BREAKING: God Apologizes for Failure to Disrupt Senate Health Care Vote

God issued an unusual apology on Monday for failing to stop Senate Democrats from cutting off a Republican filibuster of the health care bill. In a brief press statement, God acknowledged underestimating Democrats' resolve and promised a thorough review His divine intercession policies.

In recent weeks, millions of Americans had prayed for God's help to stop the Democrats from passing a health care bill. After the Family Research Council organized a 90-minute prayercast with Senators Jim DeMint (R-SC) and Sam Brownback (R-KS) and Representatives Michele Bachmann (R-MN), Randy Forbes (R-VA), and Todd Akin (R-MO), most theological analysts predicted that God would heed the demands of his constituents. Many interpreted Saturday's record-breaking blizzard in Washington D.C. as evidence that God was taking steps to address the crisis.

But Democrats thwarted the blizzard by holing up overnight in the Capitol building as they doggedly pursued a cloture vote. Realizing that the act of God had failed, Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) called for an emergency intercession, insisting, "What the American people oughtta pray is that somebody can't make the vote tonight."

Analysts focused on the 92-year-old Robert Byrd (D-WV), who seemed like an easy target for the most powerful deity in the universe. But when aides wheeled the senator into the Senate Chamber at 1:06 am, it was clear that God had screwed up.

In His press statement, God expressed surprise at the Democrat Senators' determination, stating that "no one could have predicted that those lazy, spineless secularists would get their act together," but He  acknowledged that the miscalculation had seriously undermined His reputation for omnipotence. In addition, God blamed "bureaucratic snafus" on His failure to respond to Senator Coburn's urgent prayer, and He promised "a full, unblinking review" of the Emergency Divine Intercession Network (EDIN).

While God conceded that institutional changes could take eons, too late to save innocent Americans from Federal death panels and health care benefits for illegal immigrants, He promised an extensive evaluation in which all punitive options would be considered, including "fire," "brimstone," "flood," "pestilence," and "frogs."

God's supporters expressed disappointment at His failure to stop the Senate vote. While some held out hope that He could still pull off a Christmas miracle, others expressed disillusion and skepticism. According to one depressed believer who asked not to be named for fear of divine retribution, God was "on probation":

"If He puts an outside expert in charge of the review, maybe I'll go back to Church. But if it's just another ass-kissing preacher blinded by God's alleged perfection, I'll put my faith into another institution with more accountability. The peer review system in the Hindu pantheon is very appealing to me these days."