MrSmith1's picture

    Jeepers It's A Cold Friday Afternoon at the Haikulodeon

     

     

    Here's this week's heap of haikus:


    In spite of the cold,
    a bird sits in a tree and
    sings its song of Spring.


    ---


    Icy sidewalks dare
    my hip replacement; take a
    walk on the wild side.


    ---
     

    Desire often hides
    behind the structure of our life
    seeking permission.

    (Photo courtesy Kristina Rebelo)

    ---

     

    ---

    Under marbled skies,
    a sunrise so bright, even
     the dock seems to cringe.

    (Photo courtesy Kristina Rebelo)

     

    ---

    Two chairs waiting for
    someone to come through the door.
    Godot doesn't show.

     

    (Photo courtesy Kristina Rebelo)

     

    ---

     


    The end of the world
    will always draw a crowd to
    watch the damned fireworks.

     

    (Photo courtesy Kristina Rebelo)

     

     

    ---

     


    They were so poor that
    his mittens were made out of
    used coffee filters.

     


    ---

     


    In Winter, the trees
    are merely shelves for snowflakes,
    biding time till Spring.

     


    ---

     

     


    I walked through a field
    to get to the main road, and
    lost all track of time.

     


    ---

     

     


    1950's-ku:

    Being grown-up meant
    a clean, folded handkerchief
    in your breast pocket.


    ---

     


    Here is your chance to
    flummox my expectations;
    have dinner with me.

     

    ---

     


    Most vulnerable
    words whispered on the playground?
    'Be my valentine.'

     


    ---

     

    in her pink slippers,
    she dances for grand-pa, then
    yawns and off to bed.

     

    ---

     

    She was confusing
    to most people because her
    way WAS the highway.  

     


    ---

     


    My heart imagines
    your passionate love for me,
    How long must I dream?

     

    ---

     

     

    Oh my dear sweet love,
    when you're near me, my heart leaps
    and I'm filled with joy!


     

    ---


     

    His heart had grown old,
    his spirit, weak and flagging,
    Love had shut its door.


     

    ---


     

     

    T'was love at first sight,
    First, he tickled her fancy,
    And then, so much more.


     

     

    ---

     

     


    Outside my window,
    furious snowflakes mingle,
    fearful pigeons roost.


     

    ---

    Life became harder
    after Batman changed costumes ...
    The Lavender Knight?

    (Photo courtesy Kristina Rebelo)


    ---

     

     

    haiku trio:


    He stared at her face,
    searching for the smallest sign
    that she forgave him.

     

    She stared at the floor
    wishing he would go away
    for she felt ashamed.

     

    When their eyes met, they
    felt nothing but the sorrow
    of a love that's lost.

     

     

    ---

     


    When Love passes through,
    it does not leave a lot, just
    a kiss and farewell.


    ---


    Saturday Night Live!
    Chevy fell off a ladder.
    "Live from New York, it's ..."

    (I was in the studio for that first SNL broadcast 40 years ago.  I was an NBC page for the entire first season and a half.  It is an experience I will always treasure.)

     

    ---

     

    Happy Valentine's Day!

     

    ****

     

    Bonus material:   As promised, here is Act Two of The Carrot of Happiness.

     

     

      Act Two  -  Scene One -  The Carrot of Happiness 

                      by Michael Tracy Smith  c) 1985

     

    Scene: The Hippolyta's Girdle Performng Arts Garage and Physique Center. With the house lights still up, SARAH enters from the back of the house. She quickly checks out the theatre before giving the high sign. RICHARD enters warily after her. After they reach the stage, the lights gradually fade completely out.

                             SARAH
    There, are you satisfied? They're not here. They must be on another break, now, come on. Will you hurry up? What's the matter with you, you haven't said a word the whole way back.

                             RICHARD
    I can't help it. I'm stunned. First of all, you've written a play which can only be described as an incredible simulation of my life as seen through the eyes of Bertold Brecht's evil sister. Then after somehow escaping the Audition from Hell, I still manage to land the part. To say I'm confused would be an understatement.

                             SARAH
    Well, thank you for that complimentary critical assessment of my work. Perhaps at the audition everyone simply recognized that you're one extremely talented son of a bitch. (They both crack up)...Alright,  seriously, now I will admit that certain scenes do vaguely echo an occasional incident in your life, but whatchaya gonna do? It's Art. And Art always reflects life. Doesn't it?

                             RICHARD
    You're scary sometimes.

                             SARAH
    What about you? I never thought you'd get out of the theatre.


                             RICHARD
    Well, I guess I had to face facts...

                             SARAH
    I thought they had you cornered, but then you leap-frogged over Nina and put that great head fake on Bernice...You were great!


                             RICHARD
    Oh, that ... I thought you meant ... God, It was like running the Steeplechase...I coughed up Phlegm for three blocks.


                             SARAH
    I thought you were a goner, Richard.

                             RICHARD
    I still might be.


                             SARAH
    Don't be silly. All of them have been here since early this morning. They're just a little cranky, that's all.


                             RICHARD
    Sarah, what am I going to do?

                             SARAH
    Stop worrying, I'll talk to them. They'll forgive you...eventually. Come on, you should be ecstatic. You got the part, you're going to do the play and your mom's going to lend you the money, to get you out of debt. I heard her say so myself.

                             RICHARD
    Well, not quite, there's a catch. Y'see, in order to get the money, I have to go live with her.

                             SARAH
    Live with her? But...then...Richard...hey, Toledo's one hell of a commute.


                             RICHARD
    Don't you understand?  If I live with her, I don't do the play, I get a job in an office. I become another middle-aged loser. The spitting image of dear old Dad.

                             SARAH
    Oh, so that's it ... And you think being an actor is more worthy of you than working in an office.


                             RICHARD
    I guess I do.


                             SARAH
    Then you're an elitist pig.


                              RICHARD
    Oh, thank you very much. But y'know what's weird? Right now, the security of a corporate position is looking better and better. God, I never thought I'd admit that. The trouble is, my only other option is to lie to my brother-in-law, trick him into revealing the fact that he's having an affair, and then go squealling to my sister, who'll give me a cut of her extortion money.

                             SARAH
    Come on, stop it, willya? You're starting to depress me and I'm more optimistic than an Oscar Hammerstein lyric.


                             RICHARD
    So, what should I do?

                             SARAH
    You know what you should do. But, we'll worry about that later. Right now, we've got other things to think about. For now, pretend you're going to be able to do the play. Because there's something I didn't tell you.

                             RICHARD
    What?


                             SARAH
    It's a long story, but the upshot is, that you only got the part on the condition, that you work with Kateesha. Y'see, we really want to use her, but we felt her reading was a little weak, so I convinced them that it was a package deal and that you'd work with her and get her....

                             RICHARD
    Communicative? ...

                             SARAH
    Right.


                             RICHARD
    Well, if I was going to be able to do the part, I think that given enough rehearsal time I could work on drawing a performance out of her.

                             SARAH
    And that's all fine and everything, but while you were gone, I got a call from our backer. She's coming down to the theatre this afternoon, and she said she wants to have some input into the selection process and see how things are going.

                             RICHARD
    Meaning?


                             SARAH
    It's the old dog and pony show. We really need to impress her with the fact that we've got our shit together. So, please do this for me. I don't want her pulling her money out at the last minute. God, we're so close ... we can't afford to blow it now. I mean, call me paranoid, but I'm afraid someone told her what a disaster this whole day has been and she's coming down here to give me the big kiss-off.

    RICHARD
    What happened to Oscar Hammerstein?

    SARAH
    Come on, seriously ... I spoke with the others, and they know what's at stake. They've agreed to be a little less disruptive and try to work more towards our common goal.

                             RICHARD
    Where are they now?


                             SARAH
    On a break...but a short one...Most of them just wanted to watch Kateesha finish her workout.

                             RICHARD
    Y'know, I kinda thought she worked out. There's something very healthy about her. I like that.

                             SARAH
    There's a lot more to her than what you've seen so far.

                             RICHARD
    Oh, I'm sure.  Wait ... She's not gay is she?


                             SARAH
    Well ... Rumor has it.

                             RICHARD
    Damn. Why am I attracted to so many lesbians? No offense.

                             SARAH
    None taken. Maybe you like strong women.

                             RICHARD
    I do?


                             SARAH
    Oh, Richard, wake up. You've surrounded yourself with them.

                             RICHARD
    Okay, point taken ... Why do you think that is?

                             SARAH
    Obviously, you let them run your life.


                             RICHARD
    Well, I don't know what to say about that..

                             SARAH
    Be brave, my friend. Throw it all away. Risk everything. And stand up for yourself.

                             RICHARD
    Okay ... If that's what you really want.

                             SARAH
    In the meantime, what do you say? Will you help me out and work with Kateesha? Please?

                             RICHARD
    According to you, I can't say no. So, go get her, I'll work with her.

                             SARAH
    Great. But now remember, don't try to hit on her. She's taken. (She exits)

                             EDDIE
    (From the back of the house)
    Hey, Richard ... Hello? Richard, are you out there? Is that you?

                             RICHARD
    Eddie!!   What the hell are you doing here?


                             EDDIE
    I followed you down here. You and your girl-friend.
    (Indicating Sarah) I figured, what-the-hell, it couldn't be any more boring than Wrench Out My Guts ... Besides, I, uhhh, wanted to avoid running into your sister at intermission, know what I mean?...So, here I am. Hey, y'know what? when I got here, they weren't gonna let me in...I had to show'em my god-damn badge. Then they let me in quick enough. (KATEESHA enters, carrying a cable chest expander)

                             RICHARD
    Eddie, I'm a little busy right now.

                             EDDIE
    I can see that...What do they do here, anyway? Sex therapy? Group sex? Real kinky stuff, huh? I thought you were in a real hurry to get down here...


                             RICHARD
    Eddie, come on, this is a theatre...A spiritual haven for the arts, a place where traditionally man has gone when he is in need of an emotional and metaphysical catharsis, a transformation achieved through that holy ritual and religious experience we have come to call Theatre.
    ..(KATEESHA begins using the cable expander)  It's also a gymnasium.

                             EDDIE
    What're you bullshittin' me? Listen, I know very well what this place is.  Y'know how I know? I met the whole damn technical crew outside. I tell ya, I never saw so many gals with key chains on their belts and a pack of Marlboros stuck up their sleeves.   As they say down at the stationhouse, I wonder what's holding the Zuider Zee back ... cuz all the dykes are here. 
    (He laughs and snorts.)

                             RICHARD
    Eddie, please...

                             EDDIE
    I'm sorry, Richie, I just wanted to talk, that's all...


                             RICHARD
    Tell you what. You run out and get me a cup of coffee, and we'll talk as soon as you get back.

                             EDDIE
    All right. It's not gonna help my achin' back any, but how do you like it?

                             RICHARD
    Lite and strong.

                             EDDIE
    Hey, me too. Be right back.
    (He exits)

                             KATEESHA
    Do we have time to rehearse?


                             RICHARD
    The nearest deli is about twenty blocks from here. We should have plenty of time.

                             KATEESHA
    Good.

                             RICHARD
    Yeah.


                             KATEESHA
    Could you do me a favor first?

                             RICHARD
    Sure, what?

                             KATEESHA
    I had to quit right in the middle of my workout., so I didn't have a chance to cool down properly, and I'm getting a little stiff. Can you massage my shoulders for a while?


                             RICHARD
    Absolutely. Come here.
    (He tries to massage her shoulders, but is having a great deal of difficulty.)

                             KATEESHA
    Oh, here, just a second.
    (She removes her sweatshirt.) There. How's that?

                             RICHARD
    Oh My GOD!!


                             KATEESHA
    What's the matter?

                             RICHARD
    Wow, you are ... Built! 

                             KATEESHA
    Thanks.

                             RICHARD
    I mean I've seen women at my gym lift weights, but none of them ever looked like you!

                             KATEESHA
    I'm a professional bodybuilder. It's taken a lot of hard work.


                             RICHARD
    You must intimidate the hell out of guys.


                             KATEESHA
    Yeah, but believe it or not, there are lots of people who like the way I look. I get hit on all the time by both sexes.


                             RICHARD
    Really? That must be tough when you're only interested in women.

                             KATEESHA
    Huh?

                             RICHARD
    I said it must be tough when you're only interested in women.

                             KATEESHA
    Who told you that?


                             RICHARD
    Uhh... You're gay, aren't you?

                             KATEESHA
    No I'm not. In fact, I think you're kind of cute...Now what about my massage?

                             RICHARD
    Oh. Right. Umm, sure...Where should I start?


                             KATEESHA
    How about on my trapezius?

                             RICHARD
    Well, if you think there's room..
    .(He laughs nervously) How about the neck?

                             KATEESHA
    Close enough.


    (He begins to massage her neck and shoulders)

                             RICHARD
    You are...

                             KATEESHA
    MMM...What?

                             RICHARD
    VERY solid. I didn't know humans could be this hard. You're like a rock.

                             KATEESHA
    Thanks. I've got a contest coming up next week, so I'm in pretty good shape.

                             RICHARD
    What made you decide to get into bodybuilding?


                             KATEESHA
    I was a scrawny, mousey little kid. With a father who would beat the tar out of me regularly. God, I hated him. He was big and fat and smoked smelly cigars. I'll never forgive him for the way he treated my mom and all of us kids. When I was nine, he beat me with a strap for not cleaning up my room, and I vowed then and there to never give anyone the opportunity to treat me that way again. Of course, my mother, was the perpetual victim. So, I was determined to be exactly the opposite. That got me started going to the gym. Eventually, someone noticed that I had pretty good symmetry, and things just evolved from there.


    (RICHARD stops the massage)

                             KATEESHA
    Hey, why did you stop?

                             RICHARD
    My fingers are very tired. They're not used to softening granite.

                             KATEESHA
    Come here.
    (She puts her arms around him, and kisses him passionately. After a long while she releases him.) Thanks for your efforts. I think it helped.

                             RICHARD
    (Trying to catch his breath) You, you, you, you ...


                             EDDIE (Entering)
    What are you doing? Yodeling?

                             RICHARD
    EDDIE!!  Back so soon? Where's the coffee?

                             EDDIE
    I couldn't find a deli. Richie, I am in excruciating pain. That muscle relaxant isn't working, and my back is killing me.


                             KATEESHA
    Maybe you need an adjustment.

                             EDDIE
    Who are you, Vanna Schwarzenegger?


                             RICHARD
    Eddie, this is Kateesha Malloux. Kateesha, this is my brother-in-law, Eddie Clinton.

                             KATEESHA
    Hi.

                             EDDIE
    Well now,  you are something else ... How long have you been on the juice?


                             RICHARD
    The juice?

                             KATEESHA
    Hey pal, I don't need steroids, I'm completely natural.

                             EDDIE
    Whatdaya think, I'm stupid? Come on, a woman can't get that way without a little help from the drug store. Y'know what I mean? A few male hormone injections and ba-boom...


                             KATEESHA
    All right, big boy, I'll show you what I take.
    (She reaches into her gym bag, and pulls out a thermos) This is it, a special all-natural supplement. No salt, no cholesterol, lots of protein...I made it myself and I take it six times a day.

                             RICHARD (to himself)
    Special food...special times...just like Dextor.

                             KATEESHA
    What did you say?


                             RICHARD
    Dextrose...and amino acids and Bee Pollen...That's probably what's in it, right?


                             KATEESHA
    Yeah, that's part of it and it's good. Here taste it.
    (She offers it to EDDIE)

                             EDDIE
    Eh, no thanks.
    (She offers it to Richard)

                             RICHARD
    Well, if you insist.
    (He takes a drink) Hey, that's good. Tastes like Blueberry muffins.

                             KATEESHA
    It all comes from this mix. I thrive on it.

                             RICHARD
    And you invented it yourself? Have you ever thought of marketing it?


                             KATEESHA
    I wouldn't know where to begin. Now, would you like me to help you or not?

                             EDDIE
    With my back? What are you going to do?

                             KATEESHA
    A couple of years ago, I dated a chiropractor. He taught me a lot. I'll give you an adjustment.


                             RICHARD
    Don't you need a table or something to work on?

                             KATEESHA
    That'd help, but since we don't have one, I'll have to improvise.
    (To EDDIE) Just turn around will you? (He does. She grabs him in a bear hug and lifts him completely off the ground. She leans back, stretching EDDIE's back. EDDIE lets out a small sound, which is a combination of fear and pain. She gently lets him down)...How's that?

                             EDDIE (tentetively)
    All right...I guess.

    (A beeping sound goes off. It is Kateesha's watch.)

                             RICHARD
    Oh, Not again. DEXTOR!


                             KATEESHA
    It's my watch. Feeding time.
    (She hesitates before drinking.) I think I'd better go wash this out. Germs. (She exits)

    (Eddie's underwear is showing. It is pink and frilly.  He starts to tuck it back in.)

                             RICHARD
    Eddie, what's that?

                             EDDIE
    What?


                             RICHARD
    What are you wearing?

                             EDDIE
    What do you mean?


                             RICHARD
    Your underwear. It looked pink.

                             EDDIE
    Oh, you know, Karen must have washed it with my red sweatshirt or somethin'.


                             RICHARD
    Really? Well it also looked kind of frilly, if you ask me...


                             EDDIE
    Well, it's old and ...

                             RICHARD
    And of course, if I didn't know better, I'd say it was silk...

                             EDDIE
    All right all right  ...There...(He drops trou)...See? Satisfied?


                             RICHARD
    Eddie, I'm very disappointed in you. You're suppossed to be having an affair.

                             EDDIE
    What?

                             RICHARD
    Never mind...Come on now, put your pants back on.


                             EDDIE
    Not yet.

                             RICHARD
    What do you mean, not yet?   I don't understand.


                            EDDIE
    You don't understand? What's to understand? I'm wearing women's lingerie under my clothes, all right? I enjoy it. Ya happy now?   I'm sorry if you're disappointed, but I've got to be me.

                             RICHARD
    Eddie, I can't believe this. I mean, you're a cop!   How long have you been doing this?

                             EDDIE                                       
    A couple of months.

                             RICHARD
    How did...what's the... I mean, uh ...why are you doing this?

                             EDDIE
    I'm not sure. It feels good, that's all. My shrink says that if it makes me feel good, there's nothing wrong with it.


                             RICHARD
    When did you start going to a shrink?

                             EDDIE
    About a month ago.

                             RICHARD
    Why?
     

                             EDDIE
    (He sighs) I was afraid I might be some kind of pervert or something. And I had a lot of anxiety about the guys at work finding out. But what really got me to the headshrinker was this weird, hallucination I had one day.

                             RICHARD

    What happened?

                             EDDIE
    I was working eight to fours and I'd just gotten home from work, so I went out to the backyard to work on the truck.


                             RICHARD
    Yeah... and ?...

                             EDDIE
    And I noticed the strangest thing. Somebody had tightened the screws.

                             RICHARD

    The screws?

                             EDDIE
    On the engine. I had loosened them up so I could take the engine out, but the hoist broke, so I just left it that way. At least I thought I did. I mean,I could swear I'd left them so loose, they'd practically fall right out. It was as if they'd tightened themselves. And I know I'm the only one who ever uses the truck. Karen thinks its a piece of junk, and the kids wouldn't be caught dead in it. Then I went to replace the blown gasket, and it looked good as new. I was getting very confused. Engines don't just fix themselves. I got the key and turned over the engine, and it fuckin' purred like a kitten. I couldn't believe it. Anyway, I figured that there had to be some screws loose, and if it wasn't the engine, it must be me. So I went to one of the PBA shrinks and he said that sometimes cops who're under alot of stress and pressure, need to find a way to feel a little more, what-did-he-call-it? Vulnerable, in order to take some of the pressure off. He also said some crap about the truck and what it represented, y'know, in terms of sex, but let me tell you something, he don't know shit about trucks.

                             RICHARD
    Why are you telling me all this now?


                             EDDIE
    The doctor said that if I want to get rid of my anxieties, I have to face up to them.

                             RICHARD
    What about Karen? Are you going to tell her?


                             EDDIE
    Well, I've tried, but it's been sort of difficult...One of the things the Doc has me working on is telling people in an appropriate manner...I haven't been doing so well. But, he also says I shouldn't be embarassed by people finding out... I'm doing better at that...But I'm still too terrified to tell Karen.

                             RICHARD
    I know, but right now, she thinks you're involved with another woman.


                             EDDIE
    Oh, damnit, I knew she'd find that other pair. I should have kept them in the squad car.

                             RICHARD
    Don't you think she would have found out eventually?


                             EDDIE
    Maybe...

                             RICHARD
    Come on Eddie, she told me you've hadn't had sex in months, how long can you go on telling her that you're just too tired, or stressed out. What are you afraid of?

                             EDDIE
    I'm afraid I'm gay.

                             RICHARD
    What, cuz you wear lingerie? 

                             EDDIE
    And I'm not attracted to Karen, anymore, sexually. I'm beginning to wonder if I haven't always been gay, and just living a lie.


                             RICHARD
    Eddie, I don't think that ...

                             KATEESHA
    I'm back...

                             RICHARD

    (To KATEESHA) Be right with you..(Whispering to EDDIE) I don't think you're gay, Eddie.

                             EDDIE (Whispering back)
    You're not gay, how do you know?

                             RICHARD
    It's just a hunch. But even if you were, so what? It's not something people are cursed with. It's simply choosing to find love where it exists for you. And who knows, maybe it's karmic. It could be that there are so many souls which desire expression in this physical world, that spiritual evolution has overridden the innate heterosexual desire to repopulate the species. Do you understand what I mean?


                             EDDIE
    No...You lost me somewhere around the word hunch ...

                             RICHARD
    Oh. Well, never mind.

                             EDDIE
    Karen'll never forgive me if I'm gay.


                             RICHARD
    Just tell her it's her fault..
    .(A pause) I'm kidding.

                             EDDIE
    I'm going to have to do something. I just don't know what.


                             RICHARD
    Well, if you can't talk to her, try doing something.  Like some kind of a small symbolic gesture to represent the fact that you realize the marriage isn't working and you want to consider splitting up. Karen'll understand, it will start a dialogue between you and things can proceed from there.

                             EDDIE
    Except I wouldn't know what to do.


                             SARAH (Entering)
    Oh my god, who are you? What are you doing here?

                             EDDIE
    I'm his brother-in-law.

                             RICHARD
    Officer Clinton followed us here from the theatre.


                             SARAH
    Oh. Well, if you'd like to put your pants back on, officer, and have a seat over there, we're trying to hold an audition.
    (To RICHARD) What the hell is going on?

                             RICHARD
    Well, we were about to start...


                             SARAH
    No, don't tell me you haven't started yet ... Excuse me, I'm going to go have a very optimistic anxiety attack!
    (She exits)

                             EDDIE
    Umm, look, Richie, I better go. I can't leave the kids stranded at the theatre. I'll see you later, o.k.?

                             RICHARD
    Sure, Eddie, we'll talk some more, I promise.


                             EDDIE
    Right. So long.
    ..(He starts out, then comes back) Hey, y'know, I've tried a number of times, to get myself to talk to Karen about maybe, possibly getting a divorce or something, but I didn't ever want to upset her. Y'know, with her epilepsy and everything. She's such a fragile little woman, really. It's funny, but in a way I think she needs me.

                             RICHARD
    Well, you may have to let her discover how much she needs you in her own way.

                             EDDIE
    Yeah, I guess maybe you're right. See ya.
    (Eddie exits)

                             RICHARD
    So long.  (To Kateesha) I'm sorry about the delay, you know how families are.

                             KATEESHA
    Uh-huh. I liked what you said about everyone finding love where it exists for them. It's true, y'know.

                             RICHARD
    Right...Well, let's get to work, shall we? Time for your first lesson in acting. Now, you know what acting is, don't you?


                             KATEESHA (Warily)
    What?

                             RICHARD
    It's pretending, that's all.

                             KATEESHA

    Oh.  Sure.  I know that, but how do you 'do' it?

                             RICHARD
    You make believe.

                             KATEESHA
    Right, I understand that...But how?


                             RICHARD
    Well, it's really...sort of hard to explain. It's like, a sophisticated system of lying...You lie to yourself...You say, "I'm not me, I'm somebody else"  And things like, "I used to love swiss cheese, but now I prefer cheddar." And then you lie to yourself again, and say  "Oh yes, that's true, I really believe that ... "  And then you just keep lying. About things like, for example: I'm not me, so I don't walk like me, I'm mean, so I...walk ... meanly.  (He demonstrates) and ... I wear my watch on the other hand, and I don't chew gum, I smoke cigarettes...unfiltered...down to the nub ... You see what I mean?


                             KATEESHA
    Yeah...But what if the character you're playing does everything you do?


                             RICHARD
    Then your lying becomes more intricate...You don't even know you. And even if you did, you wouldn't have acted that way. You say: "Boy this me's nothing like me. But since I'm not me, I don't even care.  I'm going to do what I do, just the way I'd do it.  Not like me, of course, more like...that guy in the mirror."   But you see, even though you're lying, you have to play your character with a lot of truth, or else no-one will believe you. And of course, you want them to believe you. That's the whole point. So, you really have to tell yourself that what you're doing is real, that you really feel that snowstorm in
    July, or that soft breeze in the autumn moonlight, or that murderous rage towards your closest friend. The more real you can become, the better you're lying. The best actors are the best liars, cuz they can convince you that they're not lying at all.

                             KATEESHA
    This is confusing.


                             RICHARD
    Well, look at it this way. When you workout, you must lift some pretty heavy weights, right?


                             KATEESHA
    Sure. I can bench about 240-245 for reps.


                             RICHARD
    Jeez...Well, anyway, before you lift, don't you ever get an image in your mind, where you picture yourself doing the lift perfectly?  You visualize the proper form and technique, and even see how you'll feel after you complete it successfully.


                             KATEESHA
    Yeah, of course.

                             RICHARD
    That's what acting is. Only you take that image in your mind, and you show it to everybody. You demonstrate what you're imagining.

                             KATEESHA
    Give me an example.


                             RICHARD
    O.k., tell you what. This time, I'll play Althea, you play Grewdiact.

                             KATEESHA
    Fine.

                             RICHARD
    Now the script says in one scene she's an aerobics instructor. So, she'd walk like an aerobics instructor.
    (He demonstrates by walking with a too perfect bouncy posture and his arms curved out and down.) Notice my perky physical perfection...not at all like a phys. ed. teacher. (He makes a small adjustment. His manner becomes more butch, etc.). I would guess that she would wear her hair short, be very attentive to her make-up, because she wants to maintain her femininity, have a warm face with incredible cheekbones, big brown eyes, and a shy sort of smile that could charm the pants off of any dumbell especially the human ones. (He has, of course, perfectly described Kateesha.). Okay.  Get the picture? Think you could act like that person?

                             KATEESHA
    I don't know, maybe. Let me try being you now. I mean try being your character.

                             RICHARD
    Okay ...


                             KATEESHA
    You're a poet, right?

                             RICHARD
    Right. So How would I stand?
    (She exaggerates Richard's posture). Why like that?

                             KATEESHA
    I don't know, repressed childhood? Physically needy?


                             RICHARD
    Very good. How would I walk?
    (She walks very oddly bent to one side) What is that supposed to be? Why are you bent over like that?

                             KATEESHA
    You're carrying a bunch of books and literary magazines. And you need your other arm free to smoke your pipe.


                             RICHARD
    Oh...Nice imagination. I don't think I'd smoke, though...What else?

                             KATEESHA
    You'd be very serious about your poetry. And kind of funny about everthing else. And you'd be very neat and fastidious about your appearance. A kind face, though not quite handsome, with intelligent eyes and an expressive mouth.
    (She has, of course, described Richard perfectly) But I don't understand one thing.

                             RICHARD
    What's that?

                             KATEESHA
    If you can walk around like this:
    (She exaggerates her own posture)
    Why do you walk around like this? (She copies Richard's posture)

                             RICHARD
    Because this,
    (Her posture) isn't who I really am, it's just pretend.

                             KATEESHA
    But what if this
    (Her posture) was who you really were, and this (His posture) was just the pretense?

                             RICHARD

    But this (Her posture) is only acting...

                             KATEESHA
    And all the world's a stage.


                             RICHARD
    And all of us are merely players. Okay, you got me.
    (They embrace) You are the most incredible woman I've ever met. (They kiss.)

                             SARAH (Entering)
    AAAAHHHH ...

                             RICHARD
    Sarah!

                             SARAH

    Richard!  What are you doing? Did I give you the love scene to rehearse? I didn't mean to.

                             RICHARD
    No, we were...ummm...improvising.

                             SARAH
    Improvising? Can I speak to you for a moment in private?

                             RICHARD
    Sure.


    (They cross downstage)

                             SARAH
    What the hell do you think you're doing?

                             RICHARD
    What's the matter?


                             SARAH
    Do you know who this is?

                             RICHARD
    Certainly. You introduced me, remember?

                             SARAH
    I also told you she was taken, remember that?


                             RICHARD
    Yeah, but...

                             SARAH
    She happens to be Hilary Asterbrook's girlfriend.

                             RICHARD
    Who's Hilary Asterbrook?

                             SARAH
    Our Financial Backer!  The woman who is optioning our show for Broadway. The woman who will be arriving here any minute to oversee the final selection process ...


                             RICHARD
    Oh ... her.   But ...


                             SARAH
    Yes, Her ... And what is Hilary Asterbrook going to find when she enters our humble little theatre? Her lover kissing someone else ... And not even someone of the same sex for crying out loud ...Noooooo, she's going to see her lover kissing a man ... and it's not even in the script!   Thank you very much ... I thought I could trust you. I thought you were my friend. You're just another horny hetero trying to get his rocks off.   I think its all in very bad taste.

                             RICHARD
    Sarah. Wait a minute. Slow down. I didn't make a move on her. She made a move on me.

                             SARAH
    Right. Typical male reaction. Blame it on the woman.


                             RICHARD
    Sarah, come on, snap out of it. It's me, Richard ... She came on to me.  I swear.

                             SARAH
    She did? Really?

                             RICHARD
    Yeah. I mean, I took advantage of the opportunity, and I'm really attracted to her, sure, but I wouldn't have done anything to jeopardize the show. You've got to believe me.

                             SARAH

    Alright.  I believe you.  Damn.

                             RICHARD
    What's wrong?
                             SARAH
    Hilary Asterbrook is probably the most jealous woman north of Antarctica. She can sense even the most microscopic deterioration of affections.

                             RICHARD
    You're exaggerating.


                             SARAH
    No, I'm not. The woman who introduced us, was her lover once, they broke up on a Tuesday, because Hilary FELT that this woman was going to buy the Village Voice the next day.

                             RICHARD
    So?

                             SARAH
    Hilary somehow KNEW she was going to peruse the Personals Column in search of a little fling...She simply sensed it. Spooky, huh?


                             NINA (Offstage)
    Sarah!  Ms Asterbrook is here!

                             SARAH
    Oh, God ... I've got to go meet her. We'll start the call-back as soon as we're all settled. And please try to resist any further advances.


                             RICHARD
    I'll do my best.  (sighs)  Word of honor.

                             SARAH
    Oh god, please don't let her find out about you guys.
    (She exits stage right)

                             KAREN (Backing on from stage left)
    Listen sister, keep your hands off my butt ... I don't care who you think I am.

                             RICHARD
    Karen!!  (To Kateesha) What do you know, it's my sister. (To Karen)  Hi, how are you? Is the show over so soon? Where are Mom and Aunt Louise?

                             KAREN
    They're still in the show. I snuck out in the middle. Now I'll never know how Haberdasher's Holiday turns out. Tell me, does he ever get to go on the holiday?


                             RICHARD
    Well, it's a twist ending, but, yes he does...and, hold onto yourself, he also marries the servant girl.


                             KAREN
    No!

                             RICHARD
    Yeah. And now that I've told you the ending, why did you leave in the first place?


                             KAREN
    I had another great idea how we could help each other.


                             RICHARD
    (To Kateesha) This won't take very long. Why don't you read over the final scene.

                             KATEESHA
    Sure. I'll be in the green room. It's a great chance for me to start lying about everything.
    (Kateesha exits)

                             KAREN
    I like the way that woman thinks...Whoever she is.

                             RICHARD
    Sorry, I'll introduce you later. Now, what's your idea?


                             KAREN
    It concerns Eddie.


                             RICHARD
    Really? He was here earlier y'know.


                             KAREN
    That little sneak!!  How dare he leave the kids all alone in a big theatre by themselves.

                             RICHARD
    Karen, they're not exactly alone.


                             KAREN
    Forget it, what did he say? Did you pump him for information? Did he tell you who the little tramp was that he's having an affair with?


                             RICHARD
    No, Karen, as a matter of fact he didn't. But he did say that he had been thinking about asking you for a divorce, but he was afraid it would upset you.


                             KAREN
    Upset me? That idiot!

                             RICHARD
    He thought if he upset you, you'd have another seizure.


                             KAREN
    Christ almighty, I haven't had a real seizure in ten years.

                             RICHARD
    I knew it.

                             KAREN

    That shithead ... He should have known I was lying...

                             RICHARD
    Thank god, now I don't have to listen to you hatch another one of your schemes.

                             KAREN
    Hey, you're right. I'll save it till I really need it. Maybe I can get back in time for the finale.

                             RICHARD
    Only if you hurry.

                             KAREN
    I'll take a cab, I can probably afford it now. See you later, Richard.
    (She exits)
     

    (SEGUE)

                             KATEESHA (Re-entering)
    There's a lot of commotion out there...

                             SARAH
    (Re-entering)
    (To RICHARD) She's here. Now, don't panic, everything's going to be fine. She's sitting up in the lighting booth. And I made Bernice swear not to say a single word to her. Were you able to work any more on Kateesha's acting?

                             RICHARD
    A little bit. Nothing specific.

                             SARAH
    Maybe it'll be enough. Just don't do anything to make Hilary jealous.


                             BERNICE (Sweetly from the lighting booth)
    Excuse me, Sarah. We are ready up here whenever you are.

                             SARAH
    Thank you, Bernice.
    (Introducing Richard and Kateesha to Ms Asterbrook who is seated out front. )  This is Richard Walsh and Kateesha Malloux, who don't know each other and are just now meeting for the first time. They will be reading a scene from The Carrot of Happiness. (She backs off-stage)

                            KATEESHA
    What the matter now, have I hurt your feelings?

                             RICHARD
    No.

                             KATEESHA

    Of course you deny it, because you don't know what feelings are...I'm talking about real feelings, James, deep, knife in the gut sensations, the pain and fear and joy and excitement that make you want to tremble all over till you want to burst. Not some high-brow poetic exercise that you've ordained to call feelings. I'll bet you right now, that you've never felt anything in your life.

                             RICHARD
    Yes I have.


                             KATEESHA
    Oh sure, you cry at old movies, but that doesn't count. I'm talking about the fact that you're 35 and you've never felt the flow of blood in your veins that rushes through you with such force that it almost knocks you over. Can't you understand? I'm talking about slammed up against hard concrete, your insides bouncing on a trampoline, real, vivid, deeply felt multi-layered experiences, not some cheap theatrics, or literary sleight-of-hand...

                             RICHARD
    That's a very interesting use of imagery.


                             KATEESHA
    Will you please stop being a poet for one minute?   Boy, you get me riled up. I just don't see how you can live your life like this. The finite actions and the fuzzy ambiguities of life are all the same to you. They're all chances to distill experience down to imagery.  For you, all the whys and wherefores of life can be summed up by a butterfly landing on a temple bell. But damnit, a poem can't represent life.  The yearnings and longings of even one person's heart are more subtle and varied than that. Don't you see, James, our feelings, our dreams, fly up, held aloft by the fragile feathers of angels, and these unintellectual hopes and wishes defy all your simplistic attempts to reason them out. They carry the power to move us, and they must be felt ere they come crashing back to earth. It is these dreams that have eluded you your entire life, because you have never claimed them as your own.

                             RICHARD
    You are the only woman I've ever really cared for.


                             KATEESHA
    I know, and what troubles my heart is the fact that you may never know how skillfully you have avoided taking the action that you truly feel.


                             RICHARD
    Oh hell...wait a minute, This is ridiculous!  I'm sorry, I apologize ... But Sarah, are you going to have this character of mine speak up and take some kind of action or not? Or does this powerful woman just harangue at him for two full hours? What kind of play is that? Isn't there any moment when he finally wakes up and says enough is enough? When does he take back posession of his own soul? I been waiting to see how you ended things for him, in the hope that maybe it would give me a clue as to how to handle my own life. But so far it's been a big disappointment. Where's the catharsis? He is dominated by this woman for the entire play, and as near as I can figure, he never changes. Is that the statement you're trying to make? Because it's awfully cynical and depressing. What kind of message is that? People must have hope that they can change their lives. They must be reminded that at any time they can assert themselves and live the life of their own choosing. Obligated to no-one for their own happiness. And I choose to do that for myself right now. 

    (RICHARD grabs KATEESHA and kisses her.)

                             SARAH (From offstage)
    Okaay ...That'll be all ... (Trying to break off the kiss) Thank you very much!!

                             RICHARD (Coming up for air)
    No, that's not all. Sarah, I've decided to fight for this part, and one way or another I'm going to do it.  Ms Asterbrook, forgive my lapse in protocol.  Sarah is a wonderful playwright.  I'm just having a very weird day.  (To Kateesha) And you were pretty wonderful too.  What did you do?

                             KATEESHA
    I guess I'm a quick study.

                             RICHARD

    Weren't you nervous?

                             KATEESHA
    Not a bit...That's me lying.

                             RICHARD
    I couldn't tell. Welcome to the theatre.


                             SARAH (re-entering)
    (Shaking KATEESHA'S hand) Very nice work. (To RICHARD) I'm going to kill you. (To HILARY ) What did I tell you? Chemistry ... THEATRICAL Chemistry!  Yup ...

                             BERNICE (from the booth)
    Excuse me, Sarah. Ms. Asterbrook would like to meet with the production staff in the green room.

                             SARAH
    I'll be right there.
    (To RICHARD) You had to pick now to stand up for yourself.

                             RICHARD
    Sorry. Oh, by the way, where's Dextor?

                             SARAH
    What?


                             RICHARD
    Dextor?

                             SARAH

    Gosh,  I haven't seen him since we got back.

                             RICHARD
    Me neither.

                             SARAH

    Of course, I've been a little preoccupied.  I'll have Nina go look for him. (She exits)

                             RICHARD
    Cripes, if it's not one thing...

                             MYRNA
    (Offstage)
    Yoo, hoo, Richard.

                             RICHARD
    It's another... Oh hi mom!


                             MYRNA (enters followed by LOUISE and KAREN)
    Now do you see what I mean Louise about this being in a perfectly awful neighborhood...Hello Richard.

                             LOUISE
    I was more shocked by the rudeness of that cab driver. I don't find that sort of thing funny at all. He certainly could use a shave and haircut. And I would have told him that, if he had spoken any English.


                             MYRNA
    Yes, that was a shame, I wanted to find out what they call those round wooden beads he was sitting on...


                             RICHARD
    Mom, Aunt Louise, Karen ...  I thought I was meeting all of you at the restaurant. (Whispers to Karen) Did you get back in time for the finale?

                             KAREN (Whispering back to Richard)
    In more ways than one.

                             LOUISE
    Your sister and I have been stranded. We didn't know what to do, so Myrna suggested we come down here. I must admit, I was kind of hoping I could see where you do your plays.

                             RICHARD
    Actually...


                             KAREN
    How can you all be so pleasant? I'm so pissed off I could spit.

                             MYRNA
    Well, you're right dear, Eddie never should have done it.

                             LOUISE
    He's just been impossible today.


                             KAREN
    I can't believe it. What a shithead. I'm telling you, Richard, it was an amazing coincidence. A real act of God. That's right, God meant for our show to end precisely when it did, so we could get out in time to see Eddie go driving by. The bastard wouldn't stop to pick us up. But what really makes me crazy is that the kids were with him. I swear, they're automatons or something. I mean, what did he tell them? Louise and I were staying in the city? I know, Let's play a game, called Forget Mommy ... Boy, I tell you, that idiot. Where is he when I need him? For Chrissakes, what are we gonna do?


                             LOUISE
    I guess we'll have to take the train. I hate the train. The cars are always so filthy, and you don't always get a very nice class of people on them.

                             MYRNA
    I think I have a train schedule in my purse...Yes, here you go.


