Right now over 300 college kids are parading around in sponsored spandex performing the President's Fitness Challenge for a bunch of googley eyed grown men. Well-paid football professionals and numbers geeks are oohing and aahing over tenths of a second in an effort to figure out which specimen they'll hand over the $50 million "Deal or No Deal" briefcase. Endless numbers of greased up Mel Kiper wannabees are plotting these numbers into formulas trying to find the NFL equivalent of e=mc2. Here's a tip: You can slice and dice these digits all you want, but when the digits don't mean anything the only solution you'll come up with is that you are wasting your fucking time.
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We've done it again boys. Garcon! Mount #4's taxidermied head in the hallowed hallway of Jet misery. Put it dead center - right in between Doug Brien's foot and the floor plans of the Manhattan stadium.

Do you really need any more proof that this is the saddest franchise in the NFL? (Shut it Lions fans you get to bathe in your 0-16 bragging rights). It took just 6 months for us to extinguish the most unquenchable fire in NFL history. 6 measly months to get the guy who refused to take a seat a day after burying his father to cry "uncle." 180 days for the guy who was willing to sully his glorious Packers career to convince himself that returning for another season with the Jets just wasn't worth it.
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1. God, does this guy have to endorse everything!?!

2. I think it's safe to say he's a shoe-in for "High Times: Sportsman of the Year"

3. So that's how he was able to put down 8,000 calories in a day without a problem

4. Note to College Swim Coaches around the country: Your team's eyes aren't red tomorrow from the chlorine

5. Ohhh, so that's why it was so foggy in China

6. "Oh you better take an 8th hit Michael. Spitz took 7 down easy."

7. Now, thats what I call Rosetta Stone'd (ZING!)

8. Unlikely this will be Wheaties next cereal cover for one reason only: No sign of the gold medals [Read more]

Nourishment for your gambling Jones. Part 2 is here: [Read more]

It's hard to care about this year's Super Bowl. Sure, I could take the easy route and blame it all on the world melting around us like a spoonful of margarine grilling on my Rachel Ray cookware. But I won't, I can believe it's more than transfatty fake butter. Unfortunately we got ourselves two high quality teams, armed with likeable personnel and two Jesus-like figures under center - one who is see here: and the other whose cranium can withstand a high speed Harley accident. It sort of reads like an awful M. Night Shyamalan script, and as I've painfully learned with his last few bombs, it's best not to get too excited. [Read more]

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You know the recession is getting deep when we are creating interactive Monopoly games mocking it. After all it was the Great Depression which served us up the original top hat, monocle and thimble (or so one dag blogger so falsely convinced me).

Though there isn't any Marvin Gardens or '$10 for 2nd place at a beauty contest' it's certainly worth your time. That is if total domination of a debt-riddled, pitchfork carrying, moral-less country is your cup of Chinese funded tea.

http://www.thebailoutgame.us/

First let me start off by saying that this isn't a particularly easy post for me to write. It'd be an honor to delight you all with a long diatribe about the Jets annual implosion, but that would conflict with one of the great joys of being their fan. That of course is the joy of pocketing all the rage and torment into the pit of my stomach and then watching it explode at the most inopportune times like a bootleg 8th century jack-in-the-box. Like that time a few years back after Doug Brien missed two field goals in the last two minutes against the Steelers and I had to be escorted out of a Dunkin Donuts after receiving 27 cents of change in the form of three nickels, a dime and two pennies. What can I say, I like quarters.
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The Scariest Economic Indicator of all?!?!

Wall Street is a barren stretch of gloom and tumbleweed, unemployment could sniff double digits in '09, yet the Yankees are spending money as if its 'the day after tomorrow.'

$423.5 million in total salary
Mark Teixiera - 8 years, $180 million
C.C. Sabathia - 7 years, $161 million
A.J. Burnett - 5 years, $82.5 million

In less than 10 days the Pinstripes poured through enough money to make even Dennis Kozlowski blush. [Read more]

1. Honestly the most impressed I've ever been with Bush

2. You heard it here first: Obama's toast in Presidential dodgeball

3. "Mr. President I'd take a bullet for you...a shoe?...not so much"

4. "That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who
throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!" [Read more]

Yea, he's a freshman in high school.

Behold...

A few quick thoughts:

1. So if he's Barry to his father Bobby Bonds that means....oh this kid is doomed

2. Looks like the only person who could tackle him is Lawrence Taylor Jr.  Although I believe Li'l LT was out behind the school yard doing blow during this play [Read more]

You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Conspiracy Zone!


Conspiracy #1
Detroit is preparing to make the Lions the crown jewel of the city

Sounds silly to you doesn't it? But let me ask you who has garnered more attention this season: the Pats or the Lions? Do you have any idea what the Seahawks record is? How many fans have you seen sulking in Cleveland? Mark my words: Detroit will use this '08 team as a stepping stone from which to launch motor town USA back to its Flapper and Prohibition days. [Read more]

Schenectady, NY
With the market in freefall and hundreds of his clients suffering heavy 401(K) losses, Chief Investment Officer of AYN Asset Management Robert Lombardo is leaving his clients with one final piece of financial advice before closing up shop at his 17-year old investment firm:

"Leave your stock certificates in your mother's attic."
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ATTN: Parental Advisory Explicit Content

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You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop, the Conspiracy Zone!

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I would not, could not, in a pinch
I could not, would not, without a flinch
I will not bet on them with a mouse
I will not bet on them with my house
I will not bet on them here or there
I will not bet on them anywhere
I do not believe in Gang Green Madame
I do not like them, cause Gang Green I am

That being said: The Jets are the team to beat in the AFC
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Let me set the stage for you: It's a frigid fall day. You and your pals are locked in a 13-13 tie after gutting out a game of pigskin for the last 3 and a 1/2 hours. Sadly, several of your best buds haven't made it this far - cracked endoskeleton, torn ligaments, and dehydration. Most of you can barely breathe. Your jersey tips an 8 extra lbs from when you started, loaded up with epidermis juice and a dab of crimson (some of which has your blood type). You've told everyone the game will be done by 4:30, but no one is throwing in the towel just yet. But just as the "never say die" thought breaststrokes through your mind the minute hand strikes 6 and Jimmy's mother implores everyone off the field from her nearby parked Winnebago. [Read more]

Who'dathunk we'd end up in this mess when folks like Peter here were being celebrated two years ago?

Warning: Don't watch on the computer you'd hate to see a fist put through

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As if this year didn't suck enough, Random House and Ann Coulter are leaving one last skid mark on our soiled 2008 Fruit of the Looms before the Waterford drops.

Behold it in all of its glory. Yup, nothing rings in holiday cheer quite like the Coultergeist. I put it a notch below running down the stairs at Grammy's Christmas morning to find the severed head of 'Geoffrey the Giraffe' under the tree.

And in keeping with the spirit of the holidays Random House is keeping the title of the comic book a secret -

RH: "This book is so hot we can't tell you what it's about. Ann Coulter never disappoints." [Read more]

Day 7.
T + 168 hours since the electoral map Doctors told me it was a 'B.'

10,080 minutes since my grey matter learned happiness could venture beyond the 'first slice of Fudgie the Whale' territory. (Not even the thought of Chuck Todd doing 'Just for Men - Facial Hair' pitch work in 20 years could hold a candle)

Yup, it was grand, euphoric, spectacularly refreshing. Step right up, jut your hand into my 10-gallon hat of ripped up positive adjectives, pull two out and I'll nod in agreement (Magnificently...Grandiose...Sure, that'll do).

T + 161 hours since my 8 helpings of Epidural on the rocks wore off.
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