As the world tries to comprehend just how horrifying the situation is in Haiti, news of the fall-out from the 7.0 Earthquake has steadily been coming in throughout the early morning.

Mark McGwire has come out and admitted the one thing everyone knew about him – that he took performance-enhancing drugs. Of course, as has been his wont since his retirement from baseball, McGwire did so in a cowardly and milquetoast manner.

“I was given a gift to hit home runs,” said McGwire, who is attempting to return to baseball as a hitting instructor for the St. Louis Cardinals. “I believe I was given this gift. The only reason I took steroids was for health purposes.”

With the announcement of her deal with Fox News, Sarah Palin is now one Glenn Beck stroke, aneurysm, or cardiac event from being the most* batshit crazy person on TV.

–WKW

* Media Version. Overall, Charlie Sheen is still the most batshit and likely to commit a violent felony at some point.

SALEM, Mass. — L.T. Johnson was busy tying a sofa to the roof of his Pinto hatchback, when he was forced to think long and hard about the most recent political controversy.

“Harry Reid said the word Negro when talking about Obama? And Apologized?” said Johnson, now unemployed for 24 consecutive months. “Yeah, I just don’t care, I need a place for my family to live, so I`m not all too interested in stuff like this.”

Ok, maybe not quite that over the top, but the Intelligence Industry really dropped the ball on the Underpants Terrorist kid. And by “dropped the ball,” I mean “Put thousands in needless risk.” I do expect there to be attempted attacks that will get past authorities somehow, but this is sounding quite abysmal.

HEAVEN – The heavenly perfection of Downtown Heaven was disturbed once all Hell broke loose following the news that Fox News Real-Live Journalist Brit Hume advised golfer Tiger Woods to become a Christian to overcome his cheating ways. The ruckus was quelled, however, when Jesus Chist stepped forward to say that he did not care.

Genesis 6: 1-4 tells us that “there were giants in the Earth in those days.” Like all statements coming from the Word of God, this is factually true. There were, in fact, giants. And none were more giant than Jesus Christ.

BRAZIL – Blogger William K. Wolfrum today vowed to cease using emoticons on the Internet, in any way, ever again.

“If feel that they had become an intruder into my soul,“ said Wolfrum, who also vowed to act more “High-Fallutin’“ in 2009. “In real life, I wink maybe twice a year. This is out of hand.’’

Many critics have come forward to complain about Wolfrum`s decision, claiming he is often to self-important and vague in a lot of his satire.

When I started my blog, it was because of my burning desire to affect change on a world troubled on a wide variety of fronts. Or it was because I had too much time on my hands and needed amusement. One of those.

But something strange happened – no one came. For about a few year, I`d celebrate on days where I had 15 hits, even if 14 of them were me, logging on to different computers around the city so I could click my own Google Ads.

Here`s the tip? Just mention Tiger Woods. And Elin. And Affairs. Toss in a helping of steroids, and Britney Spears (because you`re a rebel), and you`re in the money. It`s a new Tiger world we live in. Maybe we can pray it away.

ITALY - Blogger William K. Wolfrum today sent Happy New Years greetings to all his friends, family and readers. Upon hearing this news, U.S. officials quickly surmised that the greeting likely originated in Yemen.

Sometimes, as a journalist, blogger, or what have you, you come across a story you think has real meat on the bone. Such was my thinking when I saw that Patrick Byrne, CEO of Overstock.com, had been mining Facebook to create some type of “enemies list.” The list included business writers, bloggers, as well as the children and families of said writers and bloggers.

ITALY – In a land known for sordid romances, the latest romantic drama has people around the globe transfixed, as two great mythical characters have been linked together by noted blogger William K. Wolfrum.

When the business you run can't make a profit, you fire auditors at a whim and the SEC just won't get off your ass, you might make some enemies. Such is the case of Overstock.com (OSTK) CEO Patrick Byrne. Byrne, however, is proactive about these types of things.

So he made himself an enemies list. From Barry Ritholtz: