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Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie must break up - for America

by William K. Wolfrum 1/25/2010 - 3:56 pm   |

While the better part of the United States has tumbled into disarray with the fighting of multiple wars, war crimes, high unemployment and a completely screwed up financial sector, Hollywood has done very little to help out the nation. Sure, they’ve made movies and done some stupid things, but the U.S. is in desperate need of a BIG story to take their short attention spans away from the carnage.

This is why it’s vital for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to break up. Preferably in the most acrimonious way possible, and with as much mention as Jennifer Aniston as they can muster.

Now, let me just state that I hold no animosity toward or, for that matter, even care about Pitt, Jolie & children. But the moment for their break up is now. As hard-working Americans struggle to find work, or pay their medical expenses, or to live after getting a Taliban bullet in the forehead, now more than ever is the time we need Hollywood to come through.

Americans are, by and large, a good, service-minded type of people. But for the most part, we Americans have the memory spans of single-celled creatures. This is why a Pitt-Jolie split would truly comfort the American people. The wall-to-wall-to-wall coverage such a split would create would banish all other news to obscure Web sites or PBS. Only the direct return of Jesus Christ would garner as much attention, and he doesn’t seem overly interested in getting involved.

So here’s to the crumbling relationship of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. The U.S. mainstream media is anxiously awaiting the break-up, as they aren’t exactly overly fond of reporting bad news. The American people are anxiously awaiting, as well, as living vicariously through other people’s dramas is our true national pastime. A Pitt-Jolie split would wipe the slate clean. We would be reborn into a world where only they mattered. Pitt-Jolie would be the only thing worth talking about.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt must break up. And soon. For America.

–WKW

Crossposted at William K. Wolfrum Chronicles

I think Brad Pitt should have an affair with Tiger Woods. As a bonus, golf writers would be paid to cover the story, too.

Oh, and I'm not sure that the return of Jesus Christ would garner that much attention. On one hand you have us atheist hippy-types, and on the other hand you have the right-wing Bible-thumpers who wouldn't recognize him. There is no middle ground, regardless of how much quinn (or acanuck, all Canadians look alike, y'know) might suggest otherwise.

by Nebton 1/25/2010 - 4:02 pm

Considering recent events, I think the arc of this storyline is obvious.

Angelina pushes for d.i.v.o.r.c.e.

Brad refuses.

Jesus returns and kills Brad, using special "Jesus Loves You" bullet.

Jesus mates with Angelina.

Gets tattoo.

Moves in. Together, they adopt all the rest of God's children.

Except for Brad. F*ck him.

by quinn esq 1/25/2010 - 4:39 pm

Way to stake out the middle ground, quinn.

by acanuck 1/25/2010 - 8:50 pm (re: quinn the eskimo)

I just realised I had Jesus kill Brad, and then mock him by not adopting him.

That's probably a little extra harsh.

by quinn esq 1/25/2010 - 9:29 pm (re: acanuck)

Your Jesus is kind of a dick.

by William K. Wolfrum 1/26/2010 - 5:21 am (re: quinn the eskimo)

Angelina leaves Brad for Tiger.

Tiger leaves Angelina for Brad.

Angelina starts dating Jennifer Aniston.

Ellin Nordgren gets a reality show. Done!

by Doctor Cleveland 1/25/2010 - 8:57 pm

Hey Wolfrum. Were you gay yet when you wrote this? It's got some violence and bullets and other good straight stuff in it, but not once do you mention how much you'd like to... you know... "exercise" with Angelina. Or even HOW.

Which is fairly homo.

I'd be able to overlook it if I thought YOU'D just overlooked it. But it reads to me like what you most want is to be able to GOSSIP about it all.

Dude. Come back. We can talk about whether Favre's comin' back next year.

by quinn esq 1/25/2010 - 9:29 pm

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