MrSmith1's picture

    A Funny, Freezing, Friday Afternoon at the Haikulodeon

     


    Here's this week's heap of haikus:

     


    A cold wind will blow
    o'er any innovation
    'til it catches fire.

     

    ---


    Twilight, cold and wet ...
    To ease the chill in my bones,
    a savory bisque!

     

    ---

     

    The morning stillness
    will soon enough give way to
    mid-morning madness.

    ( Photo courtesy Kristina Rebelo )

     

    ---

     

    I look at myself,
    so long ago and think, "Oh,
    to be one again."

    (MrSmith and his mom on his first birthday, way back in 1951.)

    ---

     

    On the Seventh day
    of January, we will
    be eating our herbs.

     

     

     

    ---

     

     

    what-to-do-ku:

    Wrap a broken arm
    in pretty scarves, or set it
    right and let it heal.

     

    ---

     

    I am breaking down
    but I am not folding up
    past and present tents.

     

    ---

    Don't resist urges
    from impulse or desire ...
    they will point the way.

     

    ---


    The out of season
    strawberries sat tastelessly
    on her kitchen table.


    ---


    Winter snow again.
    Winds will blow again. Your car
    needs a tow again.


    ---


    What's more exhausting
    than having unlimited
    opportunities?


    ---

    Silhouettes of trees
    turn my river view into
    a jigsaw puzzle.

     


    ---

     


    Dimly lit streetlamps
    dot a snowy path that winds
    through Riverside Park.
     

    ---



    tanka haiku:

    All men were once boys,
    All leaders, once followers,
    Wise men, ignorant.

        Neither resent nor regret,
        all will soon enough be frail.


    ---


    Seldom will you see
    a second thought that dances
    in the morning breeze.

    ---


    A doe hid behind
    a fir tree's branches, and watched
    two children playing.


    ---



    Moon behind the clouds,
    dew forms on the meadow grass,
    she whispers, "Sweet dreams" ...

    ---


    Sometimes an echo
    from a life you left behind,
    will catch up to you.


    ---


    What you are drawn to,
    has within it, the lesson
    that you need to learn.


    ---


    She ran down the street,
    with tears streaming down her face,
    dogs nipping her heels.


    ---


    We're not defined by
    what we have lost, but by what
    we do with what's left.


    ---



    tanka haiku:

    We fight our whole lives
    to thrive in the world of our
    parents, only to

    discover that we're living
    in the world of our children.


    ---



    Icy sidewalks dare
    my hip replacement; take a
    walk on the wild side.


    ---



    A sliver of moon,
    slicing through the clouds ... restless
    shadows roam the fields.


    ---


    In the darkest night,
    there remains an ember which
    will re-light the dawn.


    ---

    Kids were not allowed
    in grandfather's library,
    but cats wandered thru.


    ---


    I don't know her name,
    I'll never see her again,
    Her gaze still haunts me.

    ---


    When you have a lot
    that’s on your mind, let your day
    begin quietly.
     

    ---

    Ice slips off tree limbs,
    as the temper'ture rises.
    The snow turns to slush.

    ---


    God is really smart,
    and hides where some would never
    look; within themselves.


    ---


    Life may not be fair
    nor axioms accurate ...
    Pizza still tastes good.


    ---


    Lonely blue highways,
    asphalt to infinity ...
    Life continues on.


    ---

    The most courageous
    words ever spoken, must be,
    'So ... let us go on.'


     

    ---

     

    Good to remember -
    Most great civilizations
    have risen from swamps.

     

    ---


    My Siamese cat
    sits at the window, and stares
    at distant mountains.

    ---

    I wish I had known
    how to give what you needed.
    I was such a fool.

    ---


    If you own a gun,
    you've agreed to a world where
    shooting's an option.


    ---



    tanka TV-ku:
     
    Horizontal lines,
    adjust the Vertical Hold,
    play with Rabbit Ears.

    TVs were simple once. Now,
    you need to call Tech Support.
     

    ---


    Silent surrender;
    she flops onto the sofa
    and turns on TV.


    ---

     Bonus material - 
    I did not get a chance to transcribe the next two scenes from my Fred Allen play.  I will try to get that done by next week.  Instead, I offer something sillier ... the first two scenes from the first full-length play I ever attempted.  A Farce ... or what I  thought at the time would be a farce ... I wrote it back in the mid-1980's ... It's called The Carrot of Happiness.  

     

     

                                                                                                                                                                                                    The Carrot of Happiness

                                                      by Michael Tracy Smith  - (c) 1985

    Act One - Scene One

    At Rise: A bare stage at a theatre space on West 42nd St. in N.Y.C. between 9th & 10th Ave. Enter Sarah Kuhn, age 30, a tall, attractive, slightly androgynous woman. She wears her hair in a modified punk style, although her clothes are preppy. She addresses the members of the theatre's production staff, who are never seen, and who are represented by various offstage voices.

     

                             SARAH

    All right girls,...hello?...Let's settle down now, o.k.?...Bernice, put a muzzle on it...Now, Richard just called from a pay phone...He told me he's going to be a little late...

     

                             MARSHA (Offstage Voice)

    In order for him to be a little late, we'd have to be in another Time Zone!

     

                             SARAH

    (Laughing) Sarcasm,...very nice, Marsha...Well, I can understand you're all a bit upset, but he'll be here soon, really...I promise.

     

                             VAL (Ofstage Voice)

    Oh, that makes a big difference!...

     

                             SARAH

    Come on girls, I've known Richard for a long time, and the one thing we don't do is lie to each other...When I came out, he was the first person I told...

     

                             MARSHA, VAL, NINA, BERNICE, et al.

    (In unison) Oh really??!?...

     

                             SARAH

    All right, he was the first man...sorry, make that the first straight man I told...I trust him, we've been through a lot together.  Y'know, I had him look after things for me while I was in Europe last year...

