–WKW

Originally posted Sept. 21, 2009 at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles