Karl Rove to star in “The Bachelor”

59-year-old Karl Rove is out to prove to the world that nice guys finish last and that evil douchebags finish in love. Tighten your security and prepare to be politically mauled as this Republican Political Operative is ready to trash reputations and destroy lives as the Bachelor.

Known as “Turdblossom” to his friends and “Asshole” to everyone else, Karl Rove grew up in Sparks, Nevada and attended the University of Utah. He discovered his passion for destroying his political opposition early, as he started his political career in high school. As an accomplished plotter, he became part of the Republican Party at the age of 19. In his free time, he has fun torturing kittens and finding new ways to oppress minorities.

Now, if you’re thinking this guy looks familiar, you’d be right. Ever since Karl shared a magical date with The Decider, George W. Bush, millions of Conservatives have had their own low-down, disturbing fantasies about him. Basically a demon in human form with a strong reputation as a dishonest creep with the heart of Gorgon bile, fans weren’t stunned in the least when he joined the propaganda arm of the GOP, Fox News.

Requests for him to be the next Bachelor didn’t come in, at all. But he has incriminatory pictures of top executives at the network, so here we are. Karl, who believes marriage is a sacred institution, is coming off the fairytale experience of his second divorce. This divorce gave him motivation to continue his search for love on The Bachelor. Only this time, it’s his turn to call the shots.

Karl longs to find that special someone who is vapid, moronic, mentally unstable and doesn’t shave. He wants someone who he can take to parties and who doesn’t think much. He also admits that he can’t wait for his third marriage – and divorce. To make things even more exciting and to take advantage of Conservatives’ notoriously loose morals, this year many of the Bachelorettes will already be married. This promises to be one of the most exciting and horrifyingly disturbing seasons ever!

Will Karl slither off into the underbrush with one of the Bachelorettes waiting in a pile of excement? One thing we know for sure is that there will be 25 candidates and at least 24 horrifyingly defeated and besmirched losers once the 15th edition of The Bachelor takes to the air on Monday, July 4, 2010 on ABC!