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Hits of the Day
Breaking: Rapture Came & Went Three Weeks Ago - No One Noticed
by William K. Wolfrum 5/20/2011 - 8:37 am
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SALT LAKE CITY – The Rapture came and went three weeks ago, say researchers at Brigham Young University. The entire episode took five hours and 45 minutes, and few if any took notice.
“Yeah, Christ was here, he looked around, played a round of golf at Pebble Beach and split,” said one researcher. “It’s a little disappointing really. We expected serious fireworks.”
Many Christians have long believed that the Rapture would include the “vanishing” of millions of loyal Christians around the globe, leaving the rest of the world’s population to die in hellfire. The return of Jesus was supposed to usher in high times for loyal Christians as the doors of heaven would open for them.
As it turned out, however, Jesus showed no real interest in any Christian, living or dead, and instead only took three practicing Jains with him to play golf, and then the foursome ascended to the heavens.
“Maybe next time,” Christ was reported as saying. Christ shot a 73, sources say, as he struggled with his putting.
Many devout Christians said they felt robbed of this significant spiritual event, and blamed liberals for the snub.
“I am a god-fearing Catholic,” said Newt Gingrich. “If Jesus is going to judge us by the liberals amongst us, I say we just shut things down on Earth. That’ll show him.”
–WKW
Originally posted Sept. 21, 2009 at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles
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In the News
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Russia lawmakers advance bill on penalties for protesters
By Sergei L. Loiko, Los Angeles Times, May 23, 2012
MOSCOW — Stiff new penalties aimed at opposition protesters were given preliminary approval Tuesday by Russian lawmakers loyal to President Vladimir Putin, the target of mass rallies and demonstrations before his March election victory.
The bill, which opposition parliament members termed draconian and protested by threatening to file out of a legislative session, calls for fines of up to $50,000 and up to 200 hours of community service for organizers of rallies and demonstrations that grow violent or exceed the approved number of participants.
The sanctions were approved on first reading by parliament's lower house, which is controlled by Putin's United Russia party. They mark a return by the Kremlin to a tough stance against critics after concessions during the recent election campaign [...]
Also see:
Russians back Putin, strong leadership
Washington Post, May 22, 2012A Pew survey of 1,000 Russians found that President Vladimir Putin is well-liked by more than 70 percent of citizens, especially older adults.
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In Cuba, Mystery Shrouds the Fate of an Undersea Internet...
Associated Press, May 21, 2012
HAVANA — It was all sunshine, smiles and celebratory speeches as officials marked the arrival of an undersea fiber-optic cable they promised would end Cuba's Internet isolation and boost web capacity 3,000-fold. Even a retired Fidel Castro had hailed the dawn of a new cyber-age on the island.
More than a year after the February 2011 ceremony on Siboney Beach in eastern Cuba, and 10 months after the system was supposed to have gone online, the government never mentions the cable anymore, and Internet here remains the slowest in the hemisphere. People talk quietly about embezzlement torpedoing the project and the arrest of more than a half-dozen senior telecom officials.
Perhaps most maddening, nobody has explained what happened to the much-ballyhooed $70 million project....
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Domestic violence is biggest threat to west Africa's...
By Tamasin Ford in Monrovia, Guardian.co.uk, May 22, 2012
Husbands, not strangers or men with guns, are now the biggest threat to women in post-conflict west Africa, according to a report by the International Rescue Committee (IRC) released on Tuesday.
The IRC report, Let Me Not Die Before My Time: Domestic Violence in West Africa, based on data collected over 10 years by the IRC in Sierra Leone, Liberia and Ivory Coast, said domestic violence is the "most urgent, pervasive and significant protection issue for women in west Africa" [.....]
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US Army more selective on recruits, re-enlistments
By Lolita C. Baldor, Associated Press, May 22, 2012
WASHINGTON -- Uncle Sam may not want you after all.
In sharp contrast to the peak years of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, the Army last year took in no recruits with misconduct convictions or drug or alcohol issues, according to internal documents obtained by The Associated Press. And soldiers already serving on active duty now must meet tougher standards to stay on for further tours in uniform.
The Army is also spending hundreds of thousands of dollars less in bonuses to attract recruits or entice soldiers to remain.
It's all part of an effort to slash the size of the active duty Army from about 570,000 at the height of the Iraq war to 490,000 by 2017. The cutbacks began last year, and as of the end of March, the Army was down to less than 558,000 troops.
For a time during the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the Army lowered its recruiting standards [....]
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First cargo delivery to the space station by a private...
Nasa's administrator Charles Bolden said: "Today marks the beginning of a new era in exploration... The significance of this day cannot be overstated; a private company has launched a spacecraft to the International Space Station that will attempt to dock there for the first time.
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The carriage of freight will be the first service to be bought in from external suppliers; the transport of astronauts to and from the station will be the second, later this decade.
Read the article at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-18154937
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Playing a round of golf with Jains? That must have taken days, just to make sure they didn't step on an ant.
I once gave a golf cap to the Dalai Lama - he turned all giggly on me, quite a good sport. Probably has a decent handicap as well. Always take a Buddhist over a Jain for your tourney. They know what goes around comes around. I.e. you let them cheat, they'll let you cheat.
I'm actually pleased with Jesus' one-over-par. He's been off the circuit quite a while. Rapture or no, putting takes practice, and imagine not a lot of cameras and paparazzi following his every tic in heaven. Of course if he's going to win the Open, probably has to get a few of these guys whacked. In which case, I'd recommend a Sikh over a Buddhist - those guys know how to get things done.
From one duffer to another.