     

                             NINA (Offstage Voice)

    So what!? He's still late!!

     

                             SARAH

    Nina, I'm just trying to establish the fact that if Richard says he's going to be here, he'll be here.I mean, he's always been straight with me, and...

                             BERNICE (Offstage Voice)

    And you've always been queer with him!   (Rowdy laughs from the crew)

                             SARAH

    Very funny...No, really hilarious.  Bernice, you should have been a comedienne instead of a lighting designer. I hear laughter can cure anything. Maybe it'll work on that excema...Now, look, this is a big opportunity for us, let's not blow it...I think Richard is perfect for the lead role. Hell, he oughta be, I wrote it for him. That's why I gave him my script to study. Which was, of course, BEFORE I found out that Nina had lost the other copies...

                             NINA (Offstage Voice)

    I didn't lose them!  It wasn't my fault!

                             SARAH

    I'm sorry... that was before I discovered that a dozen renegade scripts had escaped from Nina's knapsack and made a daring leap for freedom into the back of a pickup truck headed for Topeka...Which put us in a bit of a bind. Now granted, it's difficult holding auditions without any scripts...however, luckily, when I spoke to Richard, I told him to stop and xerox a couple of extra copies...

                             MARSHA, VAL, NINA, BERNICE, et al.

    Oh......

     

                             SARAH

    Stop moaning...It won't take that long...It was either that or have the actors read it off my computer monitor...and trust me, that thing gets very heavy after awhile ...Now, in the meantime, why don't you all take an initial look at Kateesha Malloux. She is Hilary Asterbrook's "Friend" and even though she does have only a limited amount of stage experience, Hilary would be most appreciative if we would strongly consider her for the part of Althea.  Now most of you know Hilary, and are aware of her considerable generosity in supporting our little theatre. So let's try to give Kateesha the benefit of every doubt. I'm sure that if we feel she is absolutely, genuinely, completely wrong for the part, Hilary will have no problem with our casting someone else. 

                             NINA

    Sarah?

     

                             SARAH

    Yes, Nina?

                             NINA

    If we did something to upset her, would Ms. Asterbrook actually be so petty as to withdraw her financial support?

                             SARAH

    Let's not try to find out. Now, if "girlfriend" looks the part, we can have her read with Richard a little later...O.k.? Good. (Calling Offstage) Kateesha!

    (Kateesha Malloux, age 31, enters. She has long brown hair, and a pretty, feminine face. She is wearing a loose fitting warm-up suit. She hands a picture and resume to SARAH.)

     Thank you. Now, Kateesha, the role you're up for in my play, The Carrot of Happiness, is Althea Armstrong.  Now I envision her as being a strong, and vital life force.  In other words, she represents every woman. And she plays many roles in Richard's...I mean, in this one particular man's life. But, uhh...now why don't you give the staff a better idea of what you look like, while I review your resume.

    (KATEESHA removes her sweatsuit to reveal an extremely hard and muscular physique. She is a female bodybuilder, wearing a revealing bikini/posing outfit. She begins posing.)

                             SARAH (not looking up )

    Hmm, I see you're from Brooklyn. And that you're the current Ms. Canarsie, and a former Ms. Jersey City Ironwoman winner. You have appeared in twenty-six exercise videos as the girl on the left, and have been weight-training since 1978.  (She looks up to see Kateesha for the first time.)  Ummm … Very impressive ... (to herself) In her spare time, Kateesha enjoys bending steel in her bare hands … Well. Thank you, Kateesha, you can put your things back on. I think it's pretty obvious that you do bring the proper physicality to the part. Now would you mind waiting over there for a minute?

    (KATEESHA crosses stage-right)

                             SARAH (Continued)

    (She snaps her fingers a few times, then loudly clears her throat) (Addressing the production staff) Well, glad to see I finally got your undivided attention. Peggy, put your tongue back in your mouth, you are slobbering all over the sign-up sheet. And get that gleam out of your eyes, Bernice, she could bench press you in her sleep. Don't say it, Peggy, I know that's what you want...hold on, where are you going, Marsha?

                             MARSHA (Offstage Voice)

    Uhh...Home!...I forgot to set my VCR!

                             SARAH

    Don't give me that, you can afford to miss "Cagney and Lacy" one night. You just want to get out front to try to put a move on her... well, forget it, Hilary is extremely jealous...Christ, can we have a little theatrical professionalism  here, please? Now, five years ago, we started the Hippolyta's Girdle Performing Arts Garage and Physique Center, and we were right on the cutting edge of both the avant-garde performance arts scene and the physical fitness craze, but let's face facts ... we've been limiting ourselves. We're in a rut. We've been appealing to a demographically minute audience, if you will...Now, with this play, we have a chance to expand our self-expression outward to the real world...With Hilary Asterbrook's financial backing, we will finally be able to share our vision with the mainstream. This production will get our views across to a larger, more varied slice of the societal pie by guaranteeing us a very visible six month workshop run...Then, if all goes well, Hilary has said that she would be ready to option the play for Broadway ... But first we've got to prove ourselves. We've got to stop acting like just another bunch of dykes in a barn, putting on a show. Because, frankly, I'm tired of writing these veiled dramatizations of my friend's lives when my friends are the only ones that come to see them...I'm sure you all remember last spring, when we did my play about the Hispanic nuns, "Latino Lesbos".  I don't think we had more than half a dozen spectators during the entire run...including Sister Manuella...So, to be blunt, let's not let our galloping libidos get in the way of this opportunity. Come on now, try to imagine expanding your theatrical horizons a little bit, o.k.?...Hello? Anybody home?  I give up...let's take a break...everybody back in twenty minutes. Richard will be here by then, and we can get things started...Nina, please tell the others who have waited that we will be starting soon.

                             NINA (Offstage Voice)

    I told them that half an hour ago.

                             SARAH

    Well, this time you can be telling them the truth.