                             KAREN
    Let's see, there's one leaving Penn Station at 7:48 getting in at 9:18.

                             LOUISE
    That's the one that stops at every station. Isn't there any other train we could take?  Aren't there any expresses?


                             KAREN
    Not on Saturday. And the next one after that is the 8:33. Damn that stupid bastard.

                             LOUISE
    There probably won't be a bar car either.

                             RICHARD
    Mom, Karen, Aunt Louise. I'd like you to meet someone. This is Kateesha Malloux. Kateesha, this is my mother, my sister and my aunt.


    (Everyone exchanges pleasantries.)
     
                             RICHARD  (Continuing)
    Kateesha's going to be playing opposite me. I hope.

                             MYRNA (Disappointed)
    Oh, you're not thinking of doing that play are you? How can you afford to?

                             RICHARD
    I can't just yet. But I AM going to do the play. I have to.


                             MYRNA
    It would be so nice to have you around the house again...

                             LOUISE
    I don't think it's such a good idea, Myrna.


                             MYRNA
    You don't?


                             LOUISE
    Of course not. He's a young man, with his own life to live, why should he want to hang around with an old fogie like you? Now don't get me wrong dear, you're a lovely person, and all, but Richard is all grown up now, he's not a child, that's all I mean to say, he's an adult.

                             RICHARD
    Thank you Aunt Louise.


                             MYRNA
    Is that how you feel, Richard?

                             RICHARD
    Yes, Mom, it is. I appreciate your offer and I still love you and everything, but it's time I took what you and dad have given me, and build my own life. I can't come live with you. My life isn't in Toledo, it's here, where my dream is. Though I'll admit I don't know how I'm going to get the money to survive. But I will. And I'm sorry that you're so lonely, but you don't have to be you know, you just have to make the effort to meet new friends and look at new possibilities.


                             MYRNA
    But I had it all planned out. It would have been so nice.

                             RICHARD
    Mom, wait a minute...Aunt Louise, would you consider moving in with Myrna?

                             LOUISE
    Well, I don't know, I might...


                             MYRNA
    Louise, I thought you hated Toledo...

                             LOUISE
    I do...But we've known each other too long to let a little something like that stand in the way.

                             MYRNA
    Oh, that's wonderful.


                             KAREN
    Aunt Louise, would you be willing to let me use your apartment after you move in with Mom? Because it looks like this divorce is going to happen a tad sooner than I originally planned.

                             LOUISE
    Well, goodness, I guess so, dear.

                             RICHARD
    This is all coming together rather smoothly. Except for my finances, of course.


                             KATEESHA
    How about if we go in as partners in marketing my protein powder?

                             RICHARD
    That's a great idea, I'd love to, but we'd still need seed money to get it off the ground. Plus I need to pay off my debts first.

                             MYRNA

    Why is everybody looking at me?

                             LOUISE
    Myrna, stop being so cheap for god's sake. This is your son's life we're talking about. What are you hesitating for?


                             MYRNA
    I'm afraid I simply couldn't afford it. It would be an awful lot of money to just give you. I mean, you don't know when you could pay me back do you?

                             RICHARD
    No, I don't.
      You're going to have to take a gamble on me.

                             MYRNA
    I'm so afraid I'll wind up all alone and I won't have anything left.

                             LOUISE
    Oh dear, it's all right. First of all, let me say this. When I move in, I'll carry my own way as far as expenses are concerned. And secondly, I am more than willing to invest in Richard's future. I'll have my lawyer give you a certified check for whatever you need, first thing Monday morning.

                             RICHARD
    Aunt Louise, you don't have to do this. I mean, I appreciate your offering, but I really don't think...


                             KATEESHA
    Richard, your aunt is making a beautiful gesture.

                             RICHARD
    I know she is.

                             KATEESHA
    Well, smile and say thank you.


                             RICHARD
    (Smiling) Thank you.

                             LOUISE
    You're welcome, dear. Of course, there is one condition.


                             RICHARD
    Uh-oh... 
    (He cringes in anticipation.)

                             LOUISE
    If doing this play's what you want, do it with all your heart.

                             RICHARD
    Thank you Aunt Louise, I will.


                             LOUISE
    And...

                             RICHARD
    Yes?...

                             LOUISE
    Will you get tickets for your mother and me? She really needs to get out of the house more.


                             RICHARD
    Not a problem.

                             LOUISE
    And don't worry. I'll cover her eyes during the filthy parts.


                             SARAH (re-entering)
    Allright, nobody move!  Ladies and Gentleman,it gives me great pleasure to present to you, our distinguished benefactor, Hilary Asterbrook!

    (HILARY Enters. She is short, with glasses, mousey brown hair and is a physical wreck, weighing all of 95 pounds.)

                             HILARY
    First off, let me congratulate you, Mr. Walsh.

                             RICHARD
    Thank you.


                             HILARY
    And secondly, Kateesha...girl, I knew you could do it.


    (KATEESHA runs to her, and they hug)

                             HILARY (Continuing)
    You're the best twin sister, a women could hope for.

                             SARAH, RICHARD (and everyone else)
    TWIN SISTER?!!

                             HILARY
    Fraternal.


                             NINA (Offstage)
    Sarah?

                             SARAH
    What, Nina?


                             NINA (Offstage)
    I found Dextor. He's been asleep. We must have over-medicated him. .

                             RICHARD
    You guys...Where did you find him?


                             NINA (Offstage)
    In the makeup cabinet. Bernice is going to rinse him off in the whirlpool.

                             SARAH
    I'd rather not be here for that.


                             RICHARD (Picking up bag of dog food)
    Me neither. So why don't you all join us for dinner...Karen's picking up the tab.

                             SARAH
    Karen?...

                             KAREN
    It's okay with me. We'll let Eddie worry about it when his American Express bill comes in. For right now, Fuck 'em. Sorry mom...

                             MYRNA
    Richard, there's just one other thing: What if the play flops?


                             RICHARD, KAREN (and everyone else)
    MOM!!

                             LOUISE
    Myrna, it's not the play, it's the dream that counts. For god's sake, let your children have their dreams.

                             RICHARD
    Wow, look at the time. Come on, we've got to hurry, We don't want them to give our reservations to somebody else.


    (As they exit, we hear Dextor barking happily and splashing about, as the lights fade out.)


                            CURTAIN


      

    Comments

    It is cold here also. It is going to freeze tomorrow night. I know don't laugh your butts off but this is the tropics and a frost does damage.  There are homes around here that don't have heat. My heat is on.  

    Nice play.  I enjoyed it. 

    Happy Valentine Day Everyone. 


    Nicely tied loose ends, Mr. Smith! Can't think of any overlooked stragglers, and that's an impressive accomplishment with a tale such as this! I had a grand time on the ride and departed a bit breathless - couldn't ask for anything more. (But I will anyway ... what's next?)


    Hmmm ... What's next?  Well, in the short run, I have to come up with that other play featuring Connie Betters.  I've also got to post the rest of my Fred Allen play ... Then, I have a couple of surprises, I think.   After that, I guess I'm going to have to get my a** in gear and write that new play I've been thinking about ... hahaha
     


    Well done, Mr. Smith. I enjoyed it.

     

    She was the highway

    He was fences and pastures

    They got along well.


    Good one, Oxy!

    She explores pastures,
    I cover the waterfront.
    Call us Surf and Turf.

     

     

     

     

     


    You always leave me with all these thoughts...

    But I cannot think

    When it is 6 below now

    Counting my fingers

    Counting my fingers frozen

    And I am inside

    hahahahahaha

    Wait till I'm outside

    Hulu is a gift

    I can escape the outside

    And fill the inside

    I am so empty inside

    I seek sustenance

    Oh just forget it

    Oh God  l love this

     

    THANK YOU

     

     

     


    Count them more than once,

    unless you happen to have

    seventeen fingers!


    You of all people,
    should know what happens when you
    run out of fingers.

    You only have ten
    fingers, you only have ten
    toes. That's three to spare.


    You can't count piggys,

    'cause every time you try they

    just go "wee-wee-wee"!


    OT. Thanks guys, I think I beat the Dickie Ray story into submission.


    Are you going to re-post the newest version or wait until it is completely finished ... or do we have to receive it telepathically?   If so, I have to re-adjust the rabbit ears on my ESP as my telepathic reception lately has been a bit ... spotty  ... so to speak.


    nyet, rabbit ears. It's posted as Dickie Ray,not Tiffany. Thanks again.


    Missy is mean sometimes.

    hahhahahahhah

    That is what I love about her. hhahhahaah

    It always takes me two or three days to figure out what in the hell she is talking about.

    But, after awhile I think I figure it out.

    hahahahaha

    Although, Missy likes you.

    Which means she has no taste.

    But then again, Missy likes me. hahahahah


    Mittens make unclear
    the seventeen pokes in air
    haikus count upon.


    Counting with mittens

    makes cold, lonely syllables

    feel warm and fuzzy.


    Excellent, Missy!

    Counting with Mittens
    is a Romney Fam'ly game
    Fuzzy thinking wins.
     


     


    HA!!  Excellent, moat!


    Reading the play again, I remembered that I wrote it while part of a playwriting group.  We later formed a production company called the Playwrights' Construction Company.  We produced a night of one acts in an off-off Broadway space including my "Doin' it for Defense", which I posted a few weeks ago.   This was brought to mind by my reading the second act and finding an "in" joke that I planted there.   During one of our early sessions where we read our works-in-progress aloud, one of the playwrights had a line that was so stupidly funny that we decided as a group that we would all try to work the line into our plays as a sort of private joke.  The line was, "it tastes like blueberry muffins", and it caused our group members to explode with laughter every time it appeared in one of our plays.  I was fortunate in being able to work it in fairly smoothly.  It still makes me smile at the sheer sublime dopey-ness of the line.
     


     

    North Texas near the Red river

     

    blue birds think it's Spring

    it's going to snow tomorrow

    what's with climate change?

         fly into closed barn windows

         or a shiny chimney cap


    Or peck at a missing one liner.

    It was 72 yesterday, will be freezing by tomorrow night. There are 40 or fifty birds in the near pasture, pecking at the grass, the crazy blue birds flying into my windows. Yesterday one flew down a chimney, was trapped in the Franklin stove (no fire, thank God) and I finally got him out by taking off the screen in the window. Never have seen so many of these large woodpeckers, red bellied, or golden fronts, hard to tell them apart---never saw so many coming to ground to feed, something big is about to happen.

    I tried looking at Salon. Twenty articles on how sex has just been invented---these birds are laughing so hard they can barely get their shopping done.


    I have been wondering about all the sex articles on Salon for the last couple of months.  I know sex sells but do they have to copy Hufpo's lead on this.  I just skip over all that and read the politics and Joan.  I am a fan of hers.  

    I think the 50 shades of grey is a little over done with hype. I guess politics and sex go hand and hand. 

    The weather has got the birds all mixed up.  Apricots and Almonds are blooming 6 weeks early in California. All the blooming and nesting is suppose to come at the right time or there is no fruit and chicks don't get enough to eat. 

    I just took the time to look at my forecast maps. There is an ice storm starting tonight about 2100 EST in Oklahoma.  It will sweep down into parts of Texas and cover all of Oklahoma on Monday.  The vapor map is showing lots of water.  That means it is going to dump rain, ice and snow some where as it moves east. The color coding is as dark as what is going on in New England. Next few days there will be ice in Arkansas, Tennessee, northern parts of the Gulf states. I didn't check out NOAA but they will have the details. I don't know what part of Texas you are in. 

    Yup something is going to happen and the birds are moving out of the way and getting ready. 


    I know how you love those weather sites. With my country plumbing I try to keep things operational during these months but if it turns to a freeze, especially if the power goes off, that's a whole other scenario.


    I hope the cold front stays north of you in Oklahoma then you will just get some rain. Here in Florida when a hurricane is in the area, the thing that is noticeable is the birds disappear a day before it comes in. If the birds don't disappear then you know it won't make land fall in your area. Birds are smarter then the weatherman. 


     

    Weathermen don't know

    Neither do the coal miners

    You got canaries?


    HA!!  Wonderful Oxy!!


    I just had to add this.

    I cannot recall a time when February was this damned cold.

    I mean we are 60 days into official winter and the high yesterday was ten below (F).

    Complaining about the weather is soooo very stupid.

    In my apartment I can see my breath,  I decided to postpone a purchase of a portable heater till next year. It is cheaper if you purchase one in the summer.

    I am so depressed about this, but hell, I have lived in Minnesota my entire life. hahahaha

    I would have purchased the damn heater last month if I would only have predicted this.

    The hgh today is zero, but tomorrow we shall see a high of 20F.

    Then the subzero temps begin anew.

    Anyway, the dems have to run away from the concept of global warming. climate change works better I suppose.

    And of course, by April, all will be forgotten.

    I had to find a place to rant.

    I am sorry, but this weather is soooooooooo damned depressing.

    AND THE SUN IS OUT FOR CHRISSAKES.

    HAHAHAHAHAH


    I am sure you are staying bundled up.  Turn your oven on and crack the door of the oven for an hour or two. This should cut the chill and give you a little comfort for a while. 

    We had frost last night inland from here.  I am just a little too close to the coast for it.  It was just a couple of degrees warmer then 32 degrees when I took the kids to school.  Hoodies are not warm enough for this weather to stand in the cold. 

    Global warming is our worst problem.

    Fighting winter depression is hard.  

     


    COLD!!!  ARGGGHHHH!!!   

     

    Feh, it's so cold,  former mayor Giuliani is now full of lukewarm air.

     


    Maybe he will finally freeze up like Niagara Falls. Now wouldn't that be nice if he would shut up. LOL.


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