                             NINA (Offstage Voice)

    They'll hit me...

                             SARAH

    You're the stage manager, that's part of your job.

                             NINA (Offstage Voice)

    (Dejectedly) All right....

                             SARAH

    Thank you. Oh, and you can send the other men home.

                             NINA

    Are you kidding? The two of them left an hour ago. Together.

                             SARAH

    Oh. (SARAH Crosses to where KATEESHA is sitting studying the script) Kateesha, I'm sorry about the delay.

                             KATEESHA

    How'd I do?

                             SARAH

    Good, good.  I'd like to try you out with Richard when he gets here, can you stay?

                             KATEESHA

    I've got to get to the gym...It's chest and arms day.

                             SARAH

    Gee, already?   I know, why don't you work out here?...We've got a weight room upstairs. It's one flight up. Down the hall, past the Costume Department, and it's on your left.  You can't miss it.

                             KATEESHA

    Well, o.k.

                              SARAH

    Just tell Gretchen, you're my guest. I'll come and get you when we're ready for you.

                             KATEESHA

    You won't forget me?

                             SARAH

    I don't think so.

                             KATEESHA

    O.K.(She turns and heads out the door)

    (Richard Walsh, age 35, enters. He is carrying the scripts and a large brown grocery bag.)

                             RICHARD (Hurrying)

    Sarah, Hi! Sorry I took so long but...

    (KATEESHA and RICHARD collide. The collision sends the scripts flying into the air, and RICHARD and the grocery bag sprawling. KATEESHA, however remains standing right where she was.)

                             SARAH

    My scripts!!

    (The scripts are scattered all over the stage.)

                             RICHARD

    Oops...

                             SARAH

    You guys alright?

                             RICHARD

    I didn't know 52 card pick-up was a contact sport.

                             KATEESHA

    Darn! I hope I don't bruise. The judges take off for that. (She exits)

                             RICHARD

    (Getting up) Who was that Mack truck?

                             SARAH

    Kateesha. She's...

     

    (SARAH is interrupted by loud barking offstage)

     

                             RICHARD

    Oh God, I forgot...DEXTOR!!!! (The barking stops) I had to bring my neighbor's dog. I promised her I'd look after him this weekend. He's a pure-bred-something-or-other...very pampered...she said I had to pick up this special food and make sure he eats at special times...anyway, I tied him in the...

      

                             KATEESHA (Re-entering)

    Stairwell. Dog. Yours?

                            RICHARD

    No...He lives next door to me...with his owner.

                             SARAH

    It's an unusual arrangement. Richard gets custody on weekends.

                             RICHARD

    I told her I'd look after him. I'm sorry, was he bothering you?

                             KATEESHA

    Does it bite?

                             RICHARD

    Not on purpose.

                             SARAH

    Hey, Whatdayaknow, me too...

                             KATEESHA

    Would you mind?

                             RICHARD

    What?

                             SARAH (Whispering to RICHARD)

    Moving the dog.

     

                             RICHARD

    Oh...right...sure...(He exits)

     

                             KATEESHA

    Who is...

     

                             SARAH

    The guy you're gonna...(RICHARD re-enters)...Richard Walsh, meet Kateesha Malloux, your audition partner.

                             KATEESHA

    Hi.

                             RICHARD

    Hi.

                             SARAH

    Ah, chemistry. That's very important...

                             RICHARD

    Ummm...I re-tied Dextor a little closer to the railing...you should have no trouble getting by.

                             KATEESHA

    Oh?

                             RICHARD

    Don't be scared, he's just a puppy.

                             KATEESHA

    Who's scared? Teethmarks can leave ugly scars.

                             RICHARD

    Oh...yeah, I always find that to be true...

                             SARAH (To KATEESHA)

    Now don't worry, he's not going to bite you...(Looking off) He IS awfully big for a puppy, isn't he?  O.k., here's the plan: Keep your back to the wall, don't lose eye contact, don't make any sudden moves, inch slowly past him, and most importantly, whistle a happy tune.

                             KATEESHA

    I don't whistle.

                             SARAH

    Hum.

    (KATEESHA exits.)

                             SARAH (Continuing)

    I'll call you when we're ready.

     

    (We hear KATEESHA humming badly off-stage)

     

                             SARAH (Continuing)

    (To KATEESHAThat's it,...now have a nice...pump.  Richard, come here and help me, the scene I want you two to read is on page twenty-three. If we can find page twenty-three

                             RICHARD

    Can we talk for a minute?

                             SARAH

    Sure. Talk and collate...What do you think of Kateesha?

                             RICHARD

    Kind of a funny name...Why?

                             SARAH

    I have a feeling she's gonna be your co-star.

                             RICHARD

    Listen, Sarah, I can't play the part.

                             SARAH

    Of course you can, it's you...that is, I wrote it for you.

                             RICHARD

    No, I mean I'm not going to be able to do it.

                             SARAH

    Why not? It's the role of your life...lifetime.

                             RICHARD

    Well, you know how strapped for money I am right now...

                             SARAH

    Are you kidding? It's the climax of the second act.

                             RICHARD

    What did you say?

                             SARAH

    I said, You owe me a couple hundred bucks, and that's a fact.

                             RICHARD

    It's worse than that. I'm broke. Don't laugh, I mean REALLY broke. I owe money to all my friends, I'm three months behind in my rent, I haven't been able to get any kind of acting work in six months, my phone's dead and my electricity is being turned off on Monday. You know what that means?

                             SARAH                                       

    You won't be able to call anyone to come over and watch your ice cream melt...

                             RICHARD

    That I could handle...Hell, I've been a starving actor for a long time. This is nothing new. You're looking at a guy who once lived on Wonder Bread and celery for six months. No, this time, unfortunately, I have discovered a whole new meaning to the word "debt".

                             SARAH

    Really? Hmmm. Possible re-write. What happened?

                             RICHARD

    It's incredible! Suddenly, the IRS is claiming I owe them twenty seven hundred dollars from that off the books temp job I had a couple of years ago.  And if that weren't bad enough, the coup de grace, is that now New York State is coming after me in a big way for the student loan that I defaulted on twelve years ago.

                             SARAH

    You never paid back your student loan?

                             RICHARD

    No.

                             SARAH

    So you're the one. Why not?

                             RICHARD

    I never had the money.

                             SARAH

    Oh.

                             RICHARD

    No really....I got out of college, and bang, six thousand bucks in the hole. I started hoping for that big break, so I could pay them back all at once, but when it didn't happen right away, I sort of resigned myself to the fact that I wasn't going to pay it off until mom died. And that just hasn't happened yet.

                             SARAH

    Richard, that's awful.

                             RICHARD

    I didn't mean it like that.

                             SARAH

    Didn't you even try paying it back?

                             RICHARD

    Oh sure I did. I obediently sent my little minimum payment in for the first couple of years, even though I could'nt really afford it.    Then one day I noticed that that the monthly interest was slightly MORE than the mimimum monthly payment I was breaking my ass to send in. I was parting with a quarter of my monthly salary and I was still losing ground. I'm not an idiot, I just quit sending the payments. How did I know that every other patriotic young American was doing the same thing?

                             SARAH

    So how much do you owe them?

                             RICHARD

    With back interest, probably around ten thousand dollars. So you see, this time I'm really up shit's creek.

                             SARAH

    You can stall them can't you?                       

                             RICHARD

    No, I've been avoiding them for months. They're already threatening to either auction my furniture or garnish my wages. Which would be fine, if I had any furniture... or wages.

                             SARAH

    Can't you do some temp work or something?

                             RICHARD

    Oh sure. Maybe the president of IBM will be out sick. I could fill in at the board meetings, give speeches for the shareholders, maybe dictate some memos.

                             SARAH

    Come on, what's the big deal? So you go work in an office for awhile.

                             RICHARD

    You don't understand. In order to make the money I need, I can't go in as anything lower than vice-president.

                             SARAH

    Can't you set up payment agreements with them?

                             RICHARD

    I've already done that...twice. I can't set up a third payment agreement until I get some steady money coming in, for real.

                             SARAH

    Well, as Jung said, "in life, security and peace do not lead to discoveries".

                             RICHARD

    I don't need you to quote me old "Father Knows Best" episodes.

                             SARAH

    Not Robert Young, CARL Jung... Anyway, it's too bad we can't pay you for this showcase, but I'm afraid all we can afford to offer the actors is carfare.

                             RICHARD

    Which leads me to the discovery of an empty wallet.

                             SARAH

    God, if only I hadn't taken a leave of absence from my programming job to do these re-writes, I could front you another a loan until the play is a success and we're picked up for Broadway. But I'm afraid I'm a bit on the thin side myself at the moment.

                             RICHARD

    Forget it, even if you had it, I owe you too much as it is...Besides, how can you be so sure the play will get picked up for Broadway?

                             SARAH

    Well, I didn't want to jinx it by telling you, but it's practically a done deal! We've got this backer. She's a very prominent woman, who really understands what I'm trying to say. She thinks I'm a brilliant playwright. And she's finally ready to come out and put her money behind her beliefs. So barring any unforeseen circumstances...

                             RICHARD

    Like your leading man being dragged off to debtor's prison...

                             SARAH

    Oh no, she'd still want to take us to Broadway. That is, I mean...

                             RICHARD

    Oh, great. Congratulations...Damn it, I can't believe this is happening. I finally get an opportunity to create a leading role in a show that goes to Broadway, and I've got a conflict...Riker's Island!

                             SARAH

    Oh Richard, I'm as disappointed as you are.  Isn't there any way for you to get out of this mess?

                             RICHARD

    I'm in pretty deep this time.

                             SARAH

    Well, I don't want to get somebody else.

                             RICHARD

    It might make things easier...

                             SARAH

    I don't care. I wrote it for you, and that's the way it stays. Now, will you at least read for the rest of the production team? They've been waiting for you, and I sort of built you up and everything.

                             RICHARD

    You're a very loyal friend...

                             SARAH

    Besides, the other guys went home.

                             RICHARD

    But...

                             SARAH

    You're a trouper. I'll round up the others.

                             RICHARD

    Sarah, I've got one other problem.

                             SARAH

    What is it, Murder or Manslaughter?

                             RICHARD

    It's my family. They're coming into the city today....Y'see, a couple of months ago, when I was feeling a little more flush, I bought them all theatre tickets for Christmas. Today's the invasion. My sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew are going to see "Wrench Out My Guts".

                             SARAH

    Ugh, two hours of Yuppie Morbidity. Who needs it?

                             RICHARD

    And right next door to that, my mother and Aunt Louise are going to see that new musical, "Haberdasher's Holiday!"

                             SARAH

    A load of stuffy, sentimental nostalgia. By the masters of the genre: The British. Cripes, Richard, how could you?

                             RICHARD

    Oh, they'll love it. Anyway, I've got to go meet them at the theatre in a few minutes.

                             SARAH

    Richard, you just got here!

                            RICHARD

    I know, but I've got to do this, I promised...Look, it's only a few blocks away. I just didn't expect the day to get so bollixed up on me.

                             SARAH

    I suppose you've already asked your family for money...

                             RICHARD

    Yeah, my sister's bringing a little bit, that's why I gotta go meet her. Unfortunately, it's only enough to keep my head above water for a week at best...

                             SARAH

    What about your mom or your aunt?

                             RICHARD

    Well, first of all, Aunt Louise isn't my REAL aunt, we just call her that...we sort of adopted her into the family years ago...and mom, well, you've met her...

                             SARAH

    She came to my last play, didn't she?

                             RICHARD

    Yeah, she and I were the Thursday night audience.

                             SARAH

    How could I forget, she hyperventilated through the entire second act.

                             RICHARD

    Your feminism was just a bit too radical for her.

                             SARAH

    Maybe so, but I still think you should ask her to lend you some money so you can do my play.

                             RICHARD

    I don't know. When it comes to supporting the Arts, she makes Jesse Helms look like Andrew Carnegie.

                             SARAH

    I want you in my play. Ask her.

                             RICHARD

    I want to be in your play, it's just that...

                             SARAH

    What?

                             RICHARD

    Nothing.

                             SARAH

    Richard, you know what your problem is? You don't know how to stand up for yourself.

                             RICHARD

    Sure I do.

                             SARAH

    No you don't. You let every woman in your life push you around.

                             RICHARD

    I do not.

                             SARAH

    Yes you do.

                             RICHARD

    Well, maybe you're right.

                             SARAH

    See what I mean?

                             RICHARD

    What did I do?

                             SARAH

    You didn't stand up for yourself.

                             RICHARD

    But you were right.

                             SARAH

    That's not the point. The point is, you’re going to have to stand up for yourself to get what you want. Or else settle for living a miserable existence with nothing to show for it except what others allow you to have. Is that what you want?

                             RICHARD

    That depends on what they allow me to have.

                             SARAH

    Oh, Richard. Be your own man. Now go find your mother and ask her to lend you some money so you can be in my show.

                             RICHARD

    That's not as easy as it sounds. There'll be strings attached. But it appears I have no other choice, so I'll do it.

                             SARAH

    Good. Now I feel a lot better about stalling for you...Well, go on, go. The sooner you're there, the sooner you're back.

                             RICHARD

    (He starts out then stops.) I'm going to leave Dextor here, o.k.?

                             SARAH

    Sure. (RICHARD exits)...What harm could he get into? (SARAH starts to exit stage right. she is stopped by the sound of offstage whimpering. She goes to the stairwell door and looks offstage at Dextor)...Now how do you suppose he got his head stuck in there?

     

                                                                            BLACKOUT

     

     

                                                                                                                           

     

                                                     Act One - Scene Two

     

    (Scene: 45th Street West of Broadway.  Outside two Adjacent theatres. Both theatres have signs outside which state: Matinee Today.  The stage right theatre houses the hit play, "Wrench Out My Guts."  The stage left theatre houses the British musical, "Haberdasher's Holiday!" The lights come up to reveal Myrna O'Malley Walsh, age 67, standing under the stage right marquee. She is a short, intense woman, who wears bright colors and looks somewhat younger than her age. She is carrying a heavy overnight bag on one shoulder.)

     

                             RICHARD (Entering)

    Hi mom...

                             MYRNA

    There you are. I thought we were meeting at the bus station, but when you weren't there, I decided to walk over. Of course, I tried to get a cab, but none of them wanted to take me so short a distance.

                             RICHARD

    It's only five blocks.

     

                             MYRNA

    I'm exhausted. I'm not young anymore, like you kids, I'm old. I can't do things like I used to, and this bag is so heavy.

     

                             RICHARD

    I know, mom. I'm sorry. Here, let me have it.

     

                             MYRNA

    No, it's okay. I'll manage...How are you doing? I've been so worried.

    RI

     

                             RICHARD

    Everything's...fine. how are you?

     

                             MYRNA

    Oh, you know, nothing ever changes with me. Are you sure you're all right? You look so much thinner.                                                                                                                                                

                             RICHARD

    I weigh exactly the same as the last time you saw me.

     

                             MYRNA

    Aren't you eating?

     

                             RICHARD

    Yes!

     

                             MYRNA

    I thought I saw your friend on Donahue the other day.

     

                             RICHARD

    What friend?

     

                             MYRNA

    Glenn?

     

                             RICHARD

    Glenn!?

                             MYRNA

    Oh, you know, the older man, the director, the one you did that show with a couple years ago...Whats 'is name, Glenn?

     

                             RICHARD

    You mean Frank?...

                             MYRNA

    I guess so...

     

                             RICHARD

    On Donahue?

     

                             MYRNA

    He was telling Phil about in-vitro fertilization.

                             RICHARD

    Mom, Frank is 58 years old, unmarried and gay. The only things he's interested in fertilizing in-vitro are his house plants.

                             MYRNA

    Oh...Well, I don't know, I really thought it was him...

                             RICHARD

    Yeah...(Giving in)...Maybe it was.

                             MYRNA

    I don't know what's keeping your sister...

     

                             RICHARD

    She'll be here.

     

                             MYRNA

    It makes me nervous when they're late like this.

     

                             RICHARD

    Mom, Eddie is probably carrying out one of our ancient family traditions even as we speak.

     

                             MYRNA

    What tradition is that?

     

                             RICHARD

    As my father always did before me, so now my brother-in-law has inherited the Walsh family's age old ritual...he's parking the car in the Rockefeller Center Garage.

     

                             MYRNA

    It was the only place in the city where your father knew to park.

     

                             RICHARD

    As a kid, I don't remember parking anywhere else. Even the time we went to Yankee Stadium.

     

                             MYRNA                     

    So what else is new?...How's your friend, Sarah?

     

                             RICHARD

    Fine. In fact today's the auditions for her new play.

     

                             MYRNA

    She's written ANOTHER play? Oh dear. You're not going are you?

                             RICHARD

    Actually, I just came from there...I've got to go back in a little bit, I just wanted...

                             MYRNA

    Ohh, I was hoping you'd spend the day with us.

                             RICHARD

    I can't. I told you that. Besides, I've seen both these shows. Now, it's all set. I am going to meet you later for dinner. After all, it's Karen's turn to pick up the check.

                             MYRNA

    I knew it. You haven't been eating properly, have you. What's wrong?

                             RICHARD (giving up)

    I'm having some financial problems, all right?

                             MYRNA

    Oh honey, you're just like your father.

     

                             RICHARD

    Stop it, I am not!

     

                             MYRNA

    There's no need to get angry, dear. He was never very good with money either.

     

                             RICHARD

    I'm sorry. It's just that I... need to... ask you ... something ...

                                                                                                                                                                               MYRNA

    What is it, dear?...Oh, wait a minute, there's your sister. (Waving to KAREN, who is off right.)...Keep an eye on Karen, will you? I'm concerned about her. She's been coming into the city an awful lot lately, to see some friends, and I'm afraid she's neglecting the children. Eddie says she's not taking her medicine, so I'm afraid  that with all the driving she's doing, she'll have an accident.

     

                             RICHARD

    She looks fine to me.

     

                             MYRNA

    With her epilepsy, she should never have been given a license, but she lied her way through it, just like everything else.

                             RICHARD

    Mom...(Karen Walsh Clinton, age 40, enters.)

     

                             KAREN

    Hi. Hi mom. Hi Richard. Eddie let me off at the corner. He and the kids are gonna go park the car and take a quick look at the tree.

     

                             RICHARD

    They took the tree down weeks ago.

     

                             KAREN

    Oh...Well, maybe the angels with the trumpets are still up.

     

                             MYRNA

    We can all go by after the show.

     

                             RICHARD

    Mom, there's nothing there! Christmas was over a month ago.

     

                             MYRNA

    Well, it can't hurt to look. (To KAREN) How are you feeling? 

                             KAREN

    I'm a madwoman! Eddie and I decided to act out the book of Revelations today.

     

                             MYRNA

    What?

     

                             RICHARD

    I think we can interpret that to mean that they had a rather cataclysmic argument.

     

                             KAREN

    That's why we're late.

     

                             RICHARD

    What happened?

     

                             KAREN

    Oh, he was just being a shithead. Les wanted to bring his new girlfriend along, and I said it was o.k.

     

                             RICHARD

    But Karen, she doesn't have a ticket.

                             KAREN

    Well, I was going to get her one at the Ticketron at the Mall, but I was so busy last week, that I didn't get a chance, so then I thought she could just get one right at the box office.

     

                             RICHARD

    Karen, "Wrench Out My Guts" has been sold out for months, and the one Mom and Aunt Louise are going to opened last week to rave reviews.

     

                             KAREN

    Well, they must have a single ticket somewhere. Anyway, Eddie was really being a shithead. He started complaining right away this morning...He didn't want to drive because he said he was having a back spasm. Therefore, he also didn't want to pick up Les's girlfriend, Janie...Fine. Les kicks a hole in his closet door. Then Eddie tells Sherrie that she can't wear any make-up into the city. Christ, she's almost 16. Hell, when I started dating him I was only 15, and I'd been wearing makeup for two years. Anyway, Sherrie gets all upset and runs into the bathroom to pout. Meanwhile, I'm trying to finish dressing, when he starts in with me about how he has to work the midnight shift tonight, so we'll have to leave right after the show. I told him that we already made plans for dinner, and that he'd still have plenty of time before he had to get to work. Then he gets wild on me. He starts giving me shit about how he'll have to call in sick, and how he's already done that twice this month because of me, and how the other cops will get pissed off at him, and I said to him, I don't care, this is my family. He's known about this for a month, and he hasn't done anything about it. So then he gets his gun, and he's waving it around...Scared the crap out of me...And he's yelling, that god-damn it, I've got no right to push him around, and I just say, fuck you, you idiot, don't be such a jerk. So then he throws his gun on the bed, and stomps off into the kitchen where he slams the cabinet doors around for a while, which, of course, makes all the dishes rattle, and then he pounds the countertops and turns the water faucets on and off, and finally he picks up the bowl of fruit on the table and throws it on the floor.  Then he stomps down to the basement and does, I-don't-know-what. I'm down on the floor picking up bananas, and he stomps back up the stairs, and he says, "I'm ready to go now", and it's like they've sewn his mouth shut: "I'm ready to go now". So I say "Fine, let's go." And I get everybody, throw them in the car and we take off.

     

                             MYRNA

    Such infantile behavior...I had no idea you wore makeup when you were that young.

     

                             RICHARD

    Sounds to me like Eddie's just acting out his anger.

     

                             KAREN

    He's not up to acting, he's just doing sound effects.

     

                             RICHARD

    Must of been fun being locked in a car with him for an hour.

     

                             KAREN

    He's doing seventy on the Long Island Expressway, and it takes us until Queens before he mellows out. Then, as if just to annoy me, he puts on his Doobie Brothers tape. I said "Pull over." and I made Aunt Louise sit up front with him and I sat in back with the kids.

     

                             MYRNA

    Poor Louise.

                             KAREN

    Oh, don't give me that, she's impossible too.  She bitched the whole time; about the music, the traffic, the kids, the weather, the Today Show, the Tonight Show, the republicans, the democrats, everything.  

     

                             MYRNA

    I'm afraid that Louise doesn't get out much anymore. I'm really surprised she came at all.

                             KAREN

    Probably nothing on C-SPAN.

                             MYNRA

    Well, to tell you the truth, I wasn't expecting her. I think if there was any way for her to get out of coming, she would have.

                             KAREN

    We should have helped her think of something, then we could have given her ticket to Les's girlfriend.

                             RICHARD

    Wait a minute. That was my Christmas present to Aunt Louise, I want her to get out of the house. I think it's good for her.

                             KAREN

    Oh, cut me a break. She's impossible. I'd just as soon not bother with her.

                             RICHARD

    Karen, how can you say that? When we were kids, Aunt Louise was always looking out for us, so now, at this stage of our lives, we need to return the favor.

                             KAREN

    Cripes, I love her too, but sometimes dealing with her is just too exhausting.

                             MYRNA

    Speaking of that, dear, how are the children?

                             KAREN

    They're driving me nuts. I can hardly wait till they leave home.

                             MYRNA

    Ohhh.

                             KAREN

    No, really. Les goes away to college next year, and Sherrie the year after that. Just pray to God that she doesn't turn into a moron all of a sudden.  After that, I'm bookin'

                             MYRNA

    You're what?

                             KAREN

    I'm bookin'...outta here.

                             RICHARD

    What do you mean, a divorce?

                             MYRNA

    Ohh, honey...

                             KAREN

    Don't.  I've made up my mind. I just hope I can hold out that long.

                             RICHARD

    You'll be all right.

     

                             MYRNA  (Spotting LOUISE)

    Louise! Louise, over here...I'll go get her. (MYRNA exits)

                             RICHARD

    Did you bring it?

                             KAREN

    I couldn't.

                             RICHARD

    You couldn't? What do you mean?  You promised me!  Karen, I was counting on you. I need the money. Come on, I swear I'll pay it back.

                             KAREN

    I couldn't get to the bank machine. Eddie started this argument, Les took the car to pick up his girlfriend, I had to re-iron Sherrie's dress after she sat for half an hour in the bathtub. I just couldn't get to the bank machine.

                             RICHARD

    Damnit, I'm screwed. What am I going to do now?

                             KAREN

    Oh, just ask Mom.  For Chrissakes,...big deal.

                             RICHARD

    Yeah, Sarah said the same thing. But you guys don't know, how she'll bitch and moan, about ending her life in the poorhouse and how she'll make me feel small and miserable with the "I've-let-her-down again" act just like she used to do with Dad.

                             KAREN

    Nonsense.

                             RICHARD

    Oh yeah? I remember the first time I heard that speech. Summer 1959. Dad had just lost his job. I was standing in the kitchen, peeling potatoes, when he came in to tell her. They made me leave, but I listened through the door. She carried on as if he'd done it to her on purpose.

                             KAREN

    So, what's that got to do with you? You're not Dad.

                             RICHARD

    Mom's constantly reminding me that I do things just like him.

                             KAREN

    Why does that upset you?

                             RICHARD

    It just does, that's all...In college, I had this asshole roommate,  who loved to share his psychological insights with me. One day, he said: "Y'know, eventually we all become the personification of our parents". So, I shared something right back. I said: "Fuck you." But, I swear, to this day, I think about what he said and I cringe.

                             KAREN

    If I'm turning into the personification of Mom, just think, when we were kids, she was like I am now.

                             RICHARD

    That's a frightening thought...So, you become her and I become Dad? Is that it? Well, no way, damnit, I hate that idea!

                             KAREN

    Richard...

                             RICHARD

    He was weak... and a failure. And though you may find it hard to believe, that's NOT what I want to be when I grow up!

                             KAREN

    I won't have you talking like this. I loved Dad. Now, cut it out!

                             RICHARD

    I'm sorry...I guess I'm upset. I loved him too, dammit.  Did I tell you Sarah wrote a part for me in her new play?

                             KAREN

    No, that's wonderful.

                             RICHARD

    Yeah, it's the lead. Except I can't do it...I'm destitute. I was counting on you to keep my head above water for a few days while I figured out what to do...Hey, there's a bank machine a couple blocks from here, maybe at intermission you could...

                             KAREN

    It probably won't take my card.

                             RICHARD

    Sure it will. You used it the last time you came in, remember?

                             KAREN

    Oh God...Richard, I guess I have to tell you the truth.

                             RICHARD

    What?

                             KAREN

    Even if I used the machine, between Eddie being such a bastard about our finances and the way I overspent on the kids this Christmas, I honestly don't have it to give you, anyway.  God, I wish I did, I know how much this means to you.

                             RICHARD

    Yeah. But then, how could you tell me...I mean, you promised!

                             KAREN

    I wanted to...I did...I thought I could...Richard, believe me, I tried...(She starts to cry)

                             RICHARD

    Sure. I understand...It's okay.

                             MYRNA (Re-entering with LOUISE)

    Well, I was able to get an extra ticket.  It's only a single, so someone will have to sit alone, but it's better than nothing.

                             LOUISE

    Those box office people are so rude.

                             MYRNA

    You're right, Louise.

                             LOUISE

    All your mother wanted to do was turn in our tickets and exchange them for three together, instead of two together and one apart, but they treated her very badly, if you ask me.

                             RICHARD

    Well, Aunt Louise, it is only a few minutes till showtime. 

                             LOUISE

    Good manners aren't governed by clocks.

     

                             RICHARD

    I know, but...

                             LOUISE

    Did you see where they had that rude actor on TV last week?

     

                             RICHARD

    What, him again?

                             LOUISE

    Yes. It was disgusting. How such illiterate pigs get to be stars nowadays, I'll never understand.  In my day, we never would have stood for that kind of crude behavior.

                             KAREN

    What happened to Eddie and the kids?

                             LOUISE

    Sherrie wanted an orange drink, and Les's little girlfriend had an emergency and needed to use the powder room, so they went inside already.

     

                             KAREN

    But, she didn't have a ticket.

     

                             LOUISE

    Well, yes, she seemed to dear, Eddie gave her one.

     

                             KAREN

    What?!

     

                             LOUISE

    I told him that your mother and I were able to get another ticket to our show, so he used the four tickets he had for Les and Sherrie and Les's girlfriend and himself, but like I said, it was an emergency, she had to use the powder room.

                             KAREN

    That was MY ticket!!  Oh, boy, that's it! I can't wait two years, I'm gonna kill him now!! (She exits)

                             LOUISE

    Did I say the wrong thing?

                             RICHARD

    No, no, it's fine, Aunt Louise. Why don't you go inside and get out of the cold. Mom will be with you in a minute.

                             LOUISE

    Myrna, I'm going to have a rye at the bar. I will meet you there.

    (She exits)

                             MYRNA

    All right, dear...(To RICHARD:) Well, I really should see what Karen is up to.

                             RICHARD

    Can I talk to you for a second? I've... got something to ask you.

                             MYRNA

    Are you all right?

                             RICHARD

    Mom, If it's alright with you, I need to borrow ....

                             KAREN (Re-entering in a hurry)

    That's it! I've had it! That's the last straw! I hope his back goes out in the middle of the play! He can't do this to me and get away with it! I've waited over a month to see this play, and now I have to go watch some stupid musical!

                             MYRNA

    I understand it got very good reviews...

                             KAREN

    Just give me the damn ticket, Mom...

                             MYRNA

    Here honey, you can have mine...

                             KAREN

    Oh no you don't. I don't want yours. I'm not babysitting Aunt Louise. Gimme the single, I'll suffer among strangers...(She exits)

                             MYRNA

    Poor Karen...

                             RICHARD

    Yeah...Anyway, Mom, you've still got some money left over from the sale of the house, don't you?

     

                             MYRNA

    Well yes, of course,dear but...

                             SARAH (Enters running)

    Richard! There you are!

                             RICHARD

    Sarah!

                             SARAH

    I tried to catch you just after you left, but...Oh my god, I ran all the way...

     

                             RICHARD                                     

    You remember my mother...

                             SARAH

    Yes, we met about a year ago,...I gave you the smelling salts.

                             MYRNA

    Yes, I remember.

                             RICHARD

    So, what's the matter?

                             SARAH

    Right after you left, I discovered Dextor had gotten his head stuck between the bars of the stairway railing. We all tried to get him out, but he won't budge.   

                             RICHARD

    Oh shit...

     

                             MYRNA

    Richard!!...

     

                             RICHARD

    I'm sorry, Mom.

                             SARAH

    Bernice wanted to use her acetylene torch, but Dextor freaked out when she lit it. Then Nina suggested shaving his head, and using Peggy's tube of Petroleum Jelly, but I said I thought it was your call, since you're the next of kin, so to speak...

                             RICHARD

    O.k., let's go...wait a minute...(taking MYRNA aside) Mom, could you...

                             LOUISE (Interrupting)

    Myrna! Come on, the play is starting! We'll miss the best part!

                             SARAH

    Richard! Let's go!

                             RICHARD

    Mom!...Go on ahead...I'll meet you at intermission.

                            MYRNA

    But what about your audition? Aren't you going to spend the day with your friend?

                             RICHARD

    Never mind, I'll work it out...You just go and enjoy the show.

                             SARAH

    Richard!! (MYRNA and LOUISE exit into the theatre)

                             RICHARD

    (He turns. SARAH anticipating him runs off) Dextor. Damn. (He runs after her.)

     

     

                                                      BLACKOUT

     

     

                                                             ****


     

    Comments

    I hope you are nice and warm in this cold weather.  I had plenty of herbs this week that I froze that was given to me.  The college had a special event to raise money and had a chef do the cooking.  So my daughter had to clean up the kitchen were she works and brought them to me.  They were going to toss them out.  She gave me some last year too. So I got a big smile at your reference to  Jan. 7th.  I guess I had sort of Kayu meal of rice and herbs.  I could use some good luck. 

    I am still reading your play.  I got to the part about owing money for education. It is late so I will finish it tomorrow night. 

    You have a good one. 


    I came across the picture on the Metropolitan Museum's Facebook page and then had to google to find out what ceremony happens on Jan. 7th.  That was a new one to me, but I like the idea.

    It is really cold here in NYC. 

     

     


    My goodness!

    I need some discipline here. You could teach a course on how to write a script.

    I have read great scripts and even blogged about them with some tech probs related to reproduction (read cut and paste)

    I just have to come back again.

    Okay, now to poetry of sorts.

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    I keep caving in

    I am sick of caving in

    Even Moat told me

    To assume more years

    And attempt to accomplish

    Something as I wan

    I have been so damned

    I have been so damned cold here

    Highs get to zero

    Zero as a high?

    Factor in the wind chill temp

    It's twenty below

    I must confront cold

    All men were once boys

    But men become boys

    When they refuse to confront

    I must confront cold

    xxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Or I shall surely die

    done


    I am with you when it comes to the cold.  When it comes to cold, zero is not nothing ... so to speak.   I suppose in another context, caving in could also be seen as taking action.  It is the resistance to doing anything that causes the most problems.  Caving in creates new rubble to play with, right?  So caving in allows the game to continue.   That's one way to look at it, though ,,, hahahaha


    If I don't cave in

    I'll end up out in the cold,

    and that is the worst.

    But some people say

    I must continue trying

    to keep myself warm.


    Ha!  Good ones, barefooted!! 

    The diff'rence between
    cold caves and cold calves? Just say,
    what the "L" happened?


     


    It is a spring like day here.  The windows are open.  Tonight it will get chilly and the end of the week I will have to turn on the heat at night. Most of the time we just add quilts to the bed. I am mad at the power company for the price gouging they did last summer, so I am being careful about our usage. 


    You're lucky, trkingmomoe. 

    An ode to Springtime;
    PLEASE COME BACK!  I MISS YOUR WARMTH!
    Dead here without you.

    You bring sparks of Life,
    back to gardens and forests
    and smiles to the world.

    I know I'm begging,
    Spring's part of life's cycle that
    encourages growth


     


    Nice work, Smith.

     

    Karen's monologue.

    Or is it soliloquy?

    Don't stutter, it's great.


    Thanks, Oxy.


    Mr. Smith, hoping you are on the mend.

     

    Here's a poem you might like. It's from the ancient Kinkafu scroll.

     

        The New Year

     

    Just as we now greet

    The dawning of the New Year

    With hearts exultant,

    Let us heartily rejoice

    For a thousand years to come.


    Thanks Oxy!   I'm still a bit under the weather, but slowly getting better.  Docs always get confused when treating me.    LOL